How did you get over..

[Zerodarkforty]

A breakup where you still love and miss the person but know it isn’t working?

The first six months were a dream. Felt like soul mates and he treated me like a queen. After a long time single it was what I’d always wanted. No games, just consistent kind behaviour.

Then the disagreements and defensiveness started which resulted in personal attacks and character assassinations. He couldn’t see this. Over time it’s eroded my self esteem and how I view myself.

I ended things and have gone no contact but he’s reaching out. I miss him and don’t want him to be in pain.

I kept really really busy. Did new things, exercised, joined a gym, met new people, did courses, volunteered for a charity I really believe in, decorated my house, spent lots of time doing things I wanted, seeing friends and treating myself really well.

You deserve better than a relationship of disagreements, defensiveness, personal attacks and character assassinations. You have already seen this is what you get with him. It is all you will ever get with him.

Build your self esteem back. Treat yourself better than he would or will ever treat you.

Well done for getting away from him. Stay away. In a year's time you will wonder how you ever tolerated him.

Also, even the worst arsehole can act kind, decent and treat you for a queen for a few months to get you on the hook. They can't keep it up though. The real him was the one after the first good months. Remember that him, not the first months him.

Thank you. I do have lots of house projects I need to crack on with! Wish the constant ruminating would stop though so I could get myself in gear.

Every day, allow yourself ruminating time. Sit down and set a timer for 10 minutes. Allow your mind to go over it, cry, have a shout, do whatever you need to do.

Then, when the timer goes off get up, give yourself a shake and do something amazing. Go for a walk, put on some dance music and bounce around, get a coffee, phone a mate, write a plan for the day and get stuck in. If you mind starts to ruminate STOP IT. Actually say, "No, I've done that for today. I am not going to think about this until tomorrow's ruminating time."

This sounds mad but it really works.

Thank you. I’m at the feeling so much guilt and shame phase. So fun!

Why are you feeling guilty? It takes two people to make a relationship work, and by your account he behaved remarkably badly towards you over a sustained period of time. You made the best decision for your own peace of mind.

If he's 'in pain', it's as a consequence of his own actions. You can't fix that for him, and you shouldn't try. Find your anger at his impertinence in trying to contact you, and don't dream of responding.

Why do you feel guilt and shame? You ended a relationship that had turned sour.
And rightly so.
He's probably getting back in touch to either salve his ego or string you along until he decides to dump you.
Don't give up the power you have to be happy, by handing over the power to someone who treated you badly.

I just have a lot of empathy and the spears on I love most in the world is hurting and I wish I could fix it. I know we can’t get back together but I miss him terribly and just keep going over all the good times. I’ve lost my best friend and support system. I still don’t believe he’s a bad person. I just think he didn’t know how to communicate during conflict.