Tell me about your year 9 girls awful behaviour and how she came out the other side (hopefully!)

[Happywalnut]

Mine is acting horribly lately -(age 14) expecting the world from us and treating us awfully. Her tone and facial expressions are always full of disgust. She seems to enjoy winding up her brother and waiting for his anger to come out.

She doesn’t seem to want to do anything for herself and is getting quite lazy.

consequences don’t really work. Well, they do for a bit but then she goes back to her own ways.

Shes quite bright and doing well in school but she doesn’t like it. She has friends though.

She does have a health condition that we could do without but it’s not going anywhere and it’s not new. I feel like the whole family is treading on egg shells around her and it’s horrible although I appreciate she could be a lot worse!

How long until the lovely girl comes back? Please don’t tell me around 20 😬

If it's any consolation I remember being absolutely awful to my mum at this age I later wrote her a letter apologising because I genuinely felt terrible. It felt like nobody understood me and the entire world was so infuriatingly behind the times and my mum was probably the only person I could take it out on and know she wouldn't leave. Also my sister, but my sister was likely to wallop me which my mum was not! Which is really shit in hindsight. Also not suggesting any walloping as a strategy

Untangled by Lisa Damour is supposed to be an excellent read. I also like the podcast Parenting Teenagers Untangled, which is totally different hosts, the name is a coincidence (Lisa's podcast is "Ask Lisa").

About 17, I think, when the super tumultuous hormones settled down a little. 14 and 15 were bloody awful ages (except to her dad, who suddenly became her favourite person.)

At 20 she's an absolute joy. Still bolshy, obviously, but so is her mother.

Grit your teeth OP, she’ll be okay. Hormones, age peers, etc. Used to teach year 9 a lot, had a year nine form. Most secondary teachers would agree that year nine is a difficult year. Good that she’s bright, but she’ll be getting pressure about KS4 and GCSEs, school will be ramping up.

Also a mum, who now has two lovely adult daughters, but 14 years old were difficult years. Give her space, set boundaries so she doesn’t walk all over you. Let her know she can always talk to you but pick your battles. Easier said than done I know.

Could have written this myself op!! Mine is same age, same stage and by the sounds of it same attitude! Everything is a challenge or a battle but I keep on reminding myself she will come out of it at some point and don’t get me wrong, we get flashes of the lovely kid she really is which gives me hope! I pick my battles and choose which hill I choose to die on that day!

I was the awful year 9 student. Hated everyone and everything, lost all interest in social life and family. I was expelled twice, into drugs and alcohol, I was violent and a horrible person. Therapy and a psychiatrist taught me that it was a trauma response and mild PTSD due to several things that had happened in the previous couple of years and choices my parents made. Hopefully that’s not the case in your DDs situation.

By year 11 I was studying for my GCSEs, came out with high B and Cs, got into college, did 3 years, got an evening and weekend job to earn some money. 15ish years later I have a good job that pays well, two children and a lovely home. Me and my parents have an okay relationship, I’ll never forgive them for their choices when I was growing up but that’s my issue.

Advise I can give is keep trying to talk to her, eventually you’ll get through. The shouting and taking phones away attitude probably won’t work. Let her figure out what she’s feeling.

Mine is AUDHD so has been difficult right through. Our issue is mainly the other girls. Since starting secondary one has become much worse, loving drama. Telling others off for things she does even more. Ranting at others. Luckily there has been a break of the group so it may calm down.
i think theres some jealousy as mine and the another friend do better academically. And i get that that is hard if the kid is competitive, dyslexic and trying hard but people have different skills.
Theres a lot to be desired at our school re social skills and generally the kids are pretty mean and bullies.
But yes its all ramping up with options and presumably change in classes.