Therapy doesn't always "fix" people

[ArwenUndomniel]

I've seen a lot of threads on here where the OP is advised to "get therapy" to address psychological issues and work on their self-esteem. While it's not terrible advice, I sometimes do wonder if the people recommending therapy have ever had any and what they think actually happens during a session.

I'm coming at this from the perspective of someone who has had a lot of therapy of different types with different therapists. After many years, I've found it's great for understanding why you have particular thinking patterns and recognising unhelpful behaviours, but in terms of actually changing those things it's pretty useless, if I'm being honest. I feel like I know myself and my motivations very well at this stage in my life, but I still find it impossible to override the negative thoughts (even when I know they're irrational) and I still don't really like myself. According to some ways of thinking, that means I can't ever have a meaningful relationship because you have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you.

I accept that others' experience may vary and I'm genuinely interested to know if anyone has successfully found a way of making therapy "work" in a practical sense. Not just getting to the bottom of your issues but addressing them and making real mindset changes.

Isn’t part of therapy getting the skills to be able to change the narrative of those negative thoughts and consequences?

Therapy doesn’t fix people, no. And anyone going into it with that expectation is probably going to struggle.

But a good therapist should help someone to utilise the tools and resources they have and can develop to work on the stuff they are carrying around with them, so that they can possibly start to set some of it down.

Therapy definitely didn’t fix me. I did that myself in the years after therapy ended. But it did give me an opportunity to say things out loud for the first time ever and have someone validate and question them. It meant I saw certain situations completely differently. It was like I took all the puzzle pieces apart and could start to put them together in a different way, and then it all suddenly made sense. Once all the bits went back together in a way that made sense I could start moving forward with my life, thinking of things differently, doing things differently.

My life is completely different to what it was before I had therapy. Most of that change occurred because of therapy though (in the 6 years after), not during therapy itself. It isn’t just a passive process where you present yourself for fixing at £60 per hour. You have to make the changes yourself. I would recommend it to anyone.

That said, not all therapists are good and not all therapeutic approaches are right for any one person.

I feel the same having had tons of different therapies over decades- I have great insight but I’m still doing the same things ! X

There are many different types of therapy, the current fashion is about understanding yourself and your patterns, processing why you feel that way, coming up with ways to relate more positively to yourself, etc.

Other therapies might diagnose an issue and tell you how best to frame it, to think and to behave.

There are some things you simply cannot get over. I briefly worked with women and girls in Sudan and we were very much focused on helping them have a voice, figure out how to cope and try to forget.

Some people get stuck in rumination without resolution, often asking the world to change to accomodate them. I have developed the opinion that it is generally best to learn any lessons possible then try not to think about it. (I am no longer a therapist!)

I think it's a load of nonsense

After a triggering incident my DH became consumed with acute anxiety that resulted from buried childhood issues.

He had one on one therapy which helped him admit and tackle some issues from childhood that he had buried because as a child he had felt so helpless. The opportunity, just to talk in an open way, with someone uninvolved and judgemental really worked for him. His wonderful therapist gave him tools and skills to deal with the pain and to forgive - something he had never thought possible. She said, 'Somehow, somewhere within yourself you just have to find it possible to forgive" He genuinely did this. I admire him so much. It changed his life, he moved on, he is such a different, content, confident, happy person now. Therapy burst the bubble.

Secondly he had group therapy for the anxiety. The thing that most helped him there was the group - knowing that other lovely, decent folk from all walks of life suffered as well was a turning point for him. He no longer felt alone/a failure/less than others. Again, it was transformative.

Maybe for you it might be, but everyone is different and bereavement counselling certainly helped me.

It’s not meant to be about “fixing you” surely? I thought it was about helping you develop some understanding of your issues so that you can come to terms with them, and maybe change some unhelpful habits?

I don’t know how anyone can do years of therapy and not change?
are you measuring that badly because you’re just seeing that toure not ‘fixed’ - it’s not supposed to fix you, view it more like tweaking and helping you improve things that aren’t working for you.
or do you mean you’ve genuinely not changed at all after years of therapy? In that case I’d say you either have the wrong therapist, the wrong sort of therapy or you’re not trying very hard.

Yes. It was pointless apart from a few skills to stop arguments. It really is just like talking to a friend who says how does that make you feel and what do you want to do about that

I vaguely suspect therapy of being part of what is making people feel so alienated and lonely -- people talk to this paid stranger instead of sharing their most difficult and complex emotions with their friends and family. They start to believe they're the only one with such challenges. They lose the intense "brotherhood" of struggling together. Suffering and struggle is such a core part of the human experience.

It's probably useful for something - I'm not saying it's pointless - but I do think there probably are also some downsides.

