Please help; in despair at 2 year old’s behaviour

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My 2y9m boy was an absolute delight until about 4/5 months ago. Such a happy, well behaved little boy. But it’s like a switch went off in the autumn and his behaviour is just unmanageable.

He’s incredibly hyperactive and doesn’t sit still for more than 2 minutes. He hits his sister (sometimes just out of the blue), throws things, climbs everything, his play is incredibly rough. He’s very destructive and you can’t leave him on his own for 30 seconds - yesterday I left him alone for 1 minute and he had uncapped a black felt tip and drawn all over the walls (and yes the felt tips are normally kept well away from him).

Nursery have been making noises about him ‘not listening’ and being ‘boisterous’ for a couple of months and have said today they want to meet with us tomorrow morning. I’m dreading it.

I don’t know where I’m going wrong. He has plenty of outdoor time - when not at nursery, 3-5 hours a day of park, farm, walks, woods, garden. His diet is good. His speech and understanding is excellent. Sometimes he can be very sweet - if he bumped into you by accident for example he would apologise without you asking him to.

When he does something he shouldn’t I’ll say firmly but in a cross voice ‘no hitting/drawing on the walls’ and confiscate the offending item or put him in his bedroom behind the stairgate for a few minutes. I then ask for an apology, he apologises and then he simply does it again. It’s like he doesn’t care. If I say ‘naughty DS’ to him he just says ‘naughty mummy’ back.

Is this a phase? He started his new nursery in August and the last one had no complaints. It’s like he’s had a personality change overnight, he’s just relentless and screams/tantrums a lot as well.

He doesn’t show aggression to me or DH, mostly his sister who is 6, but she winds him up a LOT and it’s hard to know who the instigator is a lot of the time.

Please no ‘ASD/ADHD’ talk, not because I’m shutting it down but because he is 2, nobody will assess him, it would make no difference at this point and I doubt he’s ND as his socialising, eating, sleeping, tolerance for change etc is all absolutely fine. I’m really just looking for practical parenting tips or a few works of empathy.

Thank you

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That sounds really hard.

I'd be really form.woth boundaries. Hitting is never allowed. So the same consequence each time. Take one of his favourite toys and put it on a high shelf and he can't have it for 15 minutes or whatever you think is right. Every single time.

I'd also tell him that hitting is naughty. Different from he's naughty and it's an important distinction.

Always follow through. So if you tell him x will happen as a consequence it has to happen.

Always praise the good stuff. So if he sits nicely....tell him!

Nursery might have some great ideas too.

It will probably pass. Keep the faith! Your lovely boy is still.in there!

https://calmerparenting.org/

Read the website, buy her books, follow her advice, have a happy life.

I had a very similar boisterous boy. It was a stage that gradually just got better. I know it's tough but we just kept repeating the behaviour we wanted, such as soft hands, only draw on paper. Focus on what behaviour you want rather than what you don't want...not sure if it's true but I heard the brain of a young child doesn't hear "not or "don't".

Nursery and initially reception were hard times especially after having a daughter however overtime he just became more in control of his emotions and is now super bright and a delight.

Boys often seem to have more energy and try riskier behaviour..not sure if it's testosterone surges.

It hasn’t been recommended to call a child naughty for a long time. Has he been assessed by the HV on the ages and stages questionaire? I ask because 2 words sentences is not what is expected for a nearly 3 year old.

Do you remind him of expected behaviour before you go some where or start a new activity?

Asd

My dd went through a phase like this and I sort of worked out it was a desperate attempt to grasp at “power” (I don’t know how to explain it other than that). She would do things like tell me “mummy, if you don’t let me have chocolate, I will hit you!!!”. I at first told her off or told her if she does that she’s going for a time out. But she seemed to get more riled up by those things - being told off started an “argument” (as much as you can argue with a 2yo) and the time out meant an explosive tantrum and half an hour of me returning her to it after she repeatedly ran off screaming.

She seemed to live for the drama. So I trued just saying calmly “okay”. She was stunned at first. Like “what do you mean, okay?!”. She wanted a reaction from me. Me just saying okay was so boring for her. If she then ever hit me, I just ignored her and walked away. It took the power out of it, she no longer had control of the situation because it was causing no reaction from me.

she would often wake her baby sister up on purpose too and the more I got angry at her for doing this, the more often she did it. Then one day when she decided to scream to wake her sister up, I decided to just do nothing. I ignored it. I calmly tended to the now crying baby and ignored that dd had caused it. She then said to me “mummy, I woke her up!!!”. Basically asking me why I wasn’t reacting. She hasn’t done it since, because my reaction is so boring it doesn’t give her the emotional thrill she’s seeking.

