Any executors had trouble with relatives?

[PersephoneParlormaid]

Have any of you had trouble, moans and devious behaviour when trying to execute a will? Please tell me and make me feel better about my situation.

I was executor to my dm's estate. This involved clearing, cleaning, redecorating and selling a 3 bed house.
One of my siblings kept phoning me and demanding to know when she would 'get her money'.
I had to point out several times that there was no money. There was a dirty house crammed with a life time of possessions and if she'd care to come and help, given that she lived close by, that would be very useful.
She didn't help once but she stopped calling after the fourth time.
She's always been very annoying! Still is.

Yes. My DH was executor to a family friend's estate. He had to change the locks on the deceased's house as other members of his family were coming into the house and just taking stuff.

He was accused of holding up the process (he didn't, he undertook probate and it took a few months), of stealing (he didn't) and lying (he didn't). One family member tried to make him responsible for selling the things that she had been left in the will. He was told how to spend the money that he had been left, received messages chasing him for an update 2 days after he had a major operation.

It was a terrible time for him. He kept his family up to date every step of the way, that wasn't good enough. He ensured that the items other people had been left were given to them as soon as they legally could. That wasn't good enough.

He even had arguments about which version of the will he was executing. It was really simple - the signed and dated version! But the greed and nastiness shown to him was awful. He is now no contact with certain people as a result.

Sorry Op - it sounds as though you are in a very difficult situation too?

And just to add, he took his responsibilities very seriously and saw it as his role to ensure that the last wishes of the family friend were carried out. This included making sure that the charities specified in the will received money for instance - he was being told to ignore that.

Yes, I’m in a very difficult position and that’s why I’ve decided to give as much work to the solicitor as possible, even though that will come out of their inheritance. I think we will now end up communicating via the solicitor, and I’ve no desire to ever see or hear from the others again.
They seem to forget that it’s my job to complete the wishes of the departed, not do what they want. It’s actually giving me anxiety and sleepless nights.

In your situation I'd consider rescinding your role and hand it all over to the solicitor. This may mean that the likely net proceeds to the recipients is much lower due to the costs involved. But why should you save the beneficiaries money whilst getting grief from them too?

I am sorry to hear that. I don't think that it's an uncommon situation unfortunately.

I’ve kept everyone fully informed and asked for their opinions about things, and perhaps in hindsight that has been my problem as it’s given them a sense of entitlement IMO.
Because it’s taken so long to reach probate the emotions have gone on their side I think, and they just want money. And I think that their behaviour has stopped me grieving and left me in a long term anxiety limbo.

In that case, @PersephoneParlormaid, I agree with @Iamnotavicar.

Yes. There were joint executors on a relative’s will. They had to act together for probate as the relative’s solicitor said he didn’t trust either of them to be honest. The executors fell out, as one of them wanted to cut the other out of the inheritance. Probate didn’t get done for five years, and the care home were demanding payment of money for fees that were leveraged against the house sale. The care home couldn’t get any money out of the executors, so came chasing me for it. I had to take both executors to court to have them removed as executors and a solicitor appointed in their place. I had abusive phone calls from one of the pair on a regular basis, and that person no longer speaks to me.

I also had to clear the house, sort through the relative’s stuff, maintain it for 5 years, and get it sold. And I arranged the funeral.

I distributed all the personal items, but all the things that had been left to me had previously vanished while living at the care home. I was a little sad about that. There wasn’t that much money in the estate; it wasn’t like they were fighting over millions, and it’s all a bit sad really.

I imagine this is very common OP. Sadly some people turn into absolute vulchers at the thought of inheriting something.

So sorry you are in this position. I can remember that both my Dad and my Grandad had a similar experience to yours when being the executors for relatives ( two separate relatives, one was executor for each). Some of the stipulations in both wills were not what the surviving relatives wanted - so it was all very stressful in both cases and influenced how they wrote their own wills in the end.
Agree with others that you can legally choose to step away - and reminding any difficult beneficiaries of this may be necessary. Agree that having the solicitor do most of the work may be best in your situation. Is there one reasonable person amongst the beneficiaries who you could use as an intermediary? ( that is what my Dad did in his situation). Good luck !

Where there's a will, there's a relative.

