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I think I'm going to have to let this friendship go.

16 replies

Mugtree · 14/01/2026 17:01

But it would be good to understand why friend is responding the way she does.

She was very good to me after DH died (several years ago now) and brought me into a friendship group that became very important to me. They were active socially and kept me busy when I didn't want to be at home much. Prior to that I'd known her as an aquaintance

A few years later she brought another man into the group. He was a bit of an oddball, sometimes socially excluded and she took him under her wing in the same way she did me.

He took a bit of getting used to, but the more I got to known him the more obvious it became that he was funny, intelligent, kind, just socially awkward. It crept up on me and for more than 2 years we were just friends spending more and more time together, then we became a couple.

Since then friend has become really easy to offend. Both BF and I regularly upset her. Once she didn't speak to us for 3 weeks because I pulled out of something that fell on DH's birthday and couldn't face it - she wasnt left alone, others were going.

She turned up at a venue we were at with friends and left without speaking to anyone because it was too loud (she loves a party normally). I've no idea what was really behind that.

Another time I accepted a lift, leaving her to travel to an event with her DH, which upset her. I genuinely thought I was saving them from picking me up.

BF has stopped drinking and I've moderated a bit. She hates that.

The latest is something BF said on a group chat which she considers rude. It was rude if you were looking for it, but he was clearly joking and historically they've had a no holds barred bantering relationship, mostly driven by her. She's been far ruder about him. Anyway regardless of whether he was at fault, she's left the group chat (which he set up to add her back in after she left last time) and has blocked him on all SM without even talking to him (or me).

I'm done. She was very good to me when I needed it, but I'm coming to see that she enjoys being centre of attention more than she wanted to support me. I suspect one of her issues with "us" is that the bantering relationship the two of them had has lessened since we got together (she's happily married btw).

I never thought I'd be someone to give up a friend for a man, but this doesn't feel like much of a friendship these days and he's been very good for me and supportive of me... I don't know why she's not pleased for us.

But , am I missing something somewhere?.

OP posts:
MadamCholetsbonnet · 14/01/2026 17:27

She fancies him

sprigatito · 14/01/2026 17:31

I’d probably try and have a chat with her before consigning the friendship to the bin…I’d want to hear her perspective on what has gone wrong.

Mugtree · 14/01/2026 17:32

MadamCholetsbonnet · 14/01/2026 17:27

She fancies him

I really really doubt that. It's hard to explain, but I really can't see it. She's nearly 20 years older than him for a start and she and DH have the kind of relationship others long for.

She probably.misses the attention and the banter/flirting, but I doubt it was ever sexual.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

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Mugtree · 14/01/2026 17:33

sprigatito · 14/01/2026 17:31

I’d probably try and have a chat with her before consigning the friendship to the bin…I’d want to hear her perspective on what has gone wrong.

Yes, but I have tried several times. She always says there's nothing, except the specific incident that's upset her at the time.

OP posts:
PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 14/01/2026 17:34

Mugtree · 14/01/2026 17:32

I really really doubt that. It's hard to explain, but I really can't see it. She's nearly 20 years older than him for a start and she and DH have the kind of relationship others long for.

She probably.misses the attention and the banter/flirting, but I doubt it was ever sexual.

So they did previously flirt?

helplessbanana · 14/01/2026 17:35

I knew someone like her once. One of her other friends and I made friends with each other and she was furious that we were spending time with each other without her being present. It was like we were only allowed to be friends through her, if you see what I mean, like she was some sort of go-between.

Mugtree · 14/01/2026 17:35

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 14/01/2026 17:34

So they did previously flirt?

Well they had a very over the top banter thing going on. She can be like that with lots of people. I've never seen it in him with others, he tends to fit with the style of whoever he's talking to.

OP posts:
MadameRanevskaya · 14/01/2026 17:36

Maybe it’s a control thing. She thinks of both of you as her property as she took you under her wing. Now you have got together as a couple she feels excluded and a bit resentful perhaps?

Not something anyone would want to admit to I would think

Driftingawaynow · 14/01/2026 17:36

She sounds like someone who likes to rescue people, then gets resentful if people don’t do what she wants or become independent. Check out the drama triangle
v common, really unhealthy. let her go, she has work to do on herself.

ginasevern · 14/01/2026 17:39

OP, this friendship has run its course. You didn't really know this woman that well in the first place. I appreciate she was good to you at your time of need (I'm a widow too) and you might understandably feel that you owe her. But I think the more you push this, the more unpleasant it will become for all involved. No need to have a blazing row about it. Just step back with good grace.

MrsLizzieDarcy · 14/01/2026 18:22

Have you asked her outright - normally I'd say let it go but she was there for you when you needed her the most. It would be sad to walk away from that.

Morepositivemum · 14/01/2026 18:25

I don’t think it’s as easy as her fancying or being controlling, I think she had it all in terms of friends when you were separate and now she’s been left to the side a bit (iho).

SleepingStandingUp · 14/01/2026 18:28

was gonna say she fancied him, and even being married that might still be the case. maybe she was waiting for him to make a move so she could refuse him.

it, she likes her toys broken. you were in emotional turmoil and needed her. he was socially awkward and needed her. now you have each other and don't need her in the same way. her toys have fixed each other.

if just withdraw slowly

Mugtree · 14/01/2026 18:36

MrsLizzieDarcy · 14/01/2026 18:22

Have you asked her outright - normally I'd say let it go but she was there for you when you needed her the most. It would be sad to walk away from that.

Yes I have. She always insists it's just the terrible thing that one of use has done on that occasion. The lift, the ill advised text etc.

OP posts:
Mugtree · 14/01/2026 18:37

Morepositivemum · 14/01/2026 18:25

I don’t think it’s as easy as her fancying or being controlling, I think she had it all in terms of friends when you were separate and now she’s been left to the side a bit (iho).

Yes, but we were ways part of the group rather than close 121 friends.

OP posts:
Rapidsrunners · 14/01/2026 21:37

Maybe this woman is missing the feeling, the feel good feeling, of being thought of as being helpful, needed and important in the lives of you, and your BF?

She brought you in and took care of you by supporting you when you needed help,and she helped you to feel comfortable in the friendship group.

Then she had the opportunity to help someone else to feel comfortable socially, till they eventually felt comfortable enough to begin a relationship with you.

Then neither one of you needed her help and she didn't feel as important and needed anymore.

I would say it was a touch of jealousy that she is no longer the important one in either of your two lives.
Instead of being happy for you both, her feeling of not being needed, coupled with what she imagines is your ongoing feeling of being thankful to her, is gone.
She doesn't know how to handle this, so she avoids.

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