Might be worth trying to ignore the behaviour, if you’re able. Worked for me. I think to an extend they’re trying to learn about emotions by testing the water so not engaging with negative behaviour in a way that gives them the attention they’re craving seems to work. I also conversely made sure to really praise good behaviour. I read somewhere that letting toddlers overhear you yelling stuffed animals of sibling how good you thing they’re being really makes them glow, and it’s true. I often let her overhear me telling her dad how amazing she did at some positive thing that day and I see how she then repeats that good behaviour. She really likes attention and when they’re that little it can sometimes not matter if it’s good or bad - so just make sure you don’t give the bad stuff any response and give the good stuff lots of praise.

That sounds really hard!
You’re doing amazing to get him outside and active so much so well done to you there, I would be knackered so hats off to you.
I have an extremely challenging son and I definitely don’t always get it right so no judgement at all here however a couple of suggestions since you ask…
ideally I would avoid labelling him at all, particularly as ‘naughty’. I know it’s now a word avoided in educational settings so it won’t do him good to develop that as part of his vocabulary but also will not do him any good to have any negative labels forming part of his inner voice or self-identity. Children are just trying to figure out who they are and where they fit into the world. If you convince him he’s naughty by nature, he will believe you and the behaviour will follow. Instead it would be better to try and explain what is wrong about the behaviour specifically and like PP said, definitely describe what is wrong with the behaviour rather than him. Remember this is his first time on earth and he does need to be told at least once actually why we don’t hit people or draw on the walls.
You also mentioned speaking to him in a cross voice, I would say try the opposite and see what happens. Try and lower your voice and and come across as immensely calm in those moments. It helps keep them regulated and also makes sure they don’t start seeking out negative attention from you due to getting big reactions for bad behaviour. I read that you want to come across as completely unflappable, a cool calm leader. This really stuck with me. It helps to keep them calm and to remain in their logical brain (which is where all the thinking and learning happens). Everyone stops listening and learning when someone is cross with them
as they go into fight or flight mode (emotional brain).
I would also try focus more on underlying causes of behaviour or what he might be trying to communicate in those moments. I know you say his language is great but do remember that even adults find it hard to identify and label their emotions or regulated their emotions, so it’s likely that despite great language he’s not going to be explaining all his needs and feelings. It’s possible there’s something he’s trying to communicate when he starts acting up. It could be as simple as boredom or wanting attention, or it could be something else (anger, frustration?).
Overall I would go out of your way to double or even triple the level of praise that you’re giving him as he will be hearing a lot of negatives these days given his recent behaviour. Find any excuse to praise him inbetween bad behaviour. And be specific. “Wow that was great listening there”. “I love how hard you have tried on this, are you proud of how it turned out?”. “You were so kind earlier when you apologised and checked I was OK”. And overall pay less attention to the bad behaviour (firm clear boundaries of course but minimal attention and time spent on it all, and very calm and boring reactions) then as quickly as possible just redirect and move on asap!
Hope some of that helps
Like I say god knows I don’t always get it right and I am still just learning all of this myself so hope none of that comes across preachy! ☺️

You say his sister winds him up a lot.

Maybe you need to work on that, because I suspect that a lot of his misbehaviour is out of sheer frustration. He's not really able to articulate his feelings verbally yet, certainly not to that level, and he's doing the only other thing available to him.

Agree with a pp about never telling him he is naughty. It is the behaviour that's naughty, not the child.

I didn’t say he only speaks 2 word sentences. I just happened to give an example that’s 2 words. He speaks in proper sentences eg ‘Ben took Molly’s food at nursery’

His speech is very good and he sailed through his 2 year ASQ.

I do remind him but it makes no difference.

Oh Lord this is DS, 100%. You’ve described him better than I could - the ‘living for drama’ part is just so spot on, and the way in which being told off starts an argument that ends up way more explosive than whatever set it all off. The way in which they seem almost gleeful at you reacting, whether it’s a good or bad reaction. A constant need for big attention.

I will try this, thank you so much.

Thank you, I will also take this into account.

Yes, she is extremely competitive with him and will start crying if he peels his satsuma faster than her… that level. There’s a lot of ‘mine’ and ‘first’ and ‘I did it faster’ and he cottons onto this and gets angry if he loses. They fight 24/7, it’s unbearable at times. I also caught her tonight whispering to DS to spit at us (yep, awful) because we switched the TV off.

Yes, they do it for attention.

The Calmer, Happier Parenting approach I linked to above explains it all and tells you how to deal with it.