My mum used to read my diary

[OneOpalFinch]

I used to write a lot, but my mum used to read my diary despite promising not to. She’d confront me about things I wrote. I don’t speak to her anymore, but I still feel uncomfortable putting thoughts on paper, years later as an adult. Has anyone else struggled with this and managed to get past it?

My mum seemed to know everything about my personal life in my teens. I could never work it out. I found my teenage diaries in my 30s, read them, and it came to me instantly: my mum used to read my diaries. Oh well. I’m 49 now and I can’t say I’ve spent any time thinking about this since I worked it out. I get on well with my mum, she just has no boundaries and still gets upset if she finds out something about my life that I didn’t report to her the second it happened. A couple of years ago I went on a first date and told her about the person before the second date. She lost her mind about how “secretive” I was being!

Yeah, this happened to me, I found out at 18, felt angry and betrayed for years but now understand she did it out of concern (I was a pretty odd kid) and wanted to understand me. That said, both my dds keep diaries and I have never considered looking at them.

Just re the writing things down issue - it would be a very expensive solution but I keep thinking about getting something like a Remarkable or Kindle Scribe. They are devices that are supposed to be like writing on paper - but the main draw for me is that they can be pin protected so people can't access what you've written, even after your death. The Remarkable is several hundred pounds though - eek - and literally has one function. The Kindle one is also a normal Kindle and I can't remember the cost. I guess there are cheaper things out there too.

Anyway, sorry if I'm way off the mark and you're just looking for people who can relate to your situation with your mother (I can...and my sympathies!) Just thought I'd add this in case it's useful info for anyone.

I could have written your post OP

I had no privacy growing up. My mum and sister routinely searched my bedroom for anything interesting.

As a result I keep every worry in my head, keep things secret and avoid recording anything. I know my sister's on MN (she's actually a regular fantasist on here, which is interesting) so even with anonymity I'm very guarded!

I’m genuinely shocked by this. My son has always kept a journal - I can’t imagine opening it under any circumstances. What a grotesque invasion of privacy.

My father read my diaries. I found out when I was 18. He denied it but I knew he did and it tainted our relationship. It still pops up in head years on. I wasn't a teen causing problems so there was no need to 'check' up on me.

For those sneaking a peep in diaries/on phones - if your child finds out they will never forget what you did. It has a lasting impact.

My mother did this too and would deny it despite refeeencing things in it. So when life started to get a bit more exciting and grown up I’d write utter bullshit to catch her out. She still doesn’t believe in boundaries.
I still keep a journal but it’s never about feelings now only what happened in the day. I find remembering events will trigger memoris
of the feelings at the time. Anyone reading it it must think I’m so dull and emotionless 😂😂

This makes me feel so uncomfortable. I used to go to great lengths to hide my diary as a teenager, and I don't know if they ever found them but I would have felt so awful if they had. My parents fluctuated between overly invested and uninterested though.
I had a friend a while back who was raising her daughter and every day they would read their diaries to each other. I found it really odd and a massive boundary violation. For that and other reasons she isn't in my life anymore.

I think checking a teens phone (16 and under) is totally different from reading a diary. I’d never dream of reading my kids diaries, but the agreement of having a phone (which I pay for) is regular checks. They know I could ask to see their phone and read their messages at anytime, but therein lies the difference; their phone is not private, their diary is.

I never wrote in a diary because my parents were clear that I had no right to privacy. I know 100% my diary would have been read without guilt. Same as not knocking on my door etc. I always got changed very quickly! I never share anything under my own name online as most of my family are the same.

My DC have the opposite. We give privacy where safely possible and are always clear on what we monitor - like DS's chat app with his friends.

I didn’t have a diary, but I know that my DM used to go through my room, through my personal paperwork and through my drawers. This would have been up to the age of 22 when I moved out. I don’t think of it very often, but when I do, it certainly annoys me. I was never in trouble and gave no cause for concern, so there was no need for her to rake through my things. It was just pure nosiness. I only found out because my younger sister told me. I have a 15yo and an 18yo, and I would not dream of going through their personal things.

DM would read mine. I would write good day at school. Done all my homework. I really played truant.

My mum read my diaries, hacked into my msn account and stole my phone for a week (telling me I shouldn't have been so stupid for misplacing it). Obviously she would deny it all but would then reference loads of it. This Christmas, she said she wishes I would open up more but she has always respected my right to privacy unlike how her mother parented. I screamed internally but didn't have the strength to say anything back.

She's mentioned the not opening up a lot and I always think back to my first week at uni 3 hrs from home. My first night out I was spiked within the first 30 minutes. Collapsed and rushed to hospital by ambulance. No hospital staff believed I had been spiked even though I had only had one drink. They just said I was a stupid kid. Got discharged and rang my mum in tears. She laughed down the phone telling me to stop lying and just admit I drank too much. I was so poorly for days. All my muscles gave up and I didn't even have the strength to turn my head. I can't imagine treating your own child like that.

