Please Help! My 6 year old's behaviour has taken a dramatic turn....

[Sophieishilarious]

First time poster. Looking for genuine advice from any parents who have encountered a similar situation please....
As title states, our 6 year old DS's behaviour has effectively changed, overnight in a dramatically shocking way. Background and history - at school he is a bright and happy boy seems to love it and meeting expectations for his age so all good there. BUT his behaviour has been flagged to us by teachers in recent times for distracting people at school and sometimes arguing in the playground (poss emotional dysregulation). We had noticed this a little bit at home - but it was nothing beyond what we believed you would expect of a 6 year old boy. Also background, 8 months ago we welcomed a new sibling into the family, making him a big brother.
Cut to these current Christmas holidays. In the last two weeks DS has become a COMPLETELY different child, behaviour wise and mood wise. He can be totally normal and articulate, engaged and happy one minute, then the next minute with no real trigger to speak of, he flips and has a major mood swing that involves hitting us, screaming in our faces, digging his nails in until we bleed and spitting in our faces, saying he hates us and damaging things in the house purposefully - this is all elevated behaviour, something we have not seen from him on this scale ever before. These situations last anything from 5 minutes up to 90 minutes and it can take ages for him to calm down. To give some examples in just the last week alone : Daddy was tidying up the kitchen and put Christmas present money in an envelope that was his, so it didn't get lost....he hated the fact his money was touched and threw keys at Dad's head. Yesterday, he lost the soap in the bath and got so angry about it that he poured water out of the bath, threw it up the walls and flooded the place until everything was dripping, it was unreal. Tonight I don't know what the trigger was at all, but he was furious after dinner and basically hit me at bath time, purposefully wee'd on the floor instead of the toilet, screamed and spat in my face then proceeded to trash his bedroom - took about 1 hour to calm down. After all these instances, he will eventually calm down and say with remorse 'I'm really sorry Mummy that I hit you...and I threw X at you' etc so he seems to sit with it for a while, then apologise. After he's calm, he riverts bac to his normal happy self and you would never now anything bad has happened. Best way I can describe it is...a real Jeyll and Hyde moment.
What am I asking for? I am wondering if you have encountered similar behaviour, which feels like it has come out of the blue. I can't stress the out of the blue bit enough. He's SO incredibly hard to manage right now and I'm really worried about returning to school as he has become so different in these holidays. I keep racking my brains as to what this SUDDEN CHANGE could be... could it new sibling related? could it be ODD? We are currently in the early stages of investigating with a doctor to see if he has ADHD due to school concerns, but his behaviour has changed so dramatically since we saw the doctor about poss ADHD (only 5 weeks ago) this new behaviour feels like more of an immediate issue. He is being violent towards us but not his baby sibling at this point. He is not self harming but keeps saying we don't like him, which is new. We are a really loving family so this language is also a shock and makes me really sad. We've tried punishment, ie. 'don't throw that please else I wont take you X' and followed that through which cues more anger. We've warned and said we will have to remove favourite toy and done that....we've also shouted. We've also tried the calm approach, none of these work. He is the only one who can calm himself down when he is ready. We really need to get his behaviour under control immediately and get to the route of the issue. Is this behaviour familiar to anyone?

Would appreciate any helpful thoughts...... Thank you!

Bump

I am not an expert. But yes this is familiar . DD1 was like this at this age, she has a neuro condition which affects her emotional regulation and also makes her more tired.

I wonder if this is the combined effect of DS having some kind of neurodiversity (maybe ADHD, maybe something else) plus school getting harder and more rigid (much less play based) plus new baby sibling (lots of impacts on him) plus winter term is exhausting anyway. He just can’t hold it in any more and it’s come out at home. Coke bottle effect.

Consequences, bribes, reward charts etc will not work as he is not able to make any kind of decision about his behaviour “in the moment”. What helps is watch him carefully and avoid getting to that switch flipping moment in the first place. Tiredness, hunger, a cold coming on, perceived criticism or too many demands at once, these are things that will make his switch flip. So try to avoid those. And if he does flip, don’t lay in with consequences or telling off - that just restarts the cycle. He needs to calm himself down as you say, so make sure he is safe, delicate items are removed (we did have a few rage breakages but thankfully mostly things like pencils) and stay quiet. Easier said than done I know!! Then you can have a conversation about it another time, when he is calm - but make it a “ok here’s what you should do instead when you feel like that” rather than “omg that was awful”. In DD’s case things got a lot better as she got older although she’s still a lot more volatile than the average!

Also early nights, plenty of food incl (healthy) snacks between meals. DD could cope with something going wrong/being told to do something , or being hungry, or tired but she absolutely couldn’t cope with 2 out of those at once.

How’s his sleep?

Things to consider - hearing, sight, could he be being bullied or abused, autism. Does he have enough down time in a normal week?Maybe consider play therapy.

The Explosive Child and How to Talk so kids will listen (and listen so they will talk) are both books that have helped me.

