Help me turn this miserable Christmas school holidays around

[christmastreeblues]

I’ve come down with a rare horrible cold and bug thing, and all Christmas Day I was ill and today worse. I have a 5 year old DS and a DH. I’m never ill and tend to do everything. I rallied myself yesterday but today I’ve been feeling really awful and haven’t felt sick like this in a long time.

For context my 5 yo is generally lovely but really hard work and full of tearaway energy, and my DH and I have been going through stressful times including with finances and marriage problems.

my son was counting down the days till the school holidays and not enjoying school last term - really tired and ready for a break. I ended up planning a bit too much for him, (play dates etc) thinking he would be happier once the holidays started but he’s actually been really hard work and quite bad tempered at times and also quite overstimulated. So I’ve tried to keep bedtimes early and regular and pair down the activities to compensate. He’s not had thousands of toys and I tried to choose modest ones which would keep him busy building etc but actually today has been a total nightmare!!!

My son has been utterly stir crazy and with me feeling so bad for once I’ve not been there to distract him away or not had the energy to find a suitable activity so he’s gone feral. We’ve had cupboards ransacked, popcorn all over the floor, shaving foam sprayed all over the bathroom and general carnage. My husband’s attitude is that it’s Boxing Day and it’s normal to chill and just watch films / do nothing, so he’s been sitting in the armchair a lot, whilst admittedly taking DS outside to occupy him sporadically. But because I’m not fighting fit and going round mopping up everything (figuratively and literally) it’s all turned to shit. Sons been stressed and crying, I’ve cried and husbands resentful that his iPad viewing keeps getting interrupted or that I’m nagging.

I feel awful guilt about my son because I grew up in an unhappy family dynamic and don’t want Christmas to be like that for my son. I know my husbands being unreasonable. In better times he will admit this too, but right now he’s stressing about his job and it brings out the worst in him.

My husband and I have had our problems but we’ve had counselling and been working on things and contrary to how this school holidays has gone we are generally a happy family, BUT my son is full on and hard work, we have no other support, and my husbands been really stressed out with his job so the build up to Christmas has been stressful this year and not nice.

again I feel awful guilt.

i’m looking around our small flat at the toys and rubbish everywhere feeling really sick when I would usually be cleaning up and wondering what an earth I can do to make the rest of the holidays more enjoyable for everybody. I feel like we need space and I feel like I can’t get away from this flat but I don’t know what to do. We looked at Centre parks and it’s all filled up. We would never get anything last minute. I feel so ill I don’t feel able to go out to the park with my son, which we would normally do and we’ve got a visit coming up to a toxic extended family member which we’re not looking forward to. I don’t wanna feel this stressed out and mainly I want my son to feel calm and happy. I thought that his behaviour would improve once the holidays kicked in and school finished but he’s actually been the hardest work he’s ever been. I feel