What do arguments between you and your partner look like?

[cantthink123]

And how do you deal with it when they are in a bad mood?

I'm curious to know what other couples arguments look like??

My partner came downstairs after a days work.. I had been playing with DS1 (7yo) and DS2 (2yo) and made them dinner... DS1 had a piano lesson so I played with DS2 (1yo) Then afterwards DS21 left to go with his Dad... when he left my partner started huffing around and tyding up around me..I offered to make him dinner and said I would tidy but then he had a big go at me about making the place filthy.. toys everywhere and food everywhere- (which there wasn't) - a few toys in the floor and some pasta bowls from dinner I hadn't got round to cleaning yet.. he said he does not want to finish a days work and spend an hour and a half cleaning (20mins) ... I asked him to stop and he told me to go away..and go upstairs... I said he can't order me around and I'm not going anywhere and if he doesn't want me around then he should be the one go somewhere else but he can't order me to leave.... and so he took the baby upstairs... as he did I heard the toddler babble to him and he said to the toddler 'yes I know. It is very controlling' .

I know everyone has bad days and he said himself he was in a bad mood.. and I'm also pretty sensitive as a person... would you just let it go if you knew they were having a bad day in order to be supportive? how do you deal with it when your partner is in a bad mood?

We do ours mostly through interpretative dance followed by love making.

DH has never told me to ‘go away’ ever in 37 years together. We’ve had a few ‘arguments’ over the years but never raised voices,
name calling or speaking disrespectfully. Our arguments are more like disagreements and we try to conduct them in a civilised manner.

Sometimes one or other of us is in a grumpy mood for whatever reason. The other one usually asks if they’ve done something to cause upset. If the answer is no we usually apologise for being snappy or whatever and that’s the end of it. Sometimes it’s a ‘no it’s nothing you’ve done but I’m feeling tired/fed up/hormonal (me) or stressed about work (him) and need a bit of space’. And space is given and then we have a hug later. If the other person has done something to cause upset we voice it along the lines of ‘I felt ……when you…..’ and there’s apology and discussion if needed.

Neither of us could cope with a lack of respect when someone was having a bad day, but sometimes people do need time and space if they don’t want to talk about it there and then.

We don't really argue, just say what we think. Never been honest to confess I often ignore whatever he thinks (unless I realise there's something in what he's saying, then I try and work out a solution), don't take it to heart and get on with life - I suspect he does the same 😂. We've been together 32 years - scary.

@CountryGirlInTheCity thankyou for your reply - that sounds very healthy to me! it's very important to say what you think but to remain respectful at the same time.. which I'm sure doesn't happen with A LOT of couples.. but yours sounds like the ideal.

@Sunnyside4 wow that's a long time, you must be doing a lot right to be together that long!

I don't know if it's ok for a partner to come down and have a go at you for the house not being clean enough when you have just been looking after two children and cooking dinner etc... just wondering if to anyone else that's kind of a normal thing to fight about as a couple..?

We shout at the top of our voices for 5 minutes to get our point across then we forget all about it because I’m usually right and so get my way. 50 years plus!

Brilliant!

We've been married 35 years and I don't think my DH has ever had a go at me for toys on the floor or dishes in the kitchen - if he saw something that needs doing, he would just do it! He doesn't think I'm some sort of domestic servant!

We rarely argue but occasionally can be snappy with each other if irritable - usually followed by an apology for being snappy!

DH can occasionally be a bit moody if stressed out with work - I give him a wide berth and he will cheer up after a bit.

Honestly its extremely rare that we argue.. but would probably be a couple of snappy sentences to each other then forgotten about. Like a PP said, he would never complain about toys or dishes, he wouldn't do it himself but wouldn't say anything either, it would just get done when I get round to it. Luckily we both have very laid back personalities

No. He sounds horrible. Absolutely confrontational critical and
But probably best to schedule a conversation about this behaviour/criticism of you when you are both in a calmer situation and when the children aren't there and see if he has an explanation or apology. If he went on claiming he was right I would be setting boundaries for this sort of interaction.
As far as I can see you weren't arguing, he was attacking you and belittling you, weaponising your toddler, and you were rightfully defending yourself.

But maybe it was a misunderstanding. If he apologised or can understand your point of view when things are calmer, that is a possibility.

Look up DARVO. Deny attack reverse victim and offender.

