Grown up kids

[Forestrunner]

when Is the age that kids should move out?

I love having mine at home mostly.. but they are in their mid twenties (plus daughters boyfriend) and we are all really starting to rub up the wrong way.

all sharing a kitchen as kids want to cook their own meals, all juggling washing machine as they do their own washing (taught them to be independent and it’s biting me on the butt).. and this morning my partner and I got a mouthful from them as some of our friends popped round and were chatting in the kitchen which woke the kids up (at half nine) culminating in a huge row!

I feel like I am walking on eggshells trying not to upset them in my own house..

is this normal???

the kids want to move, but want to buy which they can’t afford and I can’t afford to help them with it at the moment … and they can’t afford to /don’t want to rent.

aaargh

I have no advice to offer but I do share your pain. It’s a real struggle but I live in the hope that allowing them to stay at home means they can be saving up to try to buy. I can’t make them rent or they would never be able to save enough. It is really difficult and definitely does have a detrimental effect on the relationship. I find I get on far better with the adult child who no longer lives with me. I hope your situation improves soon. May 2026 be the year they make the leap!

They are living in your house and you feel uncomfortable? time to remind them it is not a flat share.

Why are you all cooking different meals at different times? it is a family home not a flat share.

Juggling a washing machine is normal, i hope you are all doing full loads? make a rota, or send them to the laundrette.

They want to move, that is good. But if they can't afford to buy they need to flat/house share, or stay with you and not treat the place like a flat share. It is your home.

ETA. are they contributing to bills? They should be doing that (even if you are then keeping that money to give them to help them move out)

Frig that OP feeling uncomfortable in your own house. Time to call a team meeting. A few suggestions

1. Could you not meal plan do a rota for cooking - you don’t have to be the Walton’s and all sit together but if someone one is late they could just reheat a plate.
2. They can absolutely bog off in relation to you having your friends round for a coffee. Not on and not unacceptable to be spoken to like that
3. Washing - rota and everyone’s white/darks and colours can go in together.

Good luck

this morning my partner and I got a mouthful from them as some of our friends popped round and were chatting in the kitchen which woke the kids up (at half nine) culminating in a huge row!

gosh missed this bit.

Get friends round for breakfast at 7:30. Every day. Anyone who complains can leave.

@Brefugee exactly! That’s how it feels. Have tried to talk to them about how it is ‘our house our rules, and their home as long as they need it.., but apparently rules don’t apply to them as it’s their house too.

and not really to contributing.. I asked them to ( so I could put some away for them - which I do anyway).. but they argued that I shouldn’t have had kids if I was going to charge them. They contribute £100 per month which is better than nothing.

dinner time- my son eats three different evening meals at different times (only small ones) and my daughter and her boyfriend cook for themselves when they feel like it. I would love to do family meal.. but they either don’t fancy that or have plans meaning they come in whenever they feel like it/

it really does feel like they are ruling the roost and it’s getting me down.. but I feel wrong moaning as I know how lucky I am to still have my kids. Just so scared our relationship will break under all this strain .

They move out when sharing the space becomes difficult and probably encourages them to do so.

DD is here about 3/4 nights a week; her boyfriend often 1 to 2. He has his own flat with his brother. DD's 26

DS and DIL, when they were in the UK, probably five to six nights a month.

I'd happily have them all here more but that comes from privilege because the house is spacious.

My dd 18 has just moved back home after splitting up with her boyfriend and its hell im hoping she will move out soon. I think by early 20s they should at least be planning and saving to move out.

I feel your pain OP having had an early 20s DS at home for 16 months until recently. It’s really difficult with cooking / cleaning / laundry / socialising as the DC want to do their own thing / have very different standards of cleanliness/ like very different foods / are spontaneous. And my kitchen is tiny. I have warned DS that if he comes home for a stretch again it will be different, but putting that into place and maintaining the good relationship I want to continue having with him would be hard. Not sure I have answers at all, and there are good suggestions on the thread too. The whole financial angle is also so hard. I will retire at some point, at the moment I simply feel this isn’t up for consideration, as I remain responsible for a lot of the DCs every day running costs. I know this is a problem of my own making but I find this hard. Think driving insurance (we are very rural, there is no public transport), contact lenses, gym membership, dentist, the odd taxi or me driving them about, let alone the cost of food and expensive electronic devices. I suspect I may solve this by significantly downsizing and retiring to a non rural location at the same time in 3-4 years time. I feel I have to leave it that long as I need to offer the youngest the same as her older sibling.

they sound unbearable.

