4 year old sleep and behaviour.

[OverTired26]

Sorry for the long post but looking for advice.
My daughter is 4 and the most wonderful girl. She's thoughtful, kind and has an incredible desire to explore and learn.
Outside of the home or when others are here, she's got beautiful manners and is consistently complimented on being so brilliant. She's sassy, outgoing and energetic but never any bother to those who spend time with her.
However. Once we are home there are a few things I struggle with. She can go from this little ray of sunshine to absolute meltdown state in seconds. During these periods, she'll be hitting, scratching and doing anything she can to cause damage and harm. I feel like I have tried absolutely everything in those moments and they can last hours.
She can also pick fights, she'll be fine one moment and then goading to be in trouble the next. She also doesn't sleep well at all.
I raised a concern with the HV team regarding the sleep as she averages 5-7 hours a night, often split. If I don't spend hours trying to get her to bed, she just won't sleep. I've tried leaving her up until she crashes and she just.. doesn't. Complains that her body won't stop moving. They were, unfortunately, less than helpful and I'm no further to support. We follow all of the excellent sleep hygiene tips, weighted blankets and magnesium creams etc but nothing helps.
I discussed with nursery to see whether they notice ill effects and they report she is happy, helpful and absolutely wild there. Showing zero sleepy signs which tracks with home.
Tonight, she asked to go to bed as she has a bit of a cough, I followed her up and almost immediately she lost it. She was hitting and scratching and managed to draw blood on my face before I could move out the way. This meltdown came to an end when she tried to smack me round the face with a book but put too much force behind it, overbalanced and landed on her chin.
After the incident, we chatted about it and she was really upset she'd hurt me. Said her body couldn't stop even when she wanted it to.
She was away from me last night at a sleepover which does usually make these incidents worse on her return.
She is such a bright girl and so so eager to learn but I am so worried about how the sleep will impact on school come Sept. I'm also concerned about how to manage her behaviour, especially as she gets bigger.
I dread any time she is away because it's so awful when she comes home. Equally I am exhausted from a high energy child who runs on zero sleep.
Any advice for any types of support would be really appreciated at this stage.
(Posted initially in behaviour but came to chat for traffic, sorry!)

Have you ever considered that she maybe neurodivergent?

@2026willbebetter- it has crossed my mind, I'd hoped for some discussion around this with the HV, though their only offer was to ignore everything else and do a sleep course with a wellbeing support worker. She asked what my goal would be and I said for her to get a more reasonable amount of sleep. Apparently that isn't a goal I am allowed as "we would all like more sleep. It doesn't work like that". They seme reluctant to review the entire child.

@2026willbebetter- I have tried to use some skills from areas more aligned with neurodiversity but it all seems a bit lost at sea at the moment.

If you do think ADHD might be a possibility, they don’t usually assess until they’re 7. The sleep course might be helpful to see if there are any hints & tips that may be worthwhile.

@MildlyAnnoyed- This was my thought, which is why I wanted to explore ways of supporting her in the interim because we can't keep going like this.
I have welcomed the sleep course and I'm waiting for someone to get in touch. I have done two previously, both ones I paid for online, and unfortunately they didn't help but I'm absolutely willing to try.
While the sleep is a concern, it's also the behaviour and the meltdowns. She throws the odd tantrum but they're nothing on this and I feel like I've tried everything to help her but it's only escalating. She hates it as much as anyone but just cannot seem to stop.

Sounds like it could be ASD/ADHD. Is she at school yet?

It seems that she is high masking and is having meltdowns when she gets home. This means whatever is happening about and about is too much for.

Lower your demands on an evening, visual time tables, predictable routine, few a words as possible. When she is in a melt down sit on the floor near but out of reach, make sure you’re not between her and the door, say ‘I’m here when you want a cuddle’ and nothing else, you can repeat the same phrase every 5 mins.

See if there are any specialist autism/adhd charities in your area. Don’t expect you get anything useful from CAHMS, early help or education system - that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t push for it.

@2026willbebetter- She isn't no, she missed this years intake by a couple weeks.

Thank you so much, while I've been sitting down and saying that, I'll admit to sitting in front of the door to try and contain the damage. I didn't really consider that may have been causing more of an issue so I'll move myself away from it.

I'll also get a visual timetable. She's always been incredible with her speech and understanding so I never really thought to do that. But if, as you say, things are overwhelming her in the day then reducing the pressure on that may help.

Really appreciate the advice, it's given me a couple things to try and I'll look into charities too.

Being the oldest rather than the youngest in school will be much better for her. Clever ND girls are good at masking but masking it’self is exhausting and is a big part of what causes the meltdowns.

Being a SEN Mum can be a steep learning curve but trust your instinict you often already know what your child needs something you just need to courage to do it.

I would try melatonin in your shoes. We buy online from the US - do a search on MN and elsewhere for reputable sellers. ND sounds quite possible but lack of sleep will make everything worse, if you can get the sleep to improve it will be easier to work out whether there is ND or not and also to manage it.

Also I wouldn’t be sending a 4 year old on sleepovers especially a bad sleeper.

Another one thinking ND. I recognise so much from my own daughter.

It sounds like she is masking, and the demands of that are leading to these meltdowns at home. Can you strip back demands a bit? Give her time to decompress when she comes home? My daughter needed an hour in her room completely alone when she came home to regulate herself. Sensory aids might help too - sensory lights and balance boards really helped my daughter, she hated weighted blankets and it took some trial and error to figure out what worked for her.