This is awful behavior isn’t it

[Movingon2024]

Hoping for others’ opinions.

Sister has a track record of being difficult. Lots of falling out with family and friends.

following abusive childhood we both distanced ourselves from parents. I opted to retain limited contact for the sake of my kids, to whom they have in fact been good grandparents. Sister opted for no contact, fair enough.

Last year and this year I opted to do Xmas day with parents, mainly for my kids’ sake, who love their grandparents. I find it hard going tbh but manage it once a year.

sister does her own thing for Xmas though of course invited to join.

I went to visit her this evening along with another family member. She is clearly angry with me. Did not speak to me - literally. Only asked questions to other family member. Did not look at me. I asked how she was etc but got monosyllabic answers. I had brought presents for her, partner and kids: she had brought some for family member and their kids, to whom she is not close, but nothing for my kids or me, when we usually exchange gifts each year.

i feel v hurt by her coldness and especially so as we are in our 50s!! Not teens.

as I say sister has long history of falling out with people. She didn’t speak to our brother once for several years. And she does tend to want everything on her terms. But I thought we were close and feel so hurt by this. Did I get it wrong?

So you your parents abused you, you let them into your children’s lives and you don’t get why your sister isn’t all “yaaay!! I love this!!” 🧐

Maybe her memories of the abuse she suffered at the hands of your parents are different from yours, and she feels you have betrayed her.

Can you find an opportunity to ask her why she is upset?

Something that strikes me in your post is that, although you acknowledge your parents were abusive, you describe her as having 'a track record of being difficult'. I wonder if that's related? Perhaps the abuse was worse for her than for you, and that and/or the fact she has gone no-contact may mean she has found it harder to navigate relationships with family and friends than you do? People can be very judgy about you going no-contact. It could be you come across as the 'good' child who has kept the peace with your parents, while your sister bears the brunt of seeing the 'naughty' or 'difficult' one?

That might be why she is upset; I don't know. But it does feel a bit as if you're going into this assuming her role in life is to be difficult and prickly, and I would think that might become a self-fulfilling prophecy, if she's picking up on it.

I couldn’t be in anyone’s life who kept up a relationship with someone who abused me. That’s another betrayal. This is also how abuse prevails - people turning a blind eye for nonsense reasons.

She probably wonders why you’re permitting abusive people to spend time with your kids

Maybe I was too brief in first post.
thr Abuse was of me, too long a story to go into here. Sister did not experience this.

she has different reasons for cutting off our parents, though equally valid.
my parents have, despite all expectations, been really good and loving grandparents to my kids. I’ve done a lot of biting my lip through the years but the kids do have a loving relationship with gps. I never felt it was my right to stop that. just kept my own distance and did a lot of therapy to help me manage it.

Sister does have constant fallouts with friends and family members. She can be very black and white - you’re with her or against her. I feel that by my spending Xmas with parents (at kids request - they are older teens & conscious that gps may not be arou d too much longer) she does feel betrayed.

I’ll try to talk to her about it. I know she can have a very set mindset though and is unlikely to shift her view.

thsnks all.