What happens when ex is given contact and the kids point blank refused to go?

[Amigoingtobeintroublehere]

This is where I am.

My dc are 9 and 11, long history of shitty behaviour by him, they haven't seen him for months, he's taking me to court where he will be given contact, but they will absolutely refuse to go.

I can't physically carry them to his home, they have said if he collects from school they will simply run to my home, I've tried on neutral ground before and, again, they just refuse to go with him.

What will happen in this instance.

I've tried for years but he really is a crap parent and they are fed up, he refuses to change anything, especially on my say so, so I don't know what to do.

Sorry, this is a really tricky situation.I’ll try explain where you stand legally in England & Wales (Scotland or NI, the law differs).

1. The key question: is there a
court order

Your legal position depends heavily on whether there is a Child Arrangements Order (CAO) or other court orders in place.

If there IS a court order

You are legally required to make the children available for contact as ordered, however the law recognises that older children’s wishes matter, especially at 9 and 11. You are not expected to physically force children to go. But the court will look at what steps you took to encourage contact and whether you are supporting or undermining it.

If the father applies to court for enforcement, the court will likely ask: why the children are refusing, whether their wishes are genuine and independent & whether you have encouraged contact appropriately, the courts rarely punish a parent where refusal is genuinely child-led and reasonable efforts were made.

If there is NO court order

You are not legally obliged to force contact. Both parents still have parental responsibility, but contact is not enforceable without an order. The father would need to apply to court if he disputes the situation.

2. How much weight do children’s wishes carry?

At 9 and 11, the court will take their views seriously, especially the 11-year-old. The court’s guiding principle is always: “The welfare of the child is paramount.”

3. What you SHOULD be doing (very important)

To protect yourself legally, you should be able to show that you: Encourage contact calmly and neutrally, don’t speak negatively about their father, don’t give the impression they’re “choosing sides” explore
reasons for refusal (without interrogating) & consider alternatives (shorter visits, public places, indirect contact)

Do not: physically force them, say “you don’t have to go if you don’t want to” (courts dislike this phrasing) or block communication without explanation

4. Practical steps you can take now

1. Document everything
2. Dates of refused/visits
3. What the children said (in their own words)
4. What encouragement you gave
5. Communicate in writing with the father
6. Speak to the children’s school or GP if anxiety or distress is evident

5. When refusal becomes a serious concern

If the children: are distressed, fearful, or anxious or if the children give safeguarding related reasons.
Then pausing contact while seeking advice can be justified, but this should be carefully documented and reviewed.

Good luck

Thank you so much, that's really helpful.

I encourage contact every couple of weeks and they shut me down completely.

I asked him to provide a phone and start small by calling and messaging them, and he refuses.

He is dead set that the court will grant him contact, which they more than likely will, but that doesn't solve them not wanting to go with him.

He wants what he wants and isn't willing to be flexible for the sake of the kids.

I didn't think to keep a diary of what's been said, so that's really helpful. There's a certain amount in the court papers, but he has told the court I'm not encouraging contact, and I am, it's him that's putting a spanner in the works unfortunately.

Have they spoken about their feelings to someone independent ie teacher support worker etc
if the have been clear with someone independent the court will take their wishes and feelings into account.
if contact is ordered make sure that he is to collect from school - there is no suggestion then that you are not making them available.

Yes they have. They were so upset about the possibility of seeing him I went to school for support and they have been having some additional help there and spoken to a neutral person at school, where some more information came to light about things he has done.

They are available, they just don't want to go.

He's proposing picking them up from school, which I was trying to prepare them for, but they have both said they will pretend to be sick to get sent home early, or will run away from him. They are both ND so won't cope well if he just picks them up without a lot of advance notice.