I think it is pretty frustrating being 6. Even the most articulate 6 year old still has a lot of growing up to do, a lot more social skills and levels of understanding to acquire. He may or may not have more insight into it than you do.

Keep making time to do things with him one on one, build little calm rituals and routines that leave time for open ended play and "comfort silence".

My son was diagnosed with autism at 8. As we have come to learn more about autism and his profile a lot of things clicked into place, and we went from feeling he was very unpredictable to being able to see triggers coming and head them off. In hindsight a lot of the worst days traced back to sensory experiences (crowds, coats with the wrong texture etc) and undetected illnesses, none of which he was even aware of himself at the time. I think he once had chronic tonsillitis for weeks before I realised there was anything really the matter.

Apart from the possible big stuff, don't rule out direct causes if it's all that sudden. One of ours has been really hard work over Christmas and today suddenly dropped with a very painful ear infection.

Every time we get really worried about a sudden behaviour change it feels like we then learn something was brewing.

What’s happening at home whilst on holidays? My son’s behavior deteriorated over the summer holidays because he was watching youtube shorts constantly and playing Roblox, hopping from game to game. It was ruining him basically making him a miserable and unhappy child with no attention span so we deleted both apps and he improved in all manner of ways.

Thank you so much to all four of you for relaying first of all - I realise that was a mega essay and really appreciate all your thoughts on this. Bare with me another long reply coming….🫠

He has always slept well however since the clocks went back his sleep has been effected in that bedtimes have taken far longer than before and he’s not sleeping quite as long. During term time he nods off so quickly but since clock change and Christmas hols everything takes ages and 95% of the time will wonder into our room in the night wanting to sleep with us.

trauma wise - he hasnt experienced anything
negative. BUT….he goes to a boys school that is very rigid and unrelenting - the boys are all pretty boisterous and I know he can get upset pretty easily during play if things go his way or he thinks someone has been unkind to him…

I find it hard to know whether its his poss emotional dysregulation, coupled with his overly strict school is exacerbating it - makes me wonder if he we should pull him out… they are very ‘on him’ and us at the moment and he is very aware of that. Which in itself makes me very sad (and angry) as theres a real lack of pastoral care at the school, who of course like to bang the drum that they do care. (It has become more and more obvious to me they only want tota and I mean total compliance and its less of the supportive nature I thought it was.) so this could be a major factor too?

He can get upset if he is criticised so at the moment I’m careful with my language to him as I can see what may sometimes potentially upset.

He’s been tricky before at nursery… if someone upset he would bop them on the head, push them over which we have always worried about. I really think about this… his behaviour has started to kick off ever since we sat in the doctor’s office (re poss ADHD disgnosis nearly 6 weeks ago.) to talk about him so candidly in the room in his direct ear shot felt very mean and he was certainly understanding what was being talked about - I felt awful and awkward about it l. It feels like a self fufilling prophecy in that you say something is an issue… so it suddenly becomes an issue.

hugely appreciate those book recommendations and ways to navigate with techniques above and trying to head things off at the pass - all brilliant thoughts thank you, I shall try and implement these! Shall also watch he see if he comes down with anything.

Re hearing and sight… great idea too.In the last two weeks I have noticed he often double blinks like something is in his eyes… I’m going to get his eyes tested.

trying to stay positive and this feels like a big uphill climb at the moment…..!

sorry for essay (again, lol!) but there is so much to say and your comments have genuinely helped me, very grateful to read!

I haven’t done a proper check of all the symptoms so I may be way off, but have you looked at PANDAS to see if it fits any of what you say is going on with your child? Mainly because it is something that affects behaviours and does appear completely suddenly. It happened to a friends child and it was very sudden with dramatic behaviour shifts. She’s doing much better now.

https://www.rcn.org.uk/news-and-events/Blogs/pans-pandas-a-mysterious-and-debilitating-paediatric-disorder-180523#:~:text=PANS%20and%20PANDAS%20are%20thought%20to%20be,and%20a%20wide%20range%20of%20neuropsychiatric%20symptoms.

https://panspandasuk.org/real-life-stories/

It does sound like the school has unrealistic expectations for 6 year old boys. And agree the negative commentary from school plus dr meeting won’t be helping. Try lots of positive praise - “catch him being good” - and see if that helps. I would consider a change of school yes.

Hopefully sleep will improve once back at school. If not, you could consider trying melatonin - although this is controversial as it’s not OTC in the UK and you’d need to order from abroad. Might just need a week of it to reset his bedtime. Won’t help with the nighttime wandering though unless that is due to overtiredness.

Is he watching anything weird on YouTube or access to a tablet or phone? We stopped DS from watching certain things that were influencing his mood. He doesn’t have a tablet. Maybe harder to supervise that sort of thing, with the new baby?

My boy is 5, going through similar mood flips. Worse since school started, I think he’s trying to process a lot of new information. The school has been great with dialogue about it.

just quickly with the double blinks, that could alternatively be a visual stim. Eye test is the right way forward anyway, but just another option to consider. Stims, like behaviour, can be a barometer of underlying distress.

Big decision on the school. It sounds quite a confusing and socially demanding environment if it is both boisterous and strict.