Thankyou @Endofyear. @winterbluessand @Nettleskeinswow so many couples on here hardly ever argue. And @Nettleskeinsthankyou for your advice - it's really helpful to hear what arguments and conflict look like In other relationships... I think it's quite easy for things to get normalised when you've been in a relationship with someone for a while...especially if you have a partner that is manipulative...

He was being a dickhead.

My husband has never had a go at me over the state of the house. When our kids were little he understood that there would be toys everywhere and cleaning up bowls or whatever might not get done straight away with a toddler to look after. He also didn't see it as my job to keep the house clean when I was at home with small kids.

When we have had disagreements he certainly didn't order me around and then gaslight me.

And let me tell you, he has been through some really stressful periods at work. He never took that out on me though.

We argued a lot. I'm not saying we didn't. Triggering situations are often the cause...and I think you both have to address why they arise in the first place. What are his attitudes to the housework...does he understand it's a shared environment not just a house you are tidying or a meal you are cooking for HIM. You are both occupants and the children too. This is the sort of thing you need to discuss when you aren't tired and the children are not caught up in the discussion.
A friend said to me after many many arguments with her husband is that sometimes the answer is to be" curious". Is there something that is causing him to feel so angry and hateful? Could you both agree to have boundaries...some mess allowed and pre prepared meal so he can help himself.? What did his childhood home look like? Does he need to go for a walk around the block after work put toddler to bed for you etc instead of picking a fight? Toddler bedtimes can be a flashpoint for all sorts of jobs clashing.
Ask him in cold light of day what he thinks would be his ideal arrangement to make things run more smoothly . Is it rational or crazy? Does it take into account both points of view, his and yours equally?
I'm not a therapist - tbh we certainly could have benefited from one- but there are so many things going on with our interactions with our partners that if you feel your relationship is worth working on then you might need to think about all this stuff.

Fwiw my husband used to come back from work at 7pm and immediately started helping me put the three children to bed - I was a SAHM. Then we both cooked supper. Then I tidied up, got uniform ready for next day (a bit). (Tidying toys etc wasn't that important to him and he used to find me tidying before supper very annoying!)

We don’t aruge. We used to aruge like cat & dog but we were young over the years I guess we grew up & worked as a team.

Thankyou everyone. @Taweofterroryour partner sounds like a good man!

@Nettleskeins thankyou this is really good advice.. I'm going to to exactly that and be curious and ask him what his ideal arrangements are for things to run more smoothly for him and see if they are rational 🙏 Your partner sounds like a good man too ☺️

Thankyou again for the advice! X

Well they don't look like that because my DH is not an arsehole. He would've picked up the mess if it bothered him or just left it if he was particularly tired but NEVER would he start an argument over normal family untidiness. That sounds like someone who is just itching for a fight to me, which is concerning.

My DH definitely has the odd grumpy moment and I normally defuse it with humour. Or demand he give me a cuddle until he feels better. I don’t tolerate banging and crashing around, so there would be none of that. Occasionally he’ll be in a bad mood at the same time I’m in a bad mood, and we’ll have a firm and frank exchange of views, but we attack the behaviour, not the person, no shouting and neither of us would ever say something that we’d struggle to come back from. We spend an hour or so in separate rooms. He tries to feed me. I tell him that’s not an acceptable apology and he apologises for being a dick. And vice versa.

The getting the toddler involved thing would be enough for me to warn him that that was his one and only fuck up in that department and if I ever heard him involving a child in our argument again, I’d be seeking supervised visitation for him, once a week in a contact centre. That is absolutely unacceptable. I cannot express how furious I would be with him for this. Certainly marriage ending if he did it again.

Thank you for your replies @Thepossibilityand @WilfredsPies- I think defusing with humour is a very clever idea... and always lightens things! And yes discussing behaviour and not attacking character is very important!

Unfortunately it's not the first time he's involved the toddler.. I've warned him before but it's like in the moment he can't seem to help himself... but we need to have another chat about this because he NEEDS to learn
how to.. x

@cantthink123 Maybe tell him that what he’s doing is actively harming your child. It’s abusive. It makes the child feel like they have to take sides and causes rifts in the child’s relationships with their parents. It makes them feel very unsafe. And no, a toddler is probably not going to understand the odd comment, but they will understand it when they’re two or three. Is he planning on stopping doing it by then? Cause if he can stop then, he can stop now. And they will pick up on the shift in atmosphere even now.

You’d have to be a really shit, uncaring and irresponsible parent to bring your children into conflict like he’s doing.