Teen daughter boyfriend sent abusive messages

[NYcake]

DD is 15, had a BF since spring this year. Things started ok although I did feel he kept love bombing her initially, but things have deteriorated recently. DD she has started to get more quiet & seemed tearful over festive break we decided to check her phone and came across messages via Snapchat. He was calling her awful names, swearing, calling her a wh0re & saying she’s a dwarf and he doesn’t know what he sees in her. She is very petite for her age and extremely conscious of this. We acted immediately by sending the messages to his parents. They have taken his phone off him and want their relationship to end, as do we. My main concern is the long term impact his behaviour has/will have. As he apologised in a call which we have no evidence of, she’s prepared to forgive him and thinks they’re in love. As parents were furious and really upset. The reason for the outbursts are due to him being stuck at home over Christmas while we were visiting family. We will involve school next term as they’re in lessons together. Any help and suggestions about self esteem & confidence… we are so sad and distraught for her and worried how it’s going to affect her already very low confidence levels 😞

I really don’t know how to help but I would suggest getting her far far away from him, when I was 15 I was in a similar situation and now 31 with 2 children with him and he left me this year to be with another woman! I wish I would have listened to my parents at 15 and got away from him!! Don’t get me wrong he did change we did have many many good years but he was always capable of being that person again when we argued

OP there is a campaign set up by the family of Holly Newton that is trying to implement a change in law for controlling and coercive behaviour in teens. It’s a scary thing.
there are charities that offer advice, this is one

https://www.actonitnow.org.uk/about

Don’t contact randoms from mumsnet

Sorry, this post doesn't seem right and give a personal mobile number. Not sure how to report?

I’ve reported it

It's indeed very off. I've reported.

I’ve already reported. Seems to be a thing on mumsnet today.
Maybe genuinely lonely but really not a good idea.

How can we keep our teenagers safe if parents don’t understand basic internet safety.

I would recommend her doing the freedom programme potentially with you supporting and having open discussions around abuse and all the forms that it can take so that she is able to recognise it for what it is.

Thank you. That’s really helpful!

@NYcake I’m sorry to read this and proud of you for doing the right things including informing the school. As others have said I’d keep her far away from him. He was always a bully. What a little shit!

I’d take her phone off her too not as a punishment but to create some space. With it removed she can get distance. Any on off contact, apologies and messages will just keep dragging things out.

Then I’d be thinking about how to build momentum and get her winning to build up her confidence, ideally in things she chooses herself so she can feel back in control again. So what activities or hobbies could you lean into?

If she’s still insisting that this is love, I would emphasise that He Is Not A Good Person, the flowery declarations at the beginning were not real, and the nastiness is him wanting to hurt her, so an apology doesn’t cut it. It’s the fact that he said it in the first place that can’t be got past, and means it’s under the surface waiting to happen again.
Its sad & difficult, but will hopefully be powerful learning about relationships