Which qualities should you prioritise in a partner and what should you compromise on?

[AnyPomegranate]

I'm 29F and have recently become single and started dating again. Dating feels a lot more intentional at this age compared to when I was last dating in my early 20s, and it's been a bit of a minefield working out what exactly I want in a partner. I'm realistic that the 'perfect' dream man that ticks every single one of my boxes probably doesn't exist, but it's hard to know what qualities I should prioritise when dating and what maybe isn't as important as I thought. I'm referring to things like physical attractiveness, romantic chemistry, sexual chemistry, alignment on life goals, good character, financial stability, is he a provider and does he help out around the house, etc.

I was chatting to my friend about it and she said that for her, romantic and sexual chemistry is the #1 most important thing. However, she admitted that this hasn't worked well for her in the past as she ended up wasting time with men who don't have the same life goals as her or haven't treated her well. For me, when I've prioritised romantic chemistry in the past I've found that this feeling has dwindled after the 'honeymoon' period wears off and then other qualities have become more important. Things like physical attractiveness, sexual chemistry and even finances can also ebb and flow over the course of a relationship.

The accepted 'wisdom' amongst my Gen Z/Millennial peers is that you shouldn't settle and it's better to stay single and wait for 'your person' who does tick all your boxes and doesn't give you any doubts. I feel like this is all well and good but then you need to be OK with potentially being single indefinitely in case you don't end up finding your person. This is easier said than done when (at least for my generation) it can be very difficult to do things like buy a house on your own, and a lot of your friends are starting to settle down and focus their energies more on their husbands/kids than on friendships which can be lonely.

Women of Mumsnet who have had both successful and unsuccessful relationships, do you have any advice here? What qualities have made for a happy marriage for you, and what mistakes did you make that you wish you'd avoided? Is it better to go for the man you get on with and who treats you well and wants the same things as you, or the man who you're head over heels madly in love with, or stay single unless you can find both? Thank you in advance and sorry if this sounds like a bit of a stupid question, but I don't really have any role models I can ask in real life about this!

Kindness
Work ethic
Intelligence
Humour
Sexual chemistry

As I’ve got older I’ve realised kindness is an underrated virtue. Solvent and understands how money works….shared values more than shared interests. Nice set of friends….thats a good tell.

Kindness and humour . Sexual attraction not far behind these qualities for me. Sexual attraction alone is not enough for me and tbh most people I know.

Important

Kindness

What I’m going to call decency- being a good egg. Having a moral compass and following it rather than being mean or low. Not always easy.

Compatible attitudes to money

Compatible levels of intelligence and sense
of humour

Chemistry

Unimportant

Looks, especially absolutes like “must be 6’ tall”

I hate the whole concept of “settling” and think it encourages a consumerist and objectifying approach to relationships, as do the apps- as if you can assess a person against a set of tick boxes and need to be careful not to commit too soon because someone better might be just a couple of swipes away. Better to meet one another openly and fully- not to analyse them, use them or judge them, but to really encounter them human to human.

Kindness is the supreme and non negotiable quality.

Life will be so much easier if you also have humour, intelligence and work ethic.

Hi, I was reading about the BurntheHaystackDown dating down. It’s very interesting. Part of it is looking at Rhetoric. Now I’m not sure I really understand it very well, but by studying rhetoric you sort of read between the lines to find out what the person is really saying, even if they don’t fully know it themselves.

As a divorced person - how you both cope with disagreements. If it usually becomes an argument then a reconciliation, that’s not good in my opinion, because one day you can’t be arsed to reconcile.

My ex couldn’t ever be accountable, couldn’t be wrong, couldn’t be sorry - without an argument first. In the end I just wanted to be allowed to have a different option to him.

There’s a bit of me that thinks what is just a little niggle but perfectly lovable at the beginning, becomes the thing that breaks you 20 years later.

Hope that’s not too negative. May you find love and joy.

As I got older, I started to value attraction much more than I did. I think it was a mistake to try to make it work with people I wasn't attracted to. (They don't need to be classically beautiful, but if I don't want to rip their clothes off, I'm out).

Another overlooked virtue is courage. As maya angelou said, "without courage you can't practice any of the other virtues."

