DS14, social anxiety, what did I get wrong here?

[Idlikepeasplease]

Id like some critique on how I handled a chat with DS.

Bit of background - he can be wonderfully dramatic, funny, kind, feisty, can be a pain but normal stuff. A few times hes latched on to the idea that he has ADHD as a result of one of his pals being ND and I wouldn't be at all surprised at him quite liking the idea of having a bit of a label iyswim.

The latest thing is social anxiety - off the back of a girl he likes saying she has this. So he announced to me he has this too - was all very solemn and seriously delivered.

Youd never, ever look at this kid and think that. He has friends in every year group, goes to clubs, will talk to anyone. Has been in my work and charmed the socks off everyone etc. School say hes a great kid with lots of friends and hes really outgoing.

even so I gave him a hug, and said I dont see that in him. I see a very confident young man but yes maybe he hides it well, which is difficult but a really good skill to have, and maybe its just certain social situations arent his thing so they are quite anxiety inducing but I think a lot of people feel the same. I even said I know it is very real, I dread certain social things and avoid them, or I just hide it well like him. I told him not to worry, I think he will get more confident as he gets older/in more social situations and reassured him that genuinely he does overcome it really well from what I see. He gave me a hug, we chatted a bit more and he seemed really upbeat afterwards.

There was more to it but you get the jist! I didnt want to pander too much to this condition he wants to self diagnose, but also I completely get that he may hate certain situations so wanted to validate his feelings there.

Well. I overheard him talking to his DBro afterwards - apparently i completely dismissed his social anxiety he made out that I just swatted him away, didn't understand, told him theres no such thing....

I feel awful, I came away from our conversation really positive and thought I handled it fine but hearing him say that was like a shit covered knife in my heart 😭

What did I get wrong? 😩

From what you have written you told him what you see. Maybe he wanted a bit more help with symptoms of anxiety. It could be new for him. Hence feeling more social in past social situations. As he gets older I guess he is becoming more aware of how he feels. Teenagers can link on to what their friends are doing or have so I see where you are coming from. I have a child with Sen and the anxiety is huge. I wouldn’t need dc to tell me I can see it, struggles to leave the house etc. However obviously there are different levels to it for everyone.

I don't have kids this age but I think you handled this really well!
It's so easy nowadays with the age of the internet for normal emotions to be confused with actual conditions.
My older teen nephew was saying the same about anxiety and a job interview.. Most people would feel anxious at a job interview ..it's totally normal!
I think it's unfortunately quite hard for the teenagers today to sit with any sort of emotional discomfort without labelling it. Discomfort is often "trauma" and feeling upset or anxious in a normal human way is a "trigger" that must be avoided at all costs. But actually we know pushing through those uncomfortable feelings can be really rewarding (getting that job, sitting that exam etc).

You said exactly what I'd have said rightly or wrongly and I think you were supportive without over validating it (which may make it worse and could be seen as a reason not to push forward in life and social activities he clearly does enjoy)
If he comes to you again with anxiety about a situation thats upcoming you can revisit the chat also and look at specific support he may want so its not a closed convo x

You have a kid who likes a bit of drama and diagnoses himself with things he doesn't really have. I would say it is completely 'on brand' for him to say what he did to his brother. He likely would have said that however you handled it. The issue isn't with how you handled it, it's with him and his need to seek out sympathy.

I don’t think you did anything wrong, but I would keep the conversation going. Maybe ask an open question when you’re on your own with him in a relaxed situation - ‘I’ve been thinking about our conversation about anxiety; do you think I should have done anything differently?’ See what he says.

I know of at least one case in which a super-chatty, very popular, very high-achieving kid also has self-harming impulses and, occasionally, even worse intrusive thoughts. Now diagnosed with depression and anxiety. 13-14 is a common age for symptoms to appear.

Don’t get hung up on discourse about ‘over-diagnosis’ or ‘kids these days’ and all that bollocks. Yes, some kids might like drama, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have problems. Anyway, this is your kid. The primary objective is to keep him safe, bugger the discourse.

Have you offered to arrange a GP visit for him (that he can attend alone, if he wants to)? In the case I know of, the professionals had a very different view than the parents initially did. Even if nothing comes of it, it’s no bad thing for a 14yo to know they can have confidential conversations with the GP about anything. Maybe offering to do this can be part of the follow-up convo, to reassure him you’re not being dismissive.

Good luck. I know it can be scary and horrible. You sound great.

I think you've handled it really well and done him a great service in the long term. In the short term he may well feel frustrated with you for not taking his concerns as seriously as he would like.

I was the type of teenager that you describe. Loved a bit of drama and attention. Also wanted to be in be part of whatever was going on. In my era it was all about being moody, dark and emo (often linked to supposed depression), now it's often about being ND or about people's sexual orientation/trans. I think a lot of it boils down to wanting to be special and noticed in a positive way whilst also following the latest zeitgeist. It's also about identity and feeling that being emo, goth, ND, trans etc comes with a template identity and way of short cutting the bonding process with others. It gives you a tribe.

It was a hard lesson to learn that actually identity wasn't something you could just adopt like that and you need to actually grow into who you are. A label isn't an entire person. I'm also glad that my parents didn't indulge my different proclamations too much but also didn't challenge them too much either. They let me explore it all for myself and with increased maturity and moving between different group over time, I realised that actually it was absolutely fine to just be me. I was special enough without needing additional borrowed identities that didn't even fit me that well v

He's just trying to work out who he is and fit in IMO. He's latching on to different things ADHD, social anxiety to see what fits. I think it's pretty normal in teen years - lots of navel gazing, dying your hair different colours, becoming a goth or whatever.

I think you handled it perfectly, you listened, validated his feelings but didn't overly indulge him. I wouldn't worry about what he said to his brother - but I would be very wary of what he's accessing online. He definitely doesn't sound like the sort of child you want going down any rabbit holes on there.