Should I be reporting this to SS or school or just leave it?

[Safeguardingoroverreacting]

Short backstory, dds dad and I split when she was a baby, she's now 9.

I stopped him seeing her for a year after quite a few concerning things, including her calling me in the mornings from his because he wouldn't wake up, his home being filthy, constant sickness when she came back from his, and him locking her in the house while he popped out as well as other things.

I spoke to ss and provided evidence and they said they would get involved if I didn't stop him seeing her, and advised me to let him take me to court. Which he did after a year.

We had the first hearing and he stated in court that everything had been sorted including the state of his home. She was keen to see him, so I agreed to allow her back under the proviso that his home was habitable and he looked after her (well just didn't neglect her as he had been).

She called me via video chat and his home was a state, literally nothing changed.

She said she didn't want to go back anyway, so I suggested daytime contact for now.

She had one instance of daytime contact and has point blank refused to see him again.

Initially she said its because he didn't allow her to mention me at all, he told her off for even daying the word "Mum" apparently (I believe this).

However tonight we were just chilling out watching something on the TV and she mentioned him, I asked if she maybe wanted to see him next week for the day and she became hysterical. She told me she is scared of him. I told her it was OK, I wouldn't force her to see him, and she settled down, and she then told me she was frightened of him. I asked if he wanted to talk about it and she said no so we had a hug and then she went off to bed.

I didn't want to question her anymore, but I do think that someone needs to talk to her to find out what's going on. I'm aware I shouldn't be asking any leading questions, or putting ideas in her head, so I didn't push it because she just shut down.

The schools here are off tomorrow again, but I'm wondering if I should speak to the safeguarding lead there when they go back, or call SS tomorrow, or just leave her a while and see if she opens up?

I really don't know whether I'm over or under reacting and I don't know what to do for the best.

It's not a situation for social services - she's not seeing her dad so they don't have a role here. Unless she tells someone that he's done something criminal they don't need to be involved. It's a good idea to talk to the school. Don't be scared of talking to her about it though - you're not a police officer or social worker you're her mum and it's perfectly fine to ask her if she's scared of her dad and why.

That's a strong reaction from your DD OP, and I can see why you are concerned. It might be worth seeking guidence from NSPCC on next steps https://www.nspcc.org.uk/about-us/our-services/nspcc-helpline/?utm_old=helpline

Thank you.

She really didn't want to talk about it, so it's making me wonder if something has gone on, and if it has I would rather that a statement was taken properly and she was questioned in the right way by the right people.

I also saw how it made her feel when her dad banned her from talking about me/threw the odd insult in there, so I don't want her to feel like I'm attacking her dad either.

If something has happened then this part is really important to get right, so I'm really stressing bout the best thing to do.

Thank you, the NSPCC is a great shout, I'll call them tomorrow for advice about the best thing to do.

She last saw him 6 or 7 weeks ago now, and she has been a bit out of sorts since then really.

We have court again soon as well, and I'm worried that there will be a court order issued and she absolutely doesn't want to go.

Coan you request counselling or support through the GP/school

The reaction is concerning. Whatever has happened is still upsetting DD so speaking to someone about feelings may help.

Thanks I'm going to call NSPCC tomorrow, and speak to the school when this weather calms down and they are open again.

It's really concerning and she's usually quite a chilled out kid, so this has been a real shock and I'm not quite sure how to handle it.

If he has assaulted her it will come out in time, you dont need to contact anyone now, wait until she speaks to you.

WTF??? this is truly bonkers advice, what are you on?

OP please contact NSPCC at the very least, and let the school know.

Why bonkers. She hasnt made any disclosure. She might want to let school know she is unsettled and had an outburst about dad, but thats all

NSPCC will advise to give her space and time and that if she has been assaulted it will come out when she is ready.

