Realistic expectations of a partner on night shifts?

[PorcupineOnline]

I will start this by saying I have never worked nights, so have no idea of the impact it has on your body and mind.

My Husband works 3 nights a week. He goes to work, comes home, sleeps, gets up, showers, goes to the gym and then back to work. I have accepted that I am solely responsible for everything on those days. I also work PT so this is a juggling act to manage kids schedules and get everyone where they need to be, go to work, and be back in time to collect them, he will help collect the kids if he is awake on time which helps massively. Then I cook dinner, do homework, bath, bedtime etc.
On the days he isn't working he doesn't seem to do anything during the day apart from look after our youngest but has energy for the gym and running errands that benefit him. He will do bits here and there around the house but tells me he is too tired to do anything else. I end up doing all the cooking and bedtimes. Sometimes I will ask him to help with bedtime for example and it is met with the least effort possible - not making the kids brush their teeth or following our proper routine for bed. My youngest in particular gets really upset as he likes our routine and its hardly arduous, its just teeth, pjs, stories and cuddles. Ironically following the routine takes less time to complete than what he is doing but is a bit more effort.
Weekends when I need help to reset things seem to be met with animosity and I am made to feel unreasonable that I need help with the house. He will do stuff but I have to nag.
We used to have a good routine where I could sleep a little bit later on some of the days he wasn't working but that seems to have slowly eroded to zero.
I have basically no time for myself. However he has the gym and also will go to the pub on his days off.
I have no idea if this is the norm, my mum used to work nights when I was a kid and would sleep whilst we were at school then do tea and homework before heading out again but I know she was shattered from this and much of it was because there was no other option. I don't want to force him to do stuff if he is exhausted but equally I think he's having me over!

I worked nights for many years . I also looked after my son. Did shopping cooking laundry etc. Did 7 on 7 off which was exhausting btw .
My dad did shift work and also did bulk of housework and cooking as my mum was so lazy
Your husband sounds very selfish. He can manage pub etc
You need a long talk

He is being completely unreasonable.
I worked nights for years and the only disruption to family life was when I was not home.
The morning I finished I would stay up to resume family life and reset quickly.
He sounds lazy and selfish.

So you work days and sleep at night plus find time to be a parent in between.

while yes working nights does take its toll. He’s a parent and needs to find time in between.
Not least because he has 4 nights he’s not working, he’s a lazy fucker who thinks 3 night shifts absolve him of any other home related and parenting duties.

id simply ask him why he thinks it’s ok to opt out and go from there.

I’ve worked nights for many years with young children.

They are utterly exhausting I’m not going to lie. On the days when I was back in work that night i genuinely needed to sleep.

I could function for an hour or two if necessary but the earliest I could get up would be school pickup. I’d then make tea and head back to work. This was probably more my choice than anything wanting to spend some time with my family and not going days without seeing them.

On my last night shift I could be awake longer knowing I could sleep that night.

But if I didn’t get any sleep during the day after the last shift by the night time I was completely none functional. Worse than being drunk really, I could hear what was being said to me but had no processing function at all.

I suppose it’s when he’s deciding he can’t do the family stuff really. Is it every day even when he hasn’t been working or is it just when he’s come off a night shift.

If it is around the days when he’s just come off shift I would say give him some slack, they absolutely wipe you out.

If he’s claiming every day despite not working the night before - absolutely not. A good nights sleep gets you back to equal so he is fully functional the following day.

If it was just on his "working days" then I'd say to cut him some more slack, but he has four days off every week and needs to get a grip of himself, quite frankly.

What are his working hours?

he works a 12 hour shift each night, I am not sure what time he actually starts because he often goes to the gym before work.

He knows I am pissy with him today so is doing stuff and telling me after he completes each task🙄

Thank you for the perspective. I am going to set some firm boundaries of what my expectations are for his non working days. I get that the morning after working he obviously needs to sleep and I 100% allow him that. I keep the house as quiet as possible. When he moved on to nights, I bought him ear plus, an eye mask, upgraded the blind and curtains in our room to ensure it is dark and I also got a white noise machine so there is a buffer between my little one making any noises during the day. I understand the importance of him getting good rest after working all night, I just find the balance of roles on his non working days completely unfair.