Does anybody else get stressed about social/obligations?

[Alonglongway7]

My DD has been invited for a sleep over at a friend's house which is lovely and she is going, but I've spent the morning absolutely dreading my part the process and wanting it to go away.

Having to socialise when dropping/collecting. Having to repeat the same tomorrow. Feeling obligated to invite people in and host as it sounds like mum wants to come to ours first, or feeling obligated to stay and chat as opposed to dropping and leaving straight away.

My house is not 'visitor ready' to me.

This isn't an isolated thing and seems to be the overriding feeling about everything and anything that requires me to go somewhere and do something that isn't of my choosing.

Appointments. Telephone calls. Work commitments. Everything. I have an overwhelming feeling of wanting to avoid it all. I get stressed to the point of tears when I have 'things' piling up that I need to sort out or attend.

If I have an appointment coming up I'll spend the day before it and the morning of feeling unsettled and annoyed.

I resent 'having to' meet up with friends.

I'm not at work at the moment following surgery, but that's another huge one I struggle with. The expectation to be there every day at a certain time with no autonomy for the bulk of the day. It drives me bonkers.

I internalise these feelings and don't vent them (to anybody but my DH) because I know it's not normal or socially acceptable, but my god do I feel them.

I like my friends, I truly do, but could gladly do without meeting up with them.

I grit my teeth and get on with doing all of the stuff that comes with parenting, for my DC's sake, but I find it so incredibly hard 'having to' do things.

I saw a friend for an hour or so yesterday and feel like I need days of solitude to recuperate, now I have this sleep over and more socialising to deal with.

I'm avoiding responding to the text confirming the time as I'm feeling so stressed out by it.

I'm aware I sound like a ridiculous overgrown baby that can't cope with life. And I feel like one 🫣

I have ADHD but I don't think that explains all of this, or does it?

Does anybody else feel this way? And more importantly, why do we?

Oh I really feel this. You’re not alone — social obligations around parenting can feel so heavy, especially when your house doesn’t feel “visitor ready” and you’re already emotionally stretched. It’s okay to want simplicity, quiet, and boundaries. You don’t owe anyone a performance or a perfect home. Just dropping off and leaving is enough. You’re doing your best, and that’s more than enough 💛.

I really relate to this. I have autism and adhd. I find it so difficult and exhausting to do all the things you have mentioned.

I feel the same about work, appointments, "having to" do things you don't want to do.

I put it down to being neurodiverse. I try to space out social engagements as I need so much down time afterwards.

I think one of the worst things for me is being misunderstood. It's ok with casual friends who only need/ want to meet up occasionally. But with closer friends or family, who seem to be constantly wanting to meet up or plan events and get togethers, it's really hard. I have explained to a few close family members how I feel and although they have accepted it, I still don't feel they fully understand it. For them, if you care about someone, that means you want to be in contact or meet up all the time. For me, even if I care deeply about someone, I still need to meet up much less than they would like, as I find it overwhelming and stressful!

I used to feel really bad about it and would try to socialise more as I didn't want to hurt people. But I ended up exhausted and stressed and kept getting migraines. So now I don't as much, but I think people generally can't understand why.

I don’t like small talk, so I just don’t do it. You are not obligated to do social things. Just say no!

As for the sleepover, other parents definitely do not want to chat. Sleepovers are about entertaining your own child so you can get on with things. Just drop dd off at the door and say, have a lovely time. The offer of a cup of tea is out of politeness. No one actually wants you to come in and have a cup of tea. Say no thanks, but have a lovely time and go. If mum wants to drop to yours it’s so she can end the sleepover at a time of her choosing, not because she wants to socialise. Just open your door for your child, say thanks for having her, we’ll have Susie over next time and wave her off. When I do drop offs and collections with my dc, none of us ever even get out of the car, let alone talk to each other. We give a wave from the drive and that’s it.

Yes. I'm autistic.

Oh yes. I totally identify.

I've had extreme social anxiety all my life. And it limits very much what I can do.

Last year I received a late life diagnosis of Autism. And I am of the opinion that my autism is very much part my problems with social interactions which many people find easy to negotiate. Although the difficult childhood I experienced which nurtured an almost total lack of self confidence and feelings of self worth also play a big part

Makemeanonymous I have late diagnosed ADHD with autistic traits and I'm exactly the same.
I even dreaded my dcs coming here at Christmas!!
Ridiculous really.im awaiting assessment of ASD.

Im the same.

Im neurotypical, but the same.

I didn't used to be, its come on in my forties. I think as a response to how busy life is/ my increased need for solitude.

We're working on setting limits as to what we can manage in a week, and sticking to them. With variable success.

You get that having children was completely optional, right? As was marriage? As is having and seeing friends?

You need a job to pay for a roof over your head, sure, but it’s probably eminently possible to find one that involves working from home and that doesn’t involve anyone else at all. I suppose in your shoes the question I’d be asking myself is why I’d chosen a life that was so incompatible with my needs?

The issue is mostly overthinking things and it’s definitely a 21st century problem, people in the past casually socialised all the time without formal invites or other anxiety inducing things, now everything is scheduled, programmed in with processes and the associated worries if you are doing it right rather than one mum saying to another mum at the school gate, do they want to come over to play for an hour tomorrow after school, or even straight away. Same for non child things, we don’t call on people (post about that yesterday) we don’t even let people into our house without lots of warning and planning

I do believe it’s self perpetuating too, reading about others fears or the social norms online makes you more and more anxious, simply wasn’t the case before the internet because we just didn’t know we were meant to be worried, even text messaging hasn’t been good because people actually expect a text to be allowed to call??? What is this? You couldn’t before it was invented, it’s creating protocols

Ah solidarity to you all, I wasn't expecting so many people to relate off the bat. I was half expecting to be told to give my head a wobble.