But I've been single for 6 years 😂

I never gave qualities a thought initially, but displaying a behaviour or lacking a quality once in a relationship ended it! I think sometimes you can overthink relationships and it's probably best to see how they develop and deal with issues as they occur, rather than set up check list barriers mentally before the first dates start. Attraction of some sort and mutual at that to start, then see how you feel and the rest deal with as and when.

Together 23 years married 21 the follow list wasn't something i was actively looking for but by god am i glad it has worked out this way.

Non-negotiables

Kindness
Trustworthiness, not just in the 'moral' sense but also in the 'he said he'd pick up thr kids etc so now i don't think or worry about it because he always does what he says he will'
A great communicator. I don't hold with people that sulk. If you can talk, you can (usually) fix it.
Sexual chemistry
A sense of humour you enjoy.
Respect - not just how he treats you, which should be full on respect, but other people as well like customer service folk etc although this probably ties in with kindness too.

Desirable
Similiar values re money & spending, ambition and similiar idea of what constitutes a good time.

Believe me there's a lot of nights spent sitting on the sofa in a long term relationship and those evenings are much more fun with a person with those qualities. I don't think people are perfect and it's foolish to expect you'll find 25 amazing qualities in one person. E.g. my DH has all the non negotiables but isn't ambitious, can be too laid back at times and isn't tall or conventionally handsome but I am glad i didn't turn him down because he wasn't 6 foot. Don't settle but don't set impossible standards either.

I’d agree with all these!

Similar traits and values

Intelligence
Humour
financial capability
Child rearing
Hobbies

What those are vary, DH and I have our horrible little club as we call with a membership of two, anything can be discussed, personal or global. We also have a couple of hobbies that cross over. Together for almost 30 years.

First post nails it.

I’ve been very happily married for nearly 30 years.

The only thing I would add is to say your life will be much, much easier if you marry someone who is your best friend.

For me......

Honesty
Reliability
Genuine kindness and thoughtfulness

Anything else is a bonus. It's the above attributes that will last a lifetime. Sexual chemistry is nice but will fade over time, so if you base a relationship on sex/lust alone, with someone who doesn't have the above attributes, you've nothing once the sex/lust has withered away.

Massive "yes" to the best friend comment. That nails it really.

coming from a 30 year relationship, with a smattering of less successful relationships, for me I need the chemistry and attraction to start with, then to see how things progress, or not as the case may be. My DH whom I met at 23, we kind of grew up together, in an adult age (we met at uni), and just kind of fitted together. We quarrel but never really row. We wanted the same things at the same time and have two children, a home, good careers and are great friends, who know each others weaker sides, as well as their strengths, and we kind of balance as far as these things are concerned, so cover our life needs according to our strengths
Respect for each other is probably my second need, along with life and work ethics

Kindness, respect, integrity all matter to me. Knowing that he has my back no matter what and loyalty. Been with DH for over 30 years with a period of separation and it was those qualities that brought us back together - even when things were very difficult he was both kind and loyal. Sexual chemistry comes and goes over a long relationship so isn’t the most stable ground to build from, character is so important.

The most important things for me:

Aligned life goals - there’s no point trying to settle down with someone who doesn’t want kids and wants to do seasonal work forever. Also lifestyles - are you healthy, teetotal, hate smoking, run every day? No point dating a party loving drinker with a drugs penchant who hasn’t lifted a weight since school.

Friendship - you must get on, laugh together, enjoy their personality, find them endearing and charming and funny and interesting! There’s 0 point in marriage without being best mates imo.

Sexual compatibility - not necessarily the best sex you’ve ever had… this can be worked on and developed. But your sex drives and desires, level of kink etc should be similar. Or it’ll all blow up.

Admiration - you must admire something about them. Their looks, their intelligence, wit, humour, work ethic, kindness. Something must make you look at your spouse and think ‘wow, what a guy’. Every time I look at him and think that it’s like being newly together again. 13 years in!

Morality - this must match. Maybe you’ve both lived chequered lives or maybe you’re cleaner than white cloth but either way you must agree on what is moral and immoral in a general sense. Otherwise past behaviour can cause division.