Making peace with being a failure at work

[NewYearNewIDontKnowWhat]

Is there anyone who like me has not managed to climb the ranks at work and now in my 50s it will be even harder. How have you made peace with it? Can anyone suggest a coach that helped? On paper it "should" have been possible to rise thro the ranks as got an honours degree and PhD which in theory creates doors to open. Looking back i see i didn't have the self confidence others did and am neurodiverse so socially didnt have those skills either. I hung on too long in teams and often moved after a restructure so wasn't the best time. I know im fortunate to have a job but when I see how far others have gone theres a sadness. Sorry this has become a chance to vent. Theres no one to talk to in real life.

Even if you haven’t moved in the past, it’s still not too late to move now. But you have to be clear in your mind about why you want to move forward. - you don’t just get promoted for the sake of it in general-, and what skills you need to develop to be considered for the next step.
Having a PhD merely opened the door at the beginning of your career. It is a measure of your academic ability and not your capability to manage a team, deal with complex stakeholders and get people to agree, be commercial in your objectives and strategic in your thinking.

Well you don't have to say that's it unless you want to. I was in my 40s before I got going, with the ability to type and a few O levels. I worked out what I needed and went for it. Maybe you need presentation skills, or management training? You've got work and life experience, things can change, it's up to you to decide.

Thanks both and I havent given up its just that like other times my timing is crap as the company has reduced headcount especially at senior level. FFS why cant I take action earlier when I see what's happening! Ugh just frustrated with it all at the moment.

I’m nowhere near at the education level you are, but I too feel like a failure at work. I’ve retrained twice and I can’t seem to find a role that im either good at, or enjoy enough to not be too bothered about doing.

I dream of having no mortgage so I could really spend time finding out what I want to be when I grow up!

I’ve never had a career even though I’ve got a degree. It’s years and years of raining neurodiverse kids, my own health and personal tragedy plus my own ADHD and self confidence that has stopped me progressing from jobs like cleaning and factory work. I’m 50 now and can’t afford anything further but I’m fine with this now.

i just make sure that I keep my own mind and interests active outside of work, prob not the answer you’re looking for though

I’m kind of the same, it took me a long time for the penny to drop that being more intelligent than everyone else didn’t necessarily get you into a stellar career. But I’m ok with it now. I’m happy at work and have a good enough career, if not stellar, and it suited my other life circumstances eg with family etc

I like my work, and it suits my life. But it doesn’t pay well.
So, day to day it’s good, but the lack of financial security…
We don’t own a house, a car, can’t afford annual holidays.
Same, I look back on opportunities I didn’t take at the time.

I think it’s about actively looking for opportunities. It’s very easy when things are comfortable to stay put, but I find it important to always have an eye to what’s happening in your field, and to think about opportunities that may not be your perfect choice but could open other doors for you.

Have you stayed at the same company? Promotions usually only happen when you apply to external companies in my experience.

You’re not ‘lucky’ to have a job… you have a job because you have worked hard and done well in that and past jobs. Nobody did you a favour in giving you your job, you achieved that.

I "was" a successful CFO until I got sacked last year. I'm still an "accountant" but in a more junior role. Nice office though, so having a pleasant Friday. But making peace with work not matching your inner dialogue with yourself is hard

You need to decide what you want - it's emphatically not too late to try to rise in the ranks in your 50s - you should have at least 10 working years ahead of you, whether you want to rise internally or move to another company for promotion.

The alternative is, to use your words, to make peace with it. Make the conscious decision to chug along in your present job and 'work to live' - get your enjoyment and satisfaction from what you do outside work, take steps to enable as early a retirement as possible.

Decide which it is to be and start working on it.

OP I am also neurodivergent and in my 50s. When I was younger I found out that to get a better salary & job title I had to move to a new employer. My last promotion was me approaching my line manager and making it clear that I was operating at a higher level and doing much more than when I was initially hired and that I wanted my role re-evaluated

But I must say I have found office work and politics really tricky to deal with and mental and physical issues got in the way of any kind of real career. At the moment I work for myself which is offers me more flexibility.

I am absolutely sure that you are not a failure at work.

But you are clearly measuring yourself harshly against some internal standard. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s a great time of year to look positively at your personal and professional development goals.

Work out what you’d like to do next and aim for that. You’ll feel better if you are taking action.

