Making meaningful friendships as an adult

[Bambi1980]

Hi all, I can officially say at 45 I have no deep and meaningful friendships. I consider myself a kind, caring and compassionate person. I am friendly to people and always say hello etc. I find when speaking to people I struggle with small talk and continuing with conversations. It usually ends up with me just asking the person questions and them answering. I hate making small talk at beauty and hair appointments, it just doesn’t come naturally to me.

I am honestly quite lonely with no support network. My parents have both passed away now and I’m not very close with my older brother. I live with my 3 DCs (8, 8, 11) and ex partner (another story/another thread) I have a full time job and I get on with work colleagues but I yearn for a good close female friendship where we chat on the phone and meet up etc.

I had two close friends since primary but one of them distanced herself from us a few years ago and I haven’t been able to rebuild that friendship. The other has done the same with me last year since her marriage got into difficulty as she was caught messaging other men - she stopped messaging and stopped meeting up for some reason, even though there had been no fall out. I wasn’t anything to do with the other men so whether her husband blames me I don’t know.

im just wondering how others make close bonds or am I just too old for that. I do struggle with having the time to meet up as I’m working and the kids but it’s so hard and lonely.

I have no idea, the only close friends I have are old ones from school/ college time or work friends. I read recently that it takes something like 80 hours of ‘contact time’ before someone becomes a friend so I suppose it would only be in scenarios where you’re spending time together like work, where you’d get to spend enough time together to properly make friends!
You sound lovely anyway, at least you’re making an effort to talk to people. I think the art of conversation is dying out and a lot of people struggle with decent chat. Don’t take it personally.
I also think a lot of adults feel so time poor they don’t feel they’ve got time for any more friends.
Basically I’ve no idea! If I was in your situation i think I’d find a book group/ walking group or similar and start there.

What kind of people do you like, OP? What do you yourself bring to potential friendships? I mean, what would someone like about you when they met you?

I would advise getting a job in a meaningful field. It gives you people with similar values. You’re working together for long periods. Friendship follows.

Best through a hobby, I met some nice people and made friends by going for walks, dancing and in the past playing badminton at the leisure centre general mix-in.

I’m a similar age (okay a wee bit older) and in recent years I’ve made new meaningful friendships through school (waiting for school bus with another mum who turned out to be lovely), dogs (we have a dog group meeting every day at the park) and hobbies (book club). I also have close friendships with neighbours, former colleagues, clients and their wives, and former classmates. Some of my friends have made good friends through choir. Good luck OP, friendships bring a lot and I totally get why you want them. They are out there - you will find them 💐

I suggest joining groups that would interest you as you then have a shared interest. Choirs and book groups can be friendly or sports if you are interested in any eg running groups always seem social. Best wishes you find a few groups that suit you.

I can relate. I'm rubbish at small talk and don't really feel that close to old friends anymore. One moved away and the other I don't see that often. They've both moved on with other friends but I haven't.
I also work full time and have kids so am time poor.
It's maybe a symptom of our times. I have seen loads of these types of posts on MN recently.
Hope it works out for you OP!

Thank you.
Yes, you’re probably right and I too fall into that bracket of being time poor.

I'm like you OP in that I'm not good with small talk. I find social occasions for the sake of chit chat hard for that reason. In my forties and early fifties I made a handful of really good friends through doing things/activities. I did a training course in a hobby I love and I joined a choir.

The shared interest really gave us something in common before we'd even met. The course and singing meant the reason for our meeting wasn't small talk, but we gradually got to know each other in the gaps between, before and after.

It took a good few months but we hit it off and now our social activities are based on our shared interest. It's lovely. I know you say you're time poor, but one evening a week for you might be just what you need and deserve.

On another note - the friend who was caught messaging may felt so guilty that she felt she had to put 100% into being there for her bloke. It's probably totally unrelated to you or anything you've done.

Thanks, really appreciate the advice. I’ve recently tried to reignite an interest in sewing that I had, but it can be quite a solitary hobby. I will look into amateur dramatics maybe, as I can’t sing for toffee!