I thought the most obvious thing was his new sibling? It can be a huge adjustment for children, especially if he’s had you all to himself for 6 years. That coupled with overhearing the drs appointment.. and being 6 is a funny old time, as they feel grown up or bigger and expectations of them become a bit much, but are still very young. Sometimes they articulate their feelings of jealousy, resentment as rage or actions getting it all out in a physical way. Lots of reassurance, good boundaries and one to one time should help.

Thank you for more replies. I'm really thinking about everything I read.

Interesting you mention a visual stim - had not thought of this. Thank you will do the eye test.

Absolutely big decision regarding school. If I had known they were not 'all for the individual' and very hard on the boys with ZERO leniency there is absolutely no way we would have sent him there. They are not shy in 'managing boys out' either as numerous boys have left in the last 12 months - I'm so frustrated about it all - they have made him feel crap recently I'm sure of it. Whatever is best for him is the way forward and if the school isn't the right fit, we will do what we have to do. Totally unacceptable for any school to make a child feel like I think he does!

He sounds like a young lad I know. Fine, if somewhat manipulative towards others, at school but at home is violent and hard to manage. In his case it seems to be PDA/ODD, as he is fine as long as nobody challenges him in any way, but as soon as something goes against what he has decided.

Is there any chance that your DS has an idea of how things 'ought' to be and he loses control when that idea is contradicted?

Yes, thank you, I'd read about PDA and ODD actually.

What I've noticed watching like a hawk, this week is a trigger can simply to a 'no' ...don't....'etc etc' so I'm having to tread extremely carefully with my language in order to not trigger a flip out. (I cant write the letter 'cay' on this website, odd!) I'm ceeping a diary of daily incidents now which helps get a picture of how things are currently.

Sorry another question to all....when speaking to the doctor for a potential ADHD diagnosis (only at first stop for this) when we asked what is the way forward if he does indeed have ADHD the doctor was very quick to say medication first and foremost... I was very surprised there weren't in his opinion, other earlier stages to try before this.

Please can anyone tell me if they have tried medication with their young child? Quite scary to read about at first re side effects of meds but the more our situation escalates at home, the more I am thinking we may need to consider it.

Thank you again.

Can I ask: when you say ‘welcomed a new sibling’, do you mean you had a baby, or do you mean you’ve adopted a child?

Medication was the only thing keeping DS in school! It was a total game changer. We were obviously v hesitant, but after multiple exclusions we had nothing left to try…and it works fantastically for him. He’s in all top set at High School now.

@eddoo yes I mean I had another DC, so he's a big brother now
@raffles25 oh thank you for sharing this. Fantastic to read that and well done to you and him! Sounds like your DS is making waves in the best possible way!

Thanks! I’m so proud of him. Worth remembering you don’t need to give the medication every day if you don’t want to. DS only has it on school days. Never weekends or holidays

Is he at a private school? If he has any sort of behavioural issues, I would go for a state school. Most state schools will have plenty of experience and resources to help. In private schools you often have to pay on top for anything they deem necessary, and some schools will give up very quickly.

As a short term measure I would suggest sensory support - check out the book The Out of Synch Child.

This was the first thing that came to my mind too. My son is ASD/PDA so I’ve read about PANDAS quite a bit (in hope I think!) and it’s the sudden shift that made me think of it.

Was it an assessment of just go appt?
as go appt you probably didnt need to bring him (or maybe could have taken him out. ) likewise if he is sensitive probably best not to have him in for all an assessment either only some bits do they need to ask the kid.

i had wondered myself if it was the gp appt when you described that.
our 13yo did deteriorate somewhat from the assessment appts. Its hard to hear. Pus for her also asd so talking to people.

ODD i think would not present like this. Mine is very oppositional and demand avoidant and it has been a theme from very young.
However we did have the same with hitting kids on the head if they were mean to her..
(though that was copied from another kid and since has never stopped..!)
His current behaviour is also very like my dd was generally probably till around 6. (She had a sibling from 3).
But issues were probably exacerbated by the sibling, illnesses, school (which were crap with adhd kids).

So has he been ill as could be pans/pandas

As a sibling starts to get mobile they are then touching older kids stuff more…

Does he have any asd signs-
late speech, rigid behaviour or routines, sensory issues, stims?

Does he do clubs and is he ok there?

@raffles25 thanks so much, had heard this.
@Arran2024 yes he is. I have friends who wor in education in both state and independent - there can be help in both I thin and its very dependent on the school and child. However saying that, I am aware the school has not helped a number of boys already and they have left...something I realise you can't do in state. I thin they have had a major lac of care with some boys which is quite franly, appalling. I am currently questioning their 'duty of care' it is a current ongoing discussion we are woring through atm....

I'll be honest....

I'd be looking hard at whether the school is right (it doesnt sound it) before pursuing an adhd /autism label...

I'd check for physical issues but the school sounds... oppressive?

Good luck it sounds reallllly hard.
(I'd be losing my shit if my oldest was doing this...!!!!)