I've realized how lonely I really am

[whatisforteamum]

Adult dcs visiting and stayed Christmas.We rarely see them maybe a couple of times a year.
They live 200 and 80 miles away.
They have their own lives for which I'm grateful.
I reduced my working hours to 35 from 60 a couple of yrs ago and I get Soo bored.
Due to being neurodivergent and life being busy I have no friends just acquaintances.
My dh is emotionally distant and I would say the marriage is dead.
No hugs or physical affection no proper conversation.He doesn't understand ADHD or want to know about it.
Anyone else feel like this and miss social connection at 60.

Well, do you want friends now that you’ve reduced your working hours and presumably have time to make some? Do you want to end your marriage?

My mum was 72 when my dad died and I watched her convert her life to something quite new and exciting. She was always a home-body and didn’t have a lot of friends but she made a huge effort. You can do it!

Pilates, aqua aerobics or yoga are good sociable places to meet friends your age; or a choir or walking group. There are lots of volunteer nature groups in my area as well as food banks to help out at. Theres also an adult chess club and scrabble club near my home. You could always start one!

Do you have any hobbies? You could see if there are any meet-up groups or volunteer opportunities that might suit you nearby? Penpal-ing? If you like animals, pets! My house rabbits were absolutely awesome company, so much fun and very sweet.

There's a new-ish app called 'Dubbii' (you have to pay, but not a lot I don't think) that's been set up with ADHDers in mind. I think the idea is that you 'body-double' for each other online to help you crack on with overwhelming tasks. I don't know how much contact you actually have with others, whether you see and talk to each other or what, but it might be a good way to connect with people who will understand you? And it could help you manage daily tasks if that is something you struggle with. Likewise I'm sure there are forums and FB groups specifically for neurodiverse people where you'll be listened to and empathised with if your partner is failing you in that regard.

I love walking infact I walk 4 miles to from work each day.
I do have 2 cats the I adore and give companionship.
I work full-time every other weekend so I need to find something adaptable.
I do follow lots of ADHD groups and discussion boards.
I'm prone to boredom due to my hyper active side.
Thank you for the suggestions.

There are lots of walking groups that might be of interest on Meetup, groups include day walks, weekends and longer walking holidays, in the UK & abroad

www.meetup.com/topics/walkers/gb/

I hear you OP - I am virtually the same age as you, autistic, very much a homebody, a reserved and introverted personality and, much of the time, happy and content with my own company, but very much feel that I am in need of some mental and intellectual stimulation and conversation with those who share my interests. I do have a partner, but it is a long distance relationship and we only spend weekends and holidays together when I travel to her city to spend time with her (she never comes to stay with me, but that is another story!). Although, as said, I am happy in my own company and following my own intetests I have determined that this coming year I am going to join a local history group, a language class and a book club or creative writing group in order to widen my social circle and expand upon some of my interests. It will be hard as I know that I can be socially awkward and struggle making connections, getting to know new people and feeling relaxed in busy, noisy or crowded places, but it has to be done in order to protect my own mental and physical health and wellbeing, particularly as I will also be taking partial retirement this coming year and do not wish to become too insular as a consequence of reducing the time I spend engaging with work colleagues.

Do you have hobbies or interests which could involve engagement with other like minded people to widen your social circle? You have my sympathy OP, it is hard! Particularly so if you are not a naturally gregarious or outgoing personality.

If you live near water then sea swimmers/ open water swimming groups are normally great social hubs

Maybe focus more on hobbies and ways to make friends than ADHD forums - they will just take you further into this world. I’ve found out the hard way that you can’t make it your ‘whole personality ‘ as my kids would say

Totally agree and endorse this comment, having been guilty of this myself and actually undermining my own mental wellbeing as a consequence. Having ADHD, ASD or any other neurodivergence does not define you, it is simply one facet of your personality and, particularly if your life partner is unsupportive, or does not wish to understand, going down the 'rabbit hole' of research or spending inordinate amounts of time on forums can be counter productive, increasing one's sense of isolation, being 'odd' or different.