My dad read my diary. He said he closed it over as soon as he realised it was a diary, but I knew he lied (it’s immediately obviously a diary). He also used to stalk my social media sites when I was a teenager (MySpace, bebo) and would get angry about things he read. I learned to make everything private and stopped writing a diary that day.

every time I think of this it bothers me.

The annoying thing is, if I tried to tell my mother anything that was going on in my life or worrying me, she would glaze over/stonewall me or change the subject to her. She only wanted information about me that was gained in an intrusive, sneaky way. This continued into my adulthood where she would contact people behind my back to try and get information on me but wouldn't listen to anything I was telling her. She complained that it was embarrassing if people asked after me and she didn't know anything. She complained that she didn't know what I was doing for work but I had told her quite a few times. Very frustrating.

Yes. She also would go through my room and my stuff looking for things she could “catch me out” on. I wasn’t a naughty kid really so I don’t understand why. I definitely think as an adult it’s made me on edge about privacy. I constantly think that my DH is going to “catch me out” about something and I’ll get in trouble. I hate him going near my wardrobe, desk or drawers for this reason even though I have no secrets from him.

It's no different to checking a phone. Don't kid yourselves.
I barely ever checked phones as I was very negligent but I did once as I suspected something very bad was happening to him. I was right. If he had kept a diary I would have read that too.
If he wants to hate me on the strength of that it's up to him but he'd be a fool.

Im the same- I’ve always wanted to journal but worried that it would be read and used against me

I think my mum probably read mine.
But worse was her discussing me in whispered tones with friends on the phone. Like " How would I know if J takes drugs."

Yes I had this too. I started to write in such code it must of been frustrating for them. But also started to loose its therapeutic point for me.
They also routinely would raid and empty my room. Lord knows what they were trying to find.
I gave up trying to have a life or friends it was too hard. They were always so suspicious of me.
They would stalk any social media I had. Make up rumours about me.
I've gone very low contact. But ofcourse I'm at fault for not "putting effort in" what they really mean is giving them access to my life. There is no love or care there. Just entitlement, control interrogation.

I can not imagine treating my children like that.

I had lots of therapy so I can write a journal now and I don't care who reads it. I've protected myself as much as possible by going low contact. It took a while for that feeling to go though. I occasionally feel pulled back in to the circus of being constantly judged and observed because I'm low contact and not no contact,christmas can be a time of slightlymore contact. It serves as a great reminder of why I pulled back.

But you have an agreement. You are not sneaking on and that's the difference.

We have the same agreement with our teens that we can access their phones if we feel the need. But we don't sneak onto their phones and read conversations without them not knowing.

I think reading phones is also intrusive. Conversations can be private too. I understand why you would want to do it though, but if you think you need to read it then maybe they shouldn’t have one in the first place.

Oh believe me Finch, I have a billion things I would rather do than go through messages on teenage angst! But I also have a duty of care to make sure my teens aren’t talking to randoms online. Saying they shouldn’t have a phone, just isn’t realistic, they have class work set online, they also keep in contact with their friends and arrange meet ups with their phones. They have very limited social media, and our firewall is on a very high setting, but if I banned a phone, they would be social outcasts at school!
I have temporarily banned Roblox, as a parent, I just feel it doesn’t have enough safe guards on it. Moreover you can tell your teens not to talk to people they don’t know, until you are blue in your face, but they just don’t understand the dangers and think as a parent you’re just being an arse who is deliberately ‘ruining my life’ followed up with an eye roll, sigh and hair flick and the all important flounce!
Again though, the phone is technically mine (it’s why I made sure the phone wasn’t a birthday or Christmas gift), they both know that when I do a spot check they have two choices 1) hand the phone over OR 2) no phone! Strangely enough they go for the former, and to be honest if they decide as adults I’m a pile of poo that they go NC with, fair enough I’ll own it and leave them to their own devices, I’m not here to be their mate, I’m here to guide them, support them when the shit hits the fan, to pick them up, brush them off and set them on their feet again, until they are 18. Once they are 18 they are free to go where they want, do what they want, make stupid or sound decisions. If they want to stay with me after 18 they are very welcome, but under my rules, or they can go on their merry way!
again I would never read their diary, in fact I never go into their rooms without knocking first, and if they are away with friends or on various camps, they know to leave their rooms tidy or I will go in, not because I’m nosey, but because I don’t want mice moving in, or clutter posing a fire risk.
Maybe I’m lucky in that both my teens come and off load on me anyway, so I have no need to ‘be nosey’, but talking to people online is very different, as you have the ‘poison whisperings’ dripping into young, impressionable, kids, so then it’s a very different dynamic (think how easy it is for adults to fall for snakebites, teens are an even easier target).

I didn't keep a diary as a teenager,but I know that my DM used to rifle through my room when I was at school or college. A few months after my 18th birthday,she confronted me about being on the pill. The only way she could have known would be because she'd looked under the mattress on my bed. She vehemently denied this,saying that she'd 'found' one of the tablets on the bathroom floor,which I knew was bullshit because I never took them in the bathroom. She then went on to say I should have asked her permission to start taking it! FFS! I was an adult!