How much do you involve kids in everyday decisions

[Hyobywater]

I sometimes wonder how much choice to give children in small daily things like meals clothes or plans part of me wants them to feel involved but part of me feels it makes everything take longer curious how other parents approach this.

Dd is 14 and can choose from a selection of meals each day and chooses her own clothes. She also gets her priorities considered when we book most holidays and often sits down with me to help make the final choice once I've narrowed down the options which also take into account what dh and I want. She gets to choose her hobbies, when she has friends over, her gcse options, how she spends her time outside school. She's an absolute pleasure to be around and we discuss what we can do and have within the budget we have. We've taken this approach since she was quite young and she's developed to understand compromise and budgeting so it's worked well for us.

I try. 🙄

Food - I ask ds what he fancies eating this week. He just looks a bit undecided. No help at all before I do the shop. If I try a new recipe he will tell me if he likes it or not, and it either gets included in the repertoire or dumped on that basis.

Clothes - he hates shopping so same process, If I can actually drag him into a shop, he has clear preferences and good taste but he gets bored with more than one shop. He finds Internet shopping dull as dust.

Holidays - Same process.

He's getting better as he gets older. I'm a single mum so he understands budgeting.

My 6 and 4 year old generally choose what they're going to wear. I don't take them clothes shopping with me though so their choice is limited to things I've pre-chosen.

I sometimes ask what they'd like for dinner but not often as I don't think there's much point as I know what the 6yo will ask for and the 4yo would say something unrealistic.

With clothes, I started when DD was 3 I think, offering her a choice between two items of clothing (any more and it was too overwhelming for her). Now at 4 she chooses her own outfit independently.

With meals, the amount of choice she gets varies. If she's in the kitchen with me I might ask her which vegetables she wants. With snacks, I will often just ask her what she wants. Sometimes she can tell me straight away what she fancies, sometimes she wants to hear a list of options (even though the options are usually pretty consistent), and sometimes she just likes to have a few options on a plate. My lovely SIL allows her DS to choose his tea every night which often means she's making two different meals, so I'm avoiding giving DD that much choice until she's old enough to cook independently (at the moment she often helps with prep, stirring, etc.).

I try to give her options for daily plans as often as possible, but it depends what I need to get done on any given day. She's an only child at the moment but I'm currently pregnant so in the future her input will have to change.

It definitely takes longer when a child gets to choose initially, but as with anything, the more they practise the better they get and it takes a lot less time so my advice would be to start small and gradually build up how much they get to choose.

It depends - DD is 4 and I let her choose her clothes on non-school days but will veto if they're unsuitable for the days activities (so no shorts in a cold snap, but didn't bat an eyelid the other day when she came down in a halloween top and Christmas socks).

Dinner I give her options based on what we have available and time. So this evening I'll see if she wants salmon or gnocchi as they're both on the meal plan for this week. She has porridge and fruit for breakfast but she gets to choose the fruit (from what we have in). Occasionally she might ask me to buy something on the next supermarket delivery and I usually oblige on the basis it's usually fruit 😆

I think it's good to give them choice but not let them dictate.

DS is 3y 8m. He can choose to wear whatever he wants, as long as it's not dirty. And usually I put my foot down about shoes - e.g no crocs in the rain. We usually take a jumper/coat with us even if he doesn't want to wear it immediately.

He doesn't usually get to choose his lunch/dinner, but can choose breakfast. Lunch/dinner is never well thought out from my side so I don't have a menu he can choose from, it's either what I can put together there and then or whatever I have defrosted, so no real freedom for him to decide on the fly. Snacks I usually give options of what we've got.

Activities - I don't really think we let him decide, we usually say what the weekend plan is, or if we have no solid plans we might say what we fancy doing that day and see what he says. He's pretty chill honestly, I don't think I've ever had a situation where we've said 'do you want to go to the farm' and he's said no, or had a tantrum about going somewhere else. Adult/boring stuff like the supermarket or tip we'll either tell him we're all going, or if we are happy to divide and conquer he can decide whether to go or stay behind with someone.

The major things he kicks off about is who is doing his bedtime, and what time he needs to go to bed. Those are things we decide for him.

Our girls are 3.5 and 6 years old.
They’re usually given 2 options to choose between for dinner or they choose want they would like for breakfast (cereal, porridge, toast, pastries, yoghurt, fruit)
or if we are planning a family day out, we might given them 2 options, more often than not they’ll choose the same thing, but if not, DH and I will decide and then the one we don’t do becomes the next day out.

things like their clothes they can choose themselves - as long as it’s not shorts in December

My son is 13, I'll ask him for any meals he fancies for that week when I'm doing the weekly menu, but I ask DH the same too. He is always included in holiday conversations and decision making. Our last city break destination was his idea. We are trying Snowboarding soon on his suggestion, but we are doing it in a country I have always wanted to go to.

They have been allowed to choose clothes and breakfast lunch (within reason) since they were able to express a preference.

The person who is cooking dinner decides what to cook but general preferences are considered. We wouldn't be cooking more than one option though.

Basic rule has always been “work before play” but after that they were free to choose how to spend their time, which hobbies, instruments etc.

Free choice of what subjects to study at school though they did ask for advice.

They didn’t get a say about adult things when they were children, eg we moved house and in fact moved countries and explained it to them but didn’t give them the choice or a vote.

Adults decide adult things, children decide children’s things.

They are young adults now, so we discuss things with them in more detail, but again the final decision is ours.

Food - we have always done a menu plan for the week so since they could talk they have had an input.

Clothes - unless it was wildly inappropriate (struggling to think of an example) then they could always wear what they wanted

Daily plans/days out - always been a discussion often with me giving various options when they were little to avoid the silly suggestions like going to the moon 🤣 e.g we are going to a park today - which one would you prefer?
We are going to the cinema - these are the films that are on. As they have got older (youngest 2 now 15 and 11) in the holidays I will say we have x budget for a day out, what are you thinking we could do?

Less than a lot of parents I think but 2 out of 3 are +18 yo so it's pretty standard for my generation I think.

We have one in secondary school and she decides her own clothes, lunch and has a fair say in family matters. She has chosen her own clubs and music instrument.

She doesn't care about what's for dinner sadly. It would be nice to have input.

Ds is 13 and obviously chooses all his own clothes. He chooses breakfast and lunch and I’ll give him a choice of dinners if practical - usually a selection between two or 3 options. Or I’ll say it’s just me and him for dinner and I’m off to the supermarket and is there anything he fancies.

dd is 4 and mostly selects her own clothes apart from school days. I’ll cajole her into a different choice if it’s really unsuitable. She gets no say in dinner but I’ll offer a choice between 2 or 3 options at breakfast and lunch.