Explaining online safeguarding to preteens

[Atefartoomuch]

DD 12 has a phone as we considered it was necessary now she is at secondary school. We realised she has been chatting online to friends of friends who she does not know "in the real world". We have tried to explain our concerns, but it has fallen on deaf ears. We removed the phone for a few days, upgraded the restrictions and parental controls and returned it only when she accepted the "no gadgets upstairs" rule.

How do you explain to preteens how to keep themselves safe online?
I want DD to understand the issues rather than just find ways to work around our restrictions.
She says the topic has not been discussed at school.

The topic will have been discussed. Ask the school.

The NSPCC has good advice on this on their website

I don’t believe it hasn’t been done at school if you’re in England. I work in a reception class and it’s touched upon there!

I agree with previous posters on talking to school and looking at NSPCC. If she is unwilling to listen to the advice and follow sensible rules then I would change her phone to a non smart phone.

To a certain extent, you can’t explain. They don’t have the understanding. You can only put rules in place and adhere to them. That needs to include friends sleeping over, too.

You can explain until you are blue in the face but, in the end, it comes down to “this is the routine”. For us, it got so all devices went into a box (that had holes drilled into it for charging cords) and I took the key to bed with me every night. At about 15 1/2, mademoiselle started self regulating over the holidays so we relaxed.

https://www.esafety.gov.au

We just told our tween that there are vile old men out there who spend their time trying to lure young girls for sexual exploitation. So when you are talking to your new bestie about Taylor swift then assume it's dirty Nigel, 55. We've also talked a lot about the permanency of messages and internet content, how friends can screenshot bitchy messages and blow up your life and how people's careers have been ruined by what they write online/in messages, that she shouldn't share photos or be in others photos because then they have ownership and deep fake you. But I agree that you explain everything clearly but they won't truly take it in.

As a result.my tween has a phone for getting to school but it's locked down apart from 2 hours either side of school, she has timed use of any app (15 mins max), she cannot send photos on any app and she can't add contacts etc. We monitor all chats and check in every few days to see it's all normal tween stuff.

There is also the physical side of the phone. I watched her friends walking across a busy road phone in face, just stepped out into traffic. A girl here was killed because she was wearing headphones and stepped out. So we've said no headphones and we have tried to drum it into her not to walk and text.

It absolutely has been discussed at school but ours are a bit blase even in y8/9 - ‘not again, we know this!’ us:’then why are we still having issues with you all?’

set rules in place, give the reasons but those are the rules. Relevant consequences (removal of phone) but calm response (see below)

make sure she’s also comfortable with screenshot block and report, and will come to you if there’s a problem - it’s a really delicate balance of enforcement and accepting some things will slip through, she’s not ‘in trouble’ in some terrible way and that you’ll always listen before flying off the handle

get her to understand/read about the dopamine and anxiety effects of mobiles and model good behaviour

it’s really hard and I don’t look forward to this age!