My husband and I have always talked about wanting two babies close in age. It was something we both wanted, especially because we didn’t know if I would even be able to get pregnant. We are so lucky to have our little boy, who is now 16 months old, but since he was around six months old I’ve felt this deep, growing certainty that I’m ready for another baby.
My husband has wanted to wait longer, and although I’ve gone along with that, it’s been incredibly hard for me. The desire hasn’t faded — it’s grown. We’ve been using the pull-out method, and I track my fertility, so I know when I’m ovulating. A few months ago, I told him I was fertile and he didn’t pull out. I became pregnant and I was over the moon. It felt like everything I’d been longing for was finally happening. He seemed happy too, and for a brief time it felt like we were truly on the same page — until I lost the baby.
The miscarriage broke something open in me. When we had sex again afterwards and he didn’t pull out, I let myself hope. Even though I knew the chances were low, that small window of possibility meant everything to me. I didn’t get pregnant, but it felt like maybe he was starting to want this too. Yet he continues to say he wants to wait a few more months before actually trying.
Last night was especially hard. We had sex, but he made a point of not finishing inside me and said we weren’t making a baby. I knew I was fertile, and despite everything, I’d allowed myself to feel hopeful again. Since the miscarriage, my longing for another baby has become overwhelming. I always wanted another child, but being pregnant — even briefly — brought that yearning back with an intensity I wasn’t prepared for. It hurt deeply, and I ended up feeling rejected and crushed.
I’ve tried to explain that he can’t say he doesn’t want to try for a baby while also being careless about preventing one. When he says, “If it happens, it happens,” it leaves me stuck in emotional limbo. That uncertainty is exhausting and painful, and my mental health can’t cope with constantly hoping, then being let down. I need clarity. We either try properly, or we don’t.
Watching friends move on to their second babies has made this even harder. Two of my friends who had babies around the same time as me already have another. My best friend is pregnant, and others with babies the same age are now trying. Every announcement feels like a reminder of what I’m longing for. My husband is very laid back and doesn’t understand why I feel so desperate, but this isn’t just impatience — it feels like grief mixed with fear and time slipping away.
There are practical reasons too, but they’re tied deeply to how I feel. I’ve always wanted to be a stay-at-home mum, but I also want to return to work once both children are at school. The longer we wait, the longer I’m out of work, and the more that future feels pushed away. I also need surgery, which is much better done once I’ve finished having children, as I wouldn’t be able to try for a baby for some time afterwards. Waiting doesn’t just delay things — it closes doors.