I’d ask her if anything has happened. These sort of conversations are best in the car on a longish journey, it’s easier to speak when there is no eye contact.
You don’t need school or SS to do this, she’ll most likely find it easier to speak to you.

Please don’t do this it is terrible advice. You do not know what has happened, by ignoring her reaction you are leaving her without the appropriate care and support and she may never tell you. Also without the right agencies finding out this crucial information will not be available to the court when making contact decisions.

please in the first instance talk to the safeguarding lead at school. They are trained in ways of discussing without cohesion , and can direct to the appropriate support.

Absolutely this, which is why it will come out in time

The best therapy children can have is the safety and security and predictability of their parent, thats what good parenting does, allows her to discuss what she needs to.

Talk of 'counselling' is disproportionate at this stage, she doesnt need to be therapised, she just needs mum there for when she is ready if anything did happen.

My advice is to speak to SS as they have been involved previously on exactly this matter. They need to be updated about the situation. They will advise you about what to do next.

Do you have a caffcass officer? She can tell them she doesn't want to be see her dad and it will go in their report. They won't force her to see him. And even if they do order direct contact. I have been told no one can drag a child kicking and screaming. So long as it's the child's decision they can't come in and take them by force and you won't be breaking any orders.

I agree with giving her a bit of breathing space and keep reassuring her she can tell you anything and you won't be upset with her. But don't leave it longer than a few days. Then ask her what's happened, before the final cafcass report is due, so it can be included in the report and your statements before you go to court. And police can be involved if needed.

Women's aid run a star course which was great for my child. Also counselling, once you know what you're dealing with.

Stay strong, this will be tough and you'll need a support network around you xx but you will get through this xx

If she doesn't have an allocated social worker now then they really don't need to be updated unless/until she makes a disclosure about some kind of harm

In this situation I would speak to school for advice.

I can see from your post that you’re worried about assault. But, can I ask if he’s originally from the uk or has strong links elsewhere?

I don’t want to put more worries in your head, but from the timing and the court case etc I would also be worried about kidnap.

I know that sounds dramatic but if he’s said to her something like “next time I see you we’re going to leave mummy and move to X” that would also cause this reaction, and the timing fits with the court case.

Thank you all.

No I won't be leaving things until they come out in time. She needs support right now.

I tried to have a chat again this morning, and she started freaking out again, so I've just left it for the moment. I've reminded her she can talk to me about anything, which she usually does, so I'm just not sure what's going on.

I spoke to NSPCC and they have advised talking to the DSL at school, so I've sent a message to her teacher today to get the ball rolling on that. Hopefully the weather gets up and they will be back in tomorrow. I think speaking to someone neutral will be good for her. I know he doesn't allow her to talk about me, so I think he must have banned her from talking about him to me as well. Every time she talks about him I respond positively so there's no reason for her to think I don't like her talking about him.

There next court hearing is to assess photos and statements about his behaviour so I hope someone will come and talk to her to get her view after that. I'm not sure how the process works and I'm self representing so that's as much as I know.

I really don't know what's happened, I can't imagine him deliberately hurting her, he's neglectful, and can be manipulative, but I've never known him be violent or anything like that.

Hopefully I'll get some answers soon and then I'll know the best way to support her.

I never knew my exh was hitting our 3 dc... Any reports I made to Cafcass were ignored /papered over. Getting proper outside bodies involved is vital imo. Ask dd if she would like to speak to a Dr. They are a trusted /safe person.. Yes speak to school.. They can give a statement on dd's best interests ime.

I have an appointment at the school tomorrow (weather permitting) to talk to the DSL.

The last time she saw him they were out for the day, they didn't go to his house at all, so I'm just not sure what could have happened. I'm thinking it's more along the lines of emotional abuse than physical at this point, but hopefully I can either get her chatting, or someone at the school who's more of a neutral party can and the I can get her some help.

She's safe, she's not seeing him, and ,as it stands, even if it's court ordered I won't be sending her with the way she feels at the moment.