My partner was an executor and beneficiary (SIL) was phoning up constantly about 'the estate' and what we needed to do re probate/IHT etc. There was quite a bit of money/house and we passed the details to a company to deal with it. But she was a nuisance about it. Any bill would paid by 'the estate' and she kept saying this after she got her payout and my partner had to say 'thats it, the estate is wound up.The house was left to the family but we opted out because we knew there would be disputes about council tax/energy bills etc

No, no one to be reasonable. Part of the problem is that we are a blended family. I shall keep pushing forward and make all communication via the solicitor if they carry on.
Sorry, this wasn’t supposed to be me moaning, it was meant to be others telling their horrendous tales to make me feel better!

This happened to me and I can fully empathise with you. In my situation I ended up leaving all communications through the solicitor. In the end this cost the beneficiaries.
The relative I was an executor for had pretty much left her entire estate to friends. These friends did not get on. One of them had been named as next of kin while relative was in hospital. This is because I lived much further away.
This person was a complete nightmare, and I believe tried to set me up by trying to get me into my late relatives home. Things were missing, jewellery, all her bank cards, phone etc. This person also locked all the internal doors so that I had to get a locksmith to change the locks. It was like a game for them and completely unnecessary.
i dealt with everything promptly and professionally, but did end all personal communication as I almost had a breakdown.
This also was all quite unexpected, I was really thrown in the deep end as I did not know this realtive very well and believe I was chosen as an executive as I was younger, trustworthy and not after her money.
I would say be careful, protect yourself and do everything via a solicitor. Even if it does cost more.
good luck.

I empathise about almost having a breakdown, as I’ve had physical symptoms of anxiety due to this.

Agree with others that you can legally choose to step away - and reminding any difficult beneficiaries of this may be necessary.
You can only give up the role of executor before you have undertaken any of the duties.
If you've started on the process you are not then allowed to renounce your role as an executor.

i actually tried to resign from the position as I was not fully aware of being an executor of the estate and had certainly not signed up to the position.
Turns out this is not easy and would have come at my personal expense.

my experience was I had not undertaken any duties. I travelled to the solicitor’s office (different county). They advised if I resigned I would have to go to a different solicitors office. Then I would need to call a meeting of all the beneficiaries (not on good terms with each other) to elect a new executor at my expense.

Well that's a bummer isn't it! Good luck OP. I am related to many vultures who popped up before my relative died, so I walked away before needing to act as an executor. My vulture cousin got everyone else written out of their inheritance by bullying our relative into making a new will. I live far away and wasn't even told of the death or the funeral arrangements.
I have not spoken to them since my relative was alive.

I've gone NC with one of my brothers due to his abusive behaviour over mum's care. We are all joint executors so I'm hoping that when the time comes she's run through all her money on care and there's just a small amount of cash to divi up. He'll still manage to be a prick as it's his default state.

My parents had issues with my Uncle and paternal grandparents house and estate - doing unnessary things to house and demanding estate pay - demanding money before estate wound up. It caused huge amount of stress and upset. I think a lot was about control he lived abroad usually and was in conuntry becase parents isnsited the end was near but seemed to resent not being the executor - though preety sur emy parenst ahd to borrow money to settle a few things then claim the money back and I don't think he'd have wanted to do that.

Dad forgave his brother as he always did and Mum held a grudge like she always did with them.

My Granddad said he'd never agree to be executor when there was charity involved in the will again.

Dsis already damanded total control when she evenetually becomes executor of Mum's estate - sounds sensible to me.

A relative of mine was an executor. Most of the work was done by a solicitor. But when it was all finished he got a very nice letter from one beneficiary thanking him for what he had done and the trouble he had taken . He really appreciated that

people seem to lose their mind when the hint of money/inheritance/bequest comes up. being an executor is a v.responsible task and if asked you need to think carefully and read up about the responsibilities. A friend of mine threatened the family with the Police if the family members attempted to enter the house of the deceased without informing him and nothing was to be taken UNTIL probate had been granted.

I've been an executor twice. Both times I got a local firm of solicitors to do the work. That way I replied to every complaint that the lawyers had it in hand. When one of the beneficiaries complained about the cost - the estate paid obviously - I simply told them it was my decision not theirs.