How to fairly split Xmas food costs

[DappledThings]

Will try to be brief but avoid any dripfeeding.

Christmas this year was at my parents' house. Them, me, DH and our DC (8 and 9), DB, SIL and their DC (10 and 6). We stayed 4 nights and the others are one more night then home tomorrow. We alternate between being with my parents and PIL as do DB and SIL so usually one year we are all 10 together and next year not at all. We have hosted in previous years, DB and SIL haven't as don't have room but would like to.

When we host it costs around £400 on food and booze for the few days people are with us. DB and SIL bring plenty of booze and at least one extra dessert. DPs bring a bottle and some homemade mince pies etc but also always pay for any lunches out on day trips etc.

This year although DPs were hosting DH and SIL decided to offer to cook and sort all food. We set up an order to a local Tesco and it came to £270. DP separately provided the turkey, loads of sausages and bacon and a good supply of cheese.

I had assumed we would basically split it three ways and I would ask my parents for about £90 and DB for the same. But maybe less from DPs as they provided turkey etc and spent £80 on lunch for 9 of us on 24th. DH had assumed that as we pay for all of it when we host they would do the same and give us more like £200 (shop minus all the extra booze that they will have had little of) and DB wouldn't pay anything.

I don't think either of us are right are wrong, just looking at differently. But we have nearly 2 hours of our drive left and as I've done my 2 hour stint behind the wheel I'm filling in the time asking for opinions on this!

I would split the whole cost (not just the food shop) by 3. Or you each pay when you host assuming you really do rotate each year, but sounds like you don’t.

I would be absolutely delighted as a host to have family offer to share the costs. Except for the past 2 years (we don’t invite anyone anymore because I’m fed up with hosting, so just us and everyone else stays home), we have always hosted every year, costs a small fortune, and never, ever has anyone offered to do a food shop or contribute to the costs or bring some sausages.

Exactly! For Christmas dinner we had DS1 plus his DP and their 8 year old, DS2 whose own DP was necessarily involved with her family, 2 x DGs plus their GFs and no way would we expect any of them to contribute to the meal!
presents of wine and chocs were gratefully received along with Christmas presents all round.
If you can afford it, treat them.

So 270 between 6 people = £45 per head. However, DPs bought other food for everyone (maybe £50?) so take that off their share means they pay £90 - 50 =£40.00, leaving £230 between both children.
Parents = £40
Brother = £115
OP = £115

I agree, however DM is asking how much she owes! And paid for a meal out for everyone.

In our similar situation 1 sibling pays and 1 sibling cooks. PIL aren’t particularly well off.

I don't think the parents owe anything, the rest divided by you and the brother, £135 is really not that much for a family for 4 days at Christmas plus a lunch out ( different if you really can't avoid it but that doesn't seem the case here)

And in two years time when they all come to us we continue to not ask for any contributions so we pay both as guests and as hosts? I don't actually disagree with that because I think that's kind of how we set it up this year but that's where DH is a bit thrown.

He's not pissed off or demanding anything in any way but a bit surprised the expectation is us to pay extra. His parents wouldn't dream of not covering the costs of food at their house as their turn but I think as families we just have different ways of seeing it.

Anyway, will see what DB and SIL were expectating and take it from there.

DB and SIL are getting the best deal with current arrangements since they never host - when do they foot the whole bill?
I think going forward (regardless of who hosts), the fairest thing would be for everyone to contribute to the kitty and lunches out and the Tesco shop and the turkey all comes from the kitty.

Yes I would do the same

If db and sil were organising they should have paid for food especially given they never host. I’d have assumed they were covering it.

I agree.

If I had slept and been hosted in someone’s house for 4 days I would consider £270 a bargain.

Unless SIL has explicitly asked how much you want reimbursed I would leave it.

As other posters have said change the division next time.

The main thing is do you think you got good value for money? I would say you have.

The main thing is do you think you got good value for money? I would say you have
Difficult to measure that one! DH's feelings are entirely in the context of parity. So when we have hosted it's cost us about £400, DPs about £50 and DB about £50. Two years later as guests it's cost us about £270, DPs about £150 maybe including one lunch out and DB not a lot as everything that would be their contribution was on the Tesco order.

He's not up in arms about it, just a bit surprised that haven't had more of the costs sent back to us as it was only our Teaco account used for convenience. And I'm still not convinced there's any one fair answer at all.

Thing is I don’t think anyone else is factoring in last year, plus by paying for it and not agreeing this in advance you kind of set a precedent.
I think the best thing to do is if you’re hosting next year suggest that the cost of food is split like it was this year to make it fair for everyone.

They aren't factoring in no, nor was I till DH mentioned it last night. I hadn't really thought about it in that context. Or any context!

I can’t imagine charging people (even family) for lunch 😔

Who do you think is doing that in this scenario? We, one third of adult guests, have paid for the majority of the food for our hosts and for other guests. Previously we have paid for everyone when they have been guests in our home.

It's a quirk of trying to aid convenience for my parents to save them having to physically do the big shop (Dad refuses to use online delivery, that's another story!) that we paid for it because we already have a Tesco account and gave SIL the login to add bits on.

DB and SIL should definitely be reimbursing you half of the shop - there's some cheeky fuckery in them assuming that the bill will be covered by you or your parents.

Your b and sil need to pay at least 50% imo

Your parents have been very generous already. Don't ask them for more, just split the food shop between the two other families.