People get incredibly, intensely angry when you question therapy, though (probably even this observation will provoke some anger, sorry!), so in real life I say nothing.

Therapy definitely changed my life for the good after a bomb exploded in my world , in fact it’s the best thing I ever did. It helped me build confidence , see patterns in my life I had learned that we’re holding me back and helped me be strong enough to start my life ( and my children’s ) afresh . It took a couple of therapists ( I knew I wanted a therapist to take me forward and sought that) . Antidepressants never helped me . I needed to recover with the help off a therapist alongside which is utterly the best thing I’ve ever done . The most important thing is to get the right therapist and don’t try to rush it through

It’s not a very popular view but I think most people can achieve what can be achieved in therapy with just self awareness. It’s also cheaper.

I’ve never thought of or heard anyone say they think of therapy as a way of fixing anyone. For it to have benefits, you have to find someone who you trust and actually fully engage. I’ve known people get stuck with a therapist they don’t like or they’re not really ready for therapy, then they don’t fully engage and announce ‘therapy doesn’t work’. I found therapy to be life changing when I was dealing with some issues in my 20s. I still have therapy sessions now 20 years later because although I don’t consider myself broke to need fixing, dealing with past trauma and living a good life in the present in ongoing for me.

If you have suffered trauma in your life often it is so buried that any amount of self awareness cannot help.

Often that trauma saps confidence, self belief, self awareness. People who have suffered abuse or neglect might not have the skills necessary or might have had them drummed out of them.

Most of us can probably muddle through and get out the other side of problems.
It is hit and miss and possibly takes a long time. We still don't know what we don't know.

Why take a decade to get there (or part way there on your own) when a few sessions of therapy can move you on years to a point you never imagined possible.

I have an aunt who thinks therapy is a waste of time, that bucking up and not wearing your heart on your sleeve is the right way. When her mother died she utterly fell apart, has never recovered and is now an angry ball of sadness. She thinks she' strong. It's sad to watch her struggle.

I had many years of therapy, it helped me to completely change my life. I'm no longer anorexic, I haven't self harmed in 15 years, I left an abusive ex, I have sex with my fabulous husband, I like the person I've become (95% of the time). I just started a new career...all possible because of the wonderful (and even the not so wonderful) therapists I have had.

Family was too oppressive for me to open up and I found making friends hard. I think the real shame is that most therapy is used as a catch all, CBT is not a cure all. It works in very specific group of people with specific needs and a time limited approach of 6 or 8 weeks, is just not enough.

I've never had therapy but have seen what it can do for others.

In my opinion the world would be a better place and people would be much more able to cope with life constructively if everyone had a few sessions of therapy in their early thirties. You could tackle the stuff that's holding you back and free yourself up to realise your full potential in the second part of your life.

I think given how many people will go:
'I hurt my leg and the doctor just described physio, ugh'
'Yes I know i have this chronic gut issue but I also need to enjoy life so a little bit of x trigger food wont hurt'
Plus
'I cant cut my mother off, its morally wrong, people who cut their mothers off are awful' (mother has ground their self esteem into a pulp and they have a severe anxiety disorder)
'I cant change jobs, this is who I am' (job is literally killing them with stress)
Etc etc
Its not surprising therapy doesnt work for everyone.
Also, not every medicine works for everyone - why would we expect therapy to be any different? Sometimes you could have the best therapy, a wonderful therapist, be in the right place in your life to accept it, and it still wont work. Thats just how it is.

Yes! I still found it helpful at the time I just struggle with memory due to another issue so struggle to recall how to put things into practice after a while . I have written things down into a little manual more recently to try and have a little handbook !

I am not a big believer in everyone having therapy, but I think if you have a specific and intractable issue it can be life changing. It was for my DP who had anger issues resulting from childhood trauma. He is completely different now and we are so much happier. I think he was so stuck before we couldn’t even see there was a way out. It helped that he found a great therapist and that he was aware of the issues around getting insight but not actually changing anything. He did a huge amount of work outside therapy (reading, podcasts, CBT, journaling) and we also worked on our relationship and communication.

I've had about 12 different a therapists/types of therapy in my life and two were helpful. The rest was neutral/made things worse. I do think therapy is recommended when people really can't think what else to suggest. I've also pretended to a lot of therapists I feel better when I don't in order to end the therapy without awkwardness, so I've always suspected most therapists believe therapy is more helpful than it is because of socially awkward people pleasers like me pretending they feel better when they don't. My current resolution is never to have therapy again. There's something very freeing about knowing it's all up to me and there's no need to search for the 'right' person charging £160 an hour, or at the end of a two year waiting list, to make things better.