Best friend got into her first serious relationship, no longer wants to see me

[driftingg]

My best friend and I have been friends since we were 3 years old. We've grown up together.

She got into her first serious relationship last year. It seems to be quite a chaotic relationship. I've not met him yet, but from an outsider's perspective it seems that he love bombed her at the start (they said they loved each other after 3 weeks, booked a holiday a year out after a month together). The first few times we met up after getting together she would spend the time in tears talking about him. I would listen and let her vent. I wouldn't say anything against him, just be a neutral sounding board as I didn't want to push her away. She told me that she wanted to split up with him but couldn't. Any time they'd argue she would have to leave work early to meet him to sort it out. I can see she has a lot of fear about losing him and it's brought out the worst in her. She told me she wishes she had never met him as it would be easier. I do worry about her.

We usually meet up before Christmas to exchange presents but didn't this year. I've messaged to see how she is and ask if she'd like to meet up for a drink and she replied saying yes, I suggested some dates but she never replied.

I've been through a bit of a shitty year and I could really do with a girly catch-up. I don't really have many other close friends; she's who I would've classed as my closest friend before all of this. But she hasn't really been there this year ever since meeting her partner. I really don't want to, but I'm wondering if I should just let the friendship go now?

I wouldn't let it go, no. She has actually told she's not happy but doesn't feel like she can get out. That's not the same as ditching her mates for a boy!
I was all ready from the title to say most of us went a little bit too "all in" with our first boyfriends but this does not sound like that.

It appears she may be trapped in an extremely abusive and controlling relationship with this man. Please don't abandon her. Do you know her family well enough to talk to them about your concerns? They may be equally worried.

Don’t let her go! That’s what he wants… abusive men drive away peoples friends and family so they are isolated and feel more trapped.

She needs you. Even if she’s flaky and can’t see you much she needs to know that if she needs to… she can run to you for help.

Absolutely would not let go. Sounds like she needs help, but also needs to be willing to break it off herself, noone can do it for her. I think it's fine to put energy into other friends as you need to have friends and support too, but I wouldn't cut off a lifelong friend like this.

Agree with PP’s. She’s under his spell. I’d check in periodically letting her know you’re always there for her. Send an email rather than a text if you can.

This is where your longstanding friendship will be invaluable. It sounds like she's in trouble and will need you to be a non-judgemental friend.

Try to get an email chat going. Tell her the things that are happening in your life, move the friendship online where he can't see it, for a while.

She's clearly in a very abusive relationship, you're feeling sorry for yourself for having a bad year but your friend is going through turmoil that you just can't understand until you've been there. She's told you she wants to leave but can't. Be there for her, try to help her for the love of god.

Thanks everyone. I will put my ego aside and carry on reaching out. I know you never know what goes on behind close doors but I really don’t think he is abusive or trying to isolate her. I think it is a toxic relationship and there are attachment wounds and insecurities playing out on both sides. It is equally intense on both sides

I’m not just feeling sorry for myself. I’m grieving after losing two family members this year.

I grew up with parents in an emotionally abusive relationship so I do have some idea of what that’s like

If it will give you more peace in your mind to let the friendship go for now, then let it go. You don’t have to cut it off entirely and you can remain open to her at the same time as just quietly making less effort.

You already offered her some dates to meet up and if she hasn’t responded, there’s not much you can do. Whether or not her relationship is abusive, you do not have a responsibility to offer her constant meet ups so she can choose if she wants to ignore them or not.