Middle aged and stuck

[Getstuffed1]

I know from many many threads lots people also feel stuck in crap relationships. Practically, what can I do? My relationship is awful. I literally hate my partner. Co-own a house. Children late teens, 1 in college, other about to go. Both living at home. They get on well with dad, and with me and with wider family.

I’ve gone past the guilty phase about not modelling a loving, warm relationship to the children. Feel like a failure as a parent but that’s on me for not leaving sooner. DH and I live quite separate lives. there is civil atmosphere. as to the here and now, I feel I’m wasting time when I could be finding someone more fulfilling. But feel too busy and awkward to do dating apps seriously . never done them before and hear so many awful reports on here.

main issue is money. He earns double my salary. I live in expensive south east town. If I tripled my salary (not going to happen) , I could afford to buy a 2 bed flat in similar area. on current salary, I could just about afford to rent a room in a shared house if I left. if I won the lottery, I’d divorce and buy him out of the house. As it stands we need the double income to sustain life where we are living.

People will say why have you left yourself in such a vulnerable position - because house prices have rocketed since we took a mortgage and I don’t hate him enough to break up our comfortable family home in nice area and put each of us in a less pleasant flat where I sleep on the sofa when it’s my turn to have the kids. Or if they wanted to live with me full time, I’d have to move far away for affordability and start again with friends, college, a job .i know many people have done that but I feel too old and so tired when I think about that level of upheaval. I’m knackered and tired and I’ll all the time so not much energy for change.

do people just put up with this sort of life for few years till see what the children end up doing? What if they want to stay in their comfortable home for another 10 years ?
it feels a mess and I’m juggling what I want in my heart with what is practical and sensible.

Truthfully I think people do “put up” in the situation you are describing until the kids are a little more independent.

You’ve said house prices have skyrocketed, so I’m assuming you and DH bought at much less than current market value, I appreciate you couldn’t afford the same property if you sold yours and divided the profit, but if you are desperate to leave you may have to face buying in a less desirable area/further a field.

Do you work full time? If not, maybe consider increasing hours or looking for a better paid job.

I emphasise with you feeling exhausted by it all, but things won’t change unless you make the changes.

“…feel too busy and awkward to do dating apps seriously . never done them before and hear so many awful reports on here” it seems like you need to organise yourself & your children before you even think of finding another partner, in the kindest way getting yourself on a dating app when still married, living with DH & the children aren’t aware of your plans seems like a disaster waiting to happen

Thank you for all the sensible advice. I needed to hear that. Good point re bringing more complexity with OLD .
i think it’s the gap between what we have now and what I could afford on my own . Going from nice area and house with a garden to a small flat in a much worse area. When I was younger, I’d just have wanted my independence but now I’m older I value creature comforts and leafy safe environment a lot more. The children would feel so let down as they love living here near their friends and are both doing well so I don’t want to rock the boat for them out of what feel like selfish motives.

I work full time and am doing some training currently to increase my earning potential . I estimate I’d need a 300% pay increase for living expenses and to service the debt of buying a 3 bed flat in my area even with equity from house sale. And mortgage rate would be high and difficult to get as I’m older,

Is your DH on the same page as you, as in unhappily married/feeling stuck?

Has the hate towards him built up over time, if so that sounds like resentment & resentment can be worked through - if parties engage.

Yes, he is. Understanding is we would sell house and separate when it's feasible. Reality is that could be a long time.

Maybe it is resentment. I feel vengeful towards him and really dislike though which feel like stronger emotions.

I could have posted this - exact same position.
Compounded by tiny house and sharing a bed still. 😬