Give them a date, say 31st January- to have either moved out or upped their game.

For sure they didn't ask to be born, but they wouldn't get away with this behaviour in a house share, and they shouldn't get away with it at your home.

They are treating it like a house share, so these are the rules (taken from a combination of my own teenage years house share, and my DCs house share now)
First step: they use the laundrette to wash and dry their clothes.
2nd step: they get use of kitchen from x time to y time morning, and x time to y time evening,
3rd step: one shelf in the fridge and half a drawer in the freezer. No guests unless agreed by everyone in the house
4th: shared areas have a rota for cleaning. You can swap but you are responsible for your days. No personal items apart from coats and shoes in shared areas.
5th: everyone contributes to costs. There is no pro-rata according to income, the costs are the costs. Can't afford them, off you go.

If they don't like it, off they go.

Once you have involved adult children's partners on the mix it is time for them to leave home.

I always think that by 25 ‘kids’ need to grow up and move out. I think they need to establish their own life and parents also need to be able to enjoy their own home and privacy again.

If they’re paying you £100 a month, if that, then they’re taking the absolute piss. And if they want to live with partners then they need to find their own place to do that. So they want to buy a home? Well so do most people and to do that we prioritise saving up over other extravagances. I was late 30s by the time we bought a place, having rented since I was early twenties. That is just life. They need to look for somewhere to rent. They could all go in together on a 2 bed place to save some money if they want.

And there is no way I would put up with them dictating whether or not I could have friends round. It might be their home because they currently live there, but it is your house and not theirs and you can do what you like in it, not the other way around.

Have they ever lived away eg uni?

I appreciate it’s really hard for younger people to save & rent but think it’s fine for them to do it for a bit. It’s a good lesson and will make them more appreciative. Plus £100 is a crap amount.

My dc will get house deposits but they can rent initially to grow up.

I wouldn't be having boyfriends and girlfriends living in my house, and like fuck would I put up with anyone in my house having a go because I had friends over and were talking to them.
Op, stop being so scared of them, they are all taking thr absolute piss. They need a big wake up, why can't they look for shared rooms? They're old enough and annoying enough to stand on their own feet from now.

They can rent a room in a house share, that's totally doable on an average wage. Everyone would like to be able to buy, it's not always the way things turn out. My ds knew that he wouldn't be able to do that, so he rented a room from someone closer to his work place and saved anything left over. Bills were included in the monthly rent and he could have claimed local housing allowance if on a low income. Your adult children don't get to dictate how you live your life and if it's causing arguments then they are getting too comfortable with the current arrangements. Have a look at spare room to ascertain what is a fair rent for your area and if they're not going to moving on in the next 6 months then that's what you notify them you'll be charging going forward.

They are taking the absolute piss out of you. I would read the riot act, and insist they're gone by the beginning of February - they want to carry on like that, they can do it in a house share. I doubt £25/week even covers the cost of them being there. I hope that doesn't include food as well. Time for some tough love I'm afraid.

I must admit, I have less sympathy for you if they are paying £100 per month. I find it frustrating as now they are adult I would like to live with my partner but I want my kid to have a home with me until they are ready to leave. However, the arrangement has always been a percentage of their take home pay. I do not need anywhere near that to cover the costs of another adult so I put approx £400 per month of it into a secret saving account and have several thousand saved for when they are ready to live independently. They also do their own washing, cooking, etc and take their turn with housework. I wouldn’t be having them treat it like a hotel on 100 quid a month!!

Hopefully by 30 or my DH and are moving, I wouldn’t let partners move in or stay over much if at all.
My DC are 25 and 27 and pay us £250 each per month and the deal is they have to save, save, save.