Blended / step family - how did it work for you, timings wise? I don’t know what’s “normal”

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Hello,

I (as I’m sure most mothers in this situation) never imagined myself being a solo parent. My toddler daughter’s dad is not involved at the moment, he was controlling, EA towards me and cheated when she was a young baby, basically as if he had a taste of family life and decided it wasn’t for him.

I have just ‘officially’ entered a new relationship. I didn’t set out for this, but we went on a date on a mutual friend’s suggestion and really hit it off after spending time dating and getting to know each other. He is the total opposite to what I have experienced before. There is no pressure, no intensity, no rushing, just chilled and slow paced. He is respectful of me and understands my daughter comes first. He takes a respectful interest e.g asks how she is and admires that I am a solo parent but does not try to claim any role or future fake. I am hyper vigilant for any red flags as not to be blindsided, but cautiously, so far so good.

My reason for posting is because I am overthinking timings of things, such as when is it okay to invite him to days out, I don’t want to rush this because my priority is and always will be my daughter. Right now she will accept a new face in the same way as she does any of my friends, she doesn’t really have a concept of who is who. I am aware of any potential ‘risks’ and that it’s important I feel I know him as well as possible. Safety wise he is in a profession where he is vetted as much as one possibly could be to be safe around people, so that is some assurance. Other members of my family have met him and like him. He’s met her very briefly but around other members of my family too.

Basically

When is it appropriate to invite him to a day out e.g the farm?
When is it appropriate for him to stay the night if she is also in the house?
If all goes well, when would you consider moving in?

There is a lot more to think about dating with a child! I know some people will say don’t date until your child is an adult but for me that isn’t practical, as she will always be my priority but I also want a relationship, and ultimately a family unit with more children. Hopefully the fact I have taken time to post shows I am aware of safety and what’s appropriate from all angles! Grateful if anyone can share their experiences x

Personally I would want to know the relationship was likely to be permanent or at least very long term before involving children, so for me it would be 12+ months.

I didn’t date until mine were adults. My OH has a child slightly younger than mine who was a teen and we didn’t introduce until 14 months in.

it’s worked much better for us then my ex who launched in quickly a few months after we had split and the relationships are not good.

I waited till mine were adults too. I really put my children first. With my actions.

I met my stepson after about 4 months. I actually think because she’s so little (my stepson was a toddler too) it’s not the end of the world if she sees him as your ‘friend’ as it would be less earth shattering if anything were to go wrong, whereas when older she may understand the relationship more and then if it went wrong she may be more upset. My now DH ended up moving in with me after a few months as our relationship moved very quickly (we were very young!) and where he was living at the time was a bit grim so we felt my house was safer for a child, so my stepson slept over quite quickly. Although this was probably a different scenario as he was only with us a few days a week so still had a break from me at his mums if that makes sense!

I should add. The child in question was a bigger teen - from memory 15 when we started dating but might have been 16.