It's so comforting to know I'm not alone. Thank you!

I too have had social anxiety all of my life. I just chalked it up to introversion.

Regarding autism.. I have one son diagnosed with autism and another currently being assessed. We're not sure whether DS2 has it or not at the moment.

My DH is undiagnosed but is almost certainly autistic and so we naturally felt that DS1 had inherited it from him.

I was diagnosed with ADHD 2.5 years ago but never considered that I too may be autistic.

I'm quite good at reading people and being attuned to others emotions, I don't struggle to understand sarcasm or struggle to 'get' jokes. I'm not big on needing a routine etc.

Is this ignorance and unintentional stereotypeing on my part as to how autism presents in women? I only have a scope on the male presentation so could do with doing some research. And I will.

I've managed to avoid having people in at all this afternoon by saying I will drop DD to her friends house because as luck would have it I'm going to be in the area and can drop her on my way there.

I'm not in the area.

I had no plans to go anywhere today but I would much rather do that than have people in at my place as I would feel pressure to be "on" socially, and I want to drop and run.

Isn't it ironic that in trying to avoid something I've actually given myself more faff, but I still prefer that version as I have control over it 🫠

I'm audhd and have the same problems. Thankfully, my children are young adults now and one lives away. I just want to sit and crochet or potter round the garden. I have a friend who's just like me and we don't put any demands upon one another and it works great.

I didn't realise how incompatible my life is to my needs until I had it and it's a bit late now 😂

Before having DC I had a low demand job and 100% of my spare time to myself.

It wasn't until having children and inheriting all of the things that come with them, that the wheels came off, so to speak.

Apparently it's very common for neurodiverse women to muddle on just fine until having DC and it's that what leads to being diagnosed. It was in my case with ADHD anyway.

This 100%.

Also a big agree to putting pressure on myself.

Smart phones are both incredibly helpful yet just as intrusive. I have my read receipts turned off as I feel rude reading a message and not replying. I then worry about feeling rude and feel pressure to reply.

I recommend reading about demand avoidance in autism. I don't have adhd so I don't know if it is a part of that too, it very well could be.

I know exactly how you feel. My sister rang me yesterday, wanting to set a date for a walk and coffee (we're meeting up tomorrow). I know it sounds bad, but I felt like saying, "But we've only just spent Christmas together!". I'm aware that my days off (Christmas break) are slipping through my fingers and I'll be back to work before I know it. Really, I just want to curl up with a book and some chocolates.

I really like people and I enjoy meeting up with them, but only in very small doses.

I've also committed to meeting two friends over the Christmas break, but now it's starting to feel like a chore. I will enjoy meeting them though and hearing their news. Also, when I commit to doing something, I like to follow through - I don't like to cancel. So I messaged one of them this morning and suggested some dates.

I've come to the conclusion that my social battery runs down quicker than other people. You're probably the same.

And I get the same unsettled feeling about appointments. I remember going for a hair appointment as a teenager. Feeling uncomfortable trying to make small talk with the hairdresser. It's an artificial situation really - trying to make conversation with someone who is effectively a complete stranger. And I was a teenager, so I couldn't even talk about my holiday plans or how I was spending my Saturday night 😀. Such an immense sense of relief when I had paid the bill and was free to walk away! I didn't have a name for that uncomfortable feeling at the time, but I now recognise it as anxiety. I don't let anxiety stop me from doing the things I want to do. And I'm much better at small talk. Like @Makemeanonymous I had a difficult childhood and I think that has contributed to the person that I am.

I’m similar. I’ve been diagnosed with CPTSD which presents as acquired neurodiversity. For a long while I thought I might have ADHD and/or ASD.

What I’ve learnt is that I have an overloaded nervous system so any interaction can make me feel overwhelmed and fatigued. It’s worse with certain people. It’s not being lazy or unmotivated. It’s your brain keeping you safe.

Decide what works for you in terms of what you need to do. If you’re dropping off, can you limit it to five minutes? Maybe have an appointment you need to get to. Don’t agree to anything on the spot. Say you need to check your diary. Book things in but keep them short and make sure you have enough space in your diary to rest and recuperate.

Grounding helps. Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing. Do what is right for you. The job doesn’t sound right for a start. Can you do anything about that?

Also, don’t try to explain any of this to anyone. They’ll think you’re bonkers!

Sympathy here. I do love meeting up with people, though am always far too petrified of rejection to initiate anything myself but everything else rings true. Any kind of obligation is terrifying. I find simple texting and writing birthday cards anxiety inducing. Won’t make telephone calls. In the past I used to struggle to pay bills and at times putting the washing machine on has felt impossible. My house is a tip. I’m not working at the moment but actually the lack of option when I was made things easier in some ways as I “had” to be there and get it done. Always suspected I had autism as I’ve always found people difficult and have probably got ADHD too as DD does.

I am you and you are me! Honestly, this is exactly how my life is. Its exhausting. Everything feels much harder than it should be!

I really relate also

I often long for a simpler life, with no appointments/obligations.

I force myself to go for lunch/coffee with people and enjoy myself once there but actually don't look forward to the run up to it

Yep this is me. I HATE feeling cornered into things including even meeting friends because it’s started to feel like an obligation.

I think I just need a few weeks of time to myself to be honest. Then I should be refreshed and ready to rejoin the world.

I am the same! I could have written your post. I am ND. My friends are long suffering and accommodating, I appreciate how lucky I am.

Autism presents differently in women, and of course every autistic person is different from every other, so it is entirely possible that this is why you feel the way you do about socialising and all that it entails.