And getting sucked into a rabbit hole is a greater risk for ND people already, even before you factor in algorithms feeding it. It's too easy to get sucked into a world that isn't healthy or good for you even though it feels comforting or validating in the moment. Some of them also have a distinct "us and them" vibe or have a culture of being very disparaging about NT people which just isolates you further.

Explore hobbies where you can spend time around other people, especially groups where you can see the same people regularly. You won't suddenly make a bunch of best friends but you can build connections and feel connected to other people. That's valuable in its own right.

I'm a bit older than you, also ADHD and just retired. I'd say firstly, beware of making 'I'm ADHD!' your entire personality, it's easily done when you are interested and desperately trying to understand yourself. But nobody else is particularly interested. Secondly, there are masses of groups out there to join. Book groups, walking groups, running groups (trail running is particularly good, tires out the body and mind), local libraries are always looking for volunteers, there are 'knit and chat' groups, other craft groups -we have all of those round here and we are very rural. So I'm sure you can find plenty of things when you've had time to have a bit of a poke around.

Join things:

A local Ramblers group, a local wild swimming group, cycling, volunteer with the National Trust or similar. Activities that give you companionship and a platform from which to make friends. The good thing about groups with a shared activity or interest is that you are busy doing something so you don't really think about whether someone is neurodivergent or whatever.

Several of my friends belong to choirs which also seem a great way of building a social circle. Unfortunately I can sing. Church provides community for others, but again not for me.

Use some loops when you go, to reduce the noise. I could still hear people but it reduced my anxiety massively.

Thank you all.
Been struggling to post on here.
I'm a chef so cooking is my special interest and researching recipes.Walking sounds ideal as I love nature and keeping fit.

I do struggle with anxiety and talk a lot which is why I mentioned ADHD but it isn't my whole life just an aspect.Im generally a positive active get stuff done type so TV and sitting around in pubs isn't my idea of fun.

Join a community choir?

But no one is suggesting tv and hanging around in pubs. You just seem as if you’re focused on distracting yourself from the things you should be focusing on, like whether to try to repair or to end your ‘dead’ marriage, and making friends, if, as you say, it was working long hours previously that prevented you having any.

Join a local U3A group and try out a few different activities
With your skill set you could even run a cooking class within one once you are more established

I can try to repair my marriage which I've tried for 3 yrs since I reduced my hours but it takes two.
Or end it and start next yr financially worse off with no one at all.

Working 60 hrs a week and weekend Christmas,mothers day Easter evenings really does affect your ability to see people.
It's exhausting too and so one day off is recovery time as chefs work 12 or 13 hour days.

Assuming there is no abuse or safety concerns obviously, why not try building up your life externally first, but put some time into trying to heal your marriage as well.
Tyen if you have to concede defeat and split, you will have more of a life to fulfill you alone

I get that, but you say you’ve reduced your hours mow, so you have more time. And regardless of whether or not you decide to stay married, you describe yourself as ‘lonely’ — surely worth making an effort to rectify that?

This

Just give things a go. Something will stick. I would avoid telling everyone you have ADHD because it can be off putting for a lot of people. We have a few friends on the spectrum and love them as they are. Weird quirks and all!

To add, I think it is quite normal to have to rework relationships when you reach retirement. I retired a decade before my husband, in part because my elderly parents needed support, and went through a period of watching daytime TV and wondering why people I considered friends were not reaching out. Truth was they had busy social lives which, because I had been working, I was not included in. It ended up as a combination. Doing things DH was interested in (going to football matches in the town my elderly parents lived in), organising more activities together (theatre tickets, joining an online film group, walking group etc), reaching out to old friends and planning activities with them, and then doing things on my own (joining a wild swimming group!). Its good as it is helping us prepare for his retirement, though on the swimming he is only willing to join us for coffee after.

The good thing is that once children fly the nest others are similarly revaluating their lives and have the time/interest to make new friends. Getting out there and joining is the key. Then following up with people you like with suggestions to do other things.

It won't just happen. You need to take the time and make the effort, but you will get there and in the meantime, hopefully, will have enjoyed your choir or your country walks.