Thanks everyone all the replies have really helped me today and will reply properly later. So much of what has been said resonates so much with me. Suppose im trying to get my head around where I am relative to my corporate colleagues, understand how I got here and am deciding does it even matter and what happens next. I have 2 high functioning ND DD and their future got me thinking also as corporate world doesn't operate for our way of thinking in my experience. F-ing perimenopause has truly screwed my ND brain for sure.

Being successful in your career doesn’t necessarily mean you are happier day to day.

i did very well in school, studied law but never pursued the career- a lot due to lack of confidence and poor social skills. Also, i was sort of directed towards that career by my parents. I work in a job now that does not need any degree but i am happy enough. I would have been stressed every day trying to fit into a career that wasn't ‘me’.

i do sometimes see where my university classmates are now - doing all sorts of high-up impressive jobs that i would feel out of my depth in and it does make me feel inadequate for a short time.

I am 54. Made redundant from my job of 24 years in 2024. I had spent most of that time working PT, dealing with an abusive marriage, raising 3 children, one of whom is ND and had significant emotional and behavioural issues
ive been a year in my new job, FT, hard work, and i absolutely love it. I have every intention of fulfilling my potential, working hard, seeking advancement. It is very hard sometimes missing those mum of little children days, but I know I can make a success of my career, I feel incredibly lucky to have an interesting and well paid job.
it is never too late xx

50s is not too late!
I “cruised” in a role for years, because I had a young family and a great employer and I didn’t have the time or headspace for my job to be any “bigger”.
DD went to high school the year I turned 50. I started to apply for more senior roles internally. Over 12 months I applied for 12 jobs! (Big employer). After 6 months I got a 15 month assignment- sideways and upwards. After that I got a permanent promotion upwards. Several other applications and interviews that didn’t lead to anything. 2 grades in 2 years! I was terrified for most of that time.

I am 55 now, well established as part of the senior leadership team, and technical expert in my field. I have a good 10 years left to work, 50s is not too late!

I’d advise taking every opportunity that comes your way. Represent your manager at meetings when they’re on leave. Pick up the project/client that no one else wants. Go to evening meetings of your professional body- join your professional body! . Give a lunch time talk on an interesting job or in your field of expertise. Be a “yes” person. Get your name and face known. Fake it til you make it.

Once I started work, main thing I learnt from my PhD was how little I actually knew about my field. I knew masses about a tiny area, but since I didn’t pursue an academic career, that was fairly meaningless.

This is exactly where I hope to travel over the next few years
i ‘coasted’ too. Looking for a new role at 53 was really daunting, and the tech job market is brutal and youth heavy
my new job is such a gift and I intend to grasp the opportunity.
we retire much later nowadays, I imagine another 15 years working which I’m realistic happy to do

Thanks everyone and sorry not been back sooner. Im in a peri menopause low at the moment, comes in cycles and leads to this introspection and analysis. It will pass.

Just in case anyone is interested from replies and my observations of corporate world...
Academic intelligence demonstrated via qualifications get you in but you need social and political skills to navigate through and up (and is a challenge if ND)
Climbing the ladder needs a mix of confidence, timing, luck mixed with ear to the ground and moving to better roles as they appear and not staying until you need the move
Life challenges meant I made the best decisions I could and I am where I am but as others have said its not too late

I have struggled with this feeling for years, OP. I’m 47. Every time I think I’ve ’made peace’ with it (and am v much coasting as pp put it), I think (usually when reading MN threads where everyone is apparently a very high earner) I really should be doing more and earning more for my family.

My company is great, I don’t want to leave, but my job is dead end. I have absolutely no confidence to manage others or blag my way up the ladder to seniority anywhere else. But I feel I don’t know anyone else who has stagnated like this and not moved up over time. I always feel my job is the least useful of the bunch and if they had to make cuts then why would they keep me. And then - that’s never happened so I know I should be looking at it differently, but it never goes away.

I’ve taken over your vent with my vent! But I really sympathise!

Oh @deltapanda Vent away. I hear you 200% but don't have an answer xx

I feel exactly the same @deltapanda

What do you do @@bittertwisted

I have found my people. I have 2 degrees that I got whilst dealing with serious MH problems. I'm probably ND. Had kids fairly young, they both turned out to be ND and not able to access childcare so I'm occupied with them. I do work but have only ever done part time and low paid jobs with no advancement possibilities. They will be grown up by the time I'm in my mid/late 40s so maybe then I can get a better job... But I'm not even sure how I could get a foot in the door of anything but the retail and care work I've done so far.