People with ADHD shouldn't label themselves.

[Toomanyfridgemagnets]

Sorry, if the title comes across as inflammatory (it's not intended as you will see). I also didn't want to put this in the neurodiverse section either as I wanted opinions from people with adhd and without.

I was diagnosed with inattentive adhd almost a year ago, at the age of 52. I have struggled with many aspects of my mental (and physical) health since I was a child. I have kept my diagnosis to myself only telling dh, dc (adults), Dsis and my father. Obviously, my diagnosis is no one else's business and I am also wary that it is sometimes controversial, people seem to have various opinions on the subject.

My concern that I have atm came up during one of my recent counselling sessions. I have been in counselling for the last 3 months, sadly not adhd counselling as I can't afford that. My counsellor is lovely and we get along well. I have mentioned my diagnosis to her a few times but it is not the subject of the counselling so I've said little about it, we are trying to work through my current issues (low self-esteem, consistently high anxiety, panic attacks, physical issues and the stress from caring for my elderly mum with advanced dementia). It's going ok, nothing ground-breaking but ok.

However, she said something to me at the end of our last session which I can't stop thinking about (not unusual for me to deeply mull over things, my brain never stops over thinking).

We were talking about how I handle certain situations in life and I said maybe I am that way or act that way because of my adhd and maybe it's because my brain is simply wired differently to a neuro-typical persons? She paused for a moment and then told me that she didn't think it is healthy for people to label themselves, that we are all individuals and have the right to be different, to think differently and we should all be kind to ourselves and labelling gets you nowhere in life.

I absolutely appreciate that we are all individuals with different life experiences and different ways of dealing and handling those experiences and of course we should be kind and easy on ourselves but I am not sure what I think of her mentioning 'labelling'. I am sure that I haven't labelled myself, as I say I don't go around telling people about my ADHD diagnosis and I don't excuse myself because of it but at the same time isn't it who I am at the end of the day or was the assessment and diagnosis a waste of time? If someone spend years in physical pain only to find there was actually a diagnosis for it and they could finally reach a better understanding as to why they experienced this pain and why it held them back for so long, wouldn't they want to know? Can that not be used in the same way for different mental health issues? I am genuinely confused and not sure where to go from here.

I have seen posts on MN regarding adhd and have noticed others say it's over-diagnosed in their opinion or that many issues are more than likely down to some kind of childhood trauma etc rather than from any kind of neuro diverse issue (I had a great childhood btw).

And is a 'label' not the same as a diagnosis? I am genuinely confused about neurodiversity at times and it is something that I am still navigating. Or should I just drop it, stop navigating and let it go?)

Speaking assomeone with ADHD, you need a new therapist OP. It doesn't have to be 'ADHD therapy' - my therapist isn't an ADHD specialist and we aren't focusing on my ADHD, but it would be disingenuous to pretend that those other issues I'm wanting support with aren't impacted by my ADHD. Growing up without the assumption that I was just lazy and a bit shit, rather than struggling, was/is a huge factor in how I view myself and my self worth, just as much as my emotionally abusive marriage, but nobody tells those moving on from such relationships it's not helpful to label it in such a way. Equally it's useful to understand my 'default' in terms of impulsivity, difficulty with social interactions, relationships, sensitivity to rejection etc to appreciate how and why I'm thinking in a certain way.

I do agree with her that it would be lovely for everyone to be able to accept themselves for who they are without a diagnosis, and I don't think ADHD means it's not possible to retrain/frame your thought processes, but I have found it easier not to beat myself up for some of the areas of my personality that I struggle with now I understand there is a contributing cause. I still work hard to pause in the moment, recognise what I'm doing/why I'm doing it, and reframe as needed. Could I do that without a diagnosis? Probably. Is it easier to do when I'm not simultaneously telling myself I'm inept at basic social interactions because I'm just shit, rather than their being a contributing factor. Absolutely. Like you, I don't go around telling everyone that I'm doing x y z because of my ADHD, but therapy is the one place that should feel safe to pick away at those threads and join the dots of how it all pieces together

Was it solely in response to your comment "maybe I actually that way because of my ADHD"? It depends what specifically you were talking about I think.

If it is something that your ADHD makes harder, there is a difference between these two responses:

• I automatically act like X in this situation because of my ADHD, so I am helpless.
• I automatically act like X in this situation, but I want to change this. I know it will be harder for me because of my ADHD, but I'm wanting to find ways I can learn to change my response.

Maybe your therapist was pointing you towards this distinction?

I'd agree with you I have asd and have not told a sole. It does not define me however it was a bit of a light bulb moment when I realised some situations in my life were perhaps due to asd. I felt diagnosis gave me a better understanding of myself as did my diagnosis of physical illnesses. For example when I had a diagnosis of ME my doctor pointed out how x caused y and how I needed to choose if I live with the consequences of y or if I make changes to my lifestyle. I can do the same with asd I see what keeps me well and decide if thats how I lead my life or not. The diagnoses gave me an understanding to make those informed choices.

Change therapist. Mine totally understands adhd thankfully and would never say shite like that.

You need a therapist that has had training in ADHD and understands it. I have had therapy when younger and also ADHD and autism specific therapy recently and the non-ND therapy just wasn’t useful.

Thank you everyone.

I am coming to the end of this current counselling, only 2 more weeks to go.

I will give it a break then look into counselling with someone more interested or understanding of adhd although I have low funds atm, so it may have to wait for a while longer.

I have ADHD but don't tell people. I've worked with so many people who make 'having ADHD' their entire personality and every time they do something wrong they are full of 'oh, it's my stupid ADHD brain', which gets the blame for everything, even things that ADHD could not even possibly be responsible for.

So maybe your counsellor was more trying to point you towards not using ADHD as a 'fall back' or scapegoat for things? And maybe she just expressed it clumsily?

First post nails it.
Yeah - somethings are harder with ADHD. Sometimes it is 'the adhd' as a reason why. It's up to you who you tell. I tell people because I hope that some of the things I was previously jumped on for might be a bit more explained and people might be less nasty and judgemental. But ultimately it's given me the tools to recognise when I'm in a shame spiral and stop the suicide ideation. Id say that's worth all the shit people throw around about it not being real, or over diagnosed etc. until you've walked a mile in my shoes ...

I’m not sure I can answer the question but I was diagnosed with adhd two years ago (in my 50’s) and was reticent to tell people initially, expecting lots of “oh we’ve all got a bit of it these days” comments.

I was actually shocked at the positive, affirmative responses from when I did start to disclose. “Gosh, that’s not surprise of the year!” My brother, who I really expected to dismiss it just laughed and said “yeah, we always knew”

Getting the diagnosis has really helped me understand myself more and develop strategies based on understanding where my feelings/behaviours come from. I get quite extreme emotions and it’s not because I have a bit of borderline personality disorder it’s because people with adhd often feel very happy or very sad. I understand that I might speak before filtering my thoughts but I also can’t filter incoming stimuli so I can get quite exhausted by certain environments.

She is a dickhead.

In my experience, there is a split between 'it's all to do with biology/brain' vs 'it's all down to life experiences/trauma' - depending on which service you go to. People tend to think in extremes while both are likely to be relevant, the way we are is usually a mixture of both. Nature and nurture, some impact of biology, some of what we're been through, wider culture etc. As long as your therapist can acknowledge both factors are relevant, I would not worry. It's when the focus shifts to 'only XYZ, lets focus on that', I'd consider switching.

Low self -esteem and high anxiety can be part of ADHD so I agree that it would be helpful to find a counsellor, when funds allow, with a good understanding of ADHD.

Your current therapist doesn’t sound terribly helpful.

I was late diagnosed in my 30s. I found reading books and podcasts helpful. There are layers of shame that need to be peeled back and once I got rid of those I've made more progress with some of lowest executive function skills.

There's a book called Smart But Scattered Guide To Success for Adults that an EAP counsellor recommended which I have found helpful. Some people work through it together with a counsellor.

I'm still me, I just know why I struggle (due to deficits in some areas and strengths in others). I look back now and its blindingly obvious what I was finding hard in my youth and 20s, but at the time I didn't have the tools.

Work in progress describes it now.

I've also had EMDR therapy for CPTSD. I now find when I find myself in a stressful situation I'm more able to stay in the present. It's not 100% comfortable (why would it be) but I'm able to take the time I need to decompress after.

Neurodiversity isn't part of standard training for therapists , it's a gap.

Go back to your next session and explain how what she said has impacted you. Have a conversation about it. Tell her you would prefer an ADHD counsellor but you can't afford it. Tell her that that statement made you feel minimised. Please explore this with her. If she is a good therapist she will welcome the conversation with open arms. Don't write her off though, you don't know the intention of what she was saying.

I would tend to think that your therapist's approach is correct, @Toomanyfridgemagnets . Even though it sounds like you aren't the type of person to conspicuously over-rely on your diagnosis, it could still be that it is one of several habitual frameworks that you apply in viewing your life, relationships, challenges etc. In a therapeutic context, all of those narratives can prevent you from really doing the work of therapy - which involves stepping back from generalised self-narratives and really noticing concrete, specific, habitually turned-from aspects of the way in which you think, feel and act.

Mostly, the narratives are acquired in childhood and then buried away from our conscious minds so that we don't really know that we are continuing to apply them, in circumstances where they are not functional.

But we are habituated by those early experiences to crave the comfort and safety of defensive self-narratives. So even as we try to explore them in therapy, we cling to them tighter and build new chapters into the self-narration. In this way, they function as obstacles to really learning about ourselves

I had a couple of years of NHS psychotherapy and I was aware that one of the things I craved was for the therapist to give a name (diagnosis, label, etc) to my mental distress. Somehow I thought that was central to getting better (I suppose by means of an analogy with the treatment of physical illness).

But my therapist resisted this desire on my part and I can understand why. The point, in my therapy was to be able to step aside from generalisations and abstractions so that I could look, in the moment, at the nuances of what was happening in the room - in my mind at that moment.

Labels might be appropriate in other contexts - for example when prescribing medication. But they relate to those contexts and become dysfunctional, confining, escapist, when applied universally as part of a self-definition.

It's not over diagnosed, it's actually under diagnosed. Hence women were ignored for years.

You do whatever you need to op. Your journey is your own. I think I would get a new therapist. Her opinion is not professional. I'd be tempted to report it.

As a person married to someone with ADHD who has been there alongside them for many years, struggles, assessments and episodes of all kinds, I COMPLETELY disagree.

Knowing the reason for a lot of the issues my husband has, has been enormously helpful to both of us to help us understand the why and how of so many things that has happened in his life, and to accept and make peace with them.

For his whole childhood he thought there was something wrong or broken in him, and could never get to grips with why he couldn’t cope with so many things, and why his ability to regulate his emotions was so hard.

Knowing that there was a real and medical diagnosis for what was going on has been very helpful to him in being able to accept and understand himself.

Maybe she thinks some people use it as an excuse? Which I suppose is a possibility, but I'd say it just helps far more people understand themselves.

I've worked out (because many younger family members have been diagnosed with AuDHD) that I have the condition. I'm not bothering to get diagnosed. I've coped with life well without a diagnosis and don't see that having it would help me at all.

However, it does help to explain things, like how I have a peak focus time in the day. I've just adjusted to it and do the things that need me to be able to concentrate then. It's explained why I've got such a bad memory, although I cope with that by writing everything down, or taking photographs of info etc.

Those that I think most need an official diagnosis are school children. Because without it, almost all schools will choose to ignore the SEN aspect and therefore the children won't get the most benefit out of their education.

I’d find another therapist OP, who gets it. I don’t think your therapist does - you are looking for validation of how you feel, and you are not getting it!

(Three generations with ADHD in my family)

What an eloquent description of the power of therapy and the real messy heart of the work. Thanks for the reminder.

I don't go around telling people about my ADHD diagnosis and I don't excuse myself because of it but at the same time isn't it who I am at the end of the day or was the assessment and diagnosis a waste of time?

Just to add to my previous post: To me, @Toomanyfridgemagnets this para in your OP suggests that you do over-value the safety that the diagnosis of ADHD gives you - i,e, that it is part of the defensive self-narrations that I mentioned in my last post.

You say that you "don't excuse [yourself] because of it," and I'm sure that is true. '"Excusing yourself" is a very cruel and harsh way of thinking about your attachment to the diagnosis. There are much more nuanced and self-compassionate ways of thinking about how you use the diagnosis defensively in your own mind. It is almost as if you are parodying the idea of attachment to a diagnosis in order to distance yourself from any accusation of being over-attached .

And you go on to say: Isn't it who I am at the end of the day or was the assessment and diagnosis a waste of time?
No, it isn't 'who you are', any more than having asthma or colour-blindness or an IQ of 120 or 90 or whatever is 'who you are'. It is an aspect of you, which is relevant sometimes. If you were looking to find out 'who you are' then, yes, the assessment and diagnosis were a waste of time - unless they resulted in prescription of medication that has improved your symptoms.

Do you have a clear idea of why you sought diagnosis? I was diagnosed with what the dr described as a borderline or uncertain diagnosis of ADHD about ten years ago. This was an NHS diagnosis and the doc was reluctant to prescribe the amphetamine-type medications that are used to treat it. He prescribed something else, which didn't help. There was no other utility to the diagnosis. I guess I did seek it as part of a craving for defensive self-narration. But I understand now how valueless that is. If I had received a more decisive diagnosis of ADHD, it may even have been harmful to me, given how society now seems to pull us towards defining ourselves by means of such labels.

I agree with this suggestion of what your therapist was trying to communicate. My own experience is around mental health and when I experienced depression, and through working in the sector, I came to understand how important it was for my recovery and future wellbeing to not over-identify with a diagnosis. Seeing myself as a person within an environment and my behaviours, thoughts and feelings as responses to or products of that environment was far more constructive in building resilience for me.

I think it's a question of balance- there are times when things are particularly difficult due to ADHD and your therapist should be aware of that. Equally, not all difficulties experienced by people with ADHD are due to their ADHD- some things are difficult for everyone.

A diagnosis is helpful where it helps you understand yourself better. It becomes limiting where you end up feeling that you've been put in a box and cannot change.

When people tell me it isn’t helpful to label myself, I tell them about all the labels that a kid with undiagnosed ADHD in the 80s and 90s got:

lazy
clown
couldn‘t care less
waste of space
weirdo

I‘d far rather have a label that explains my neurotype than any of the above which did me irreparable damage

I agree with you OP. My life and what I've achieved has been limited by my brain going through periods of just not coping and shutting down. Sometimes, looking back, I could almost feel it short-circuiting when I needed to focus. Although I'm not presently medicated, it's been incredibly useful to have an understanding of why this happens (I'm not just going mad) and strategies to combat it. For me presently, that involves lots of caffeine, exercise and power naps. I've learnt that pushing through is rarely the right answer. I am so much less anxious now I know what causes my brain to operate in the way it does and why I often have so much "fogginess", it makes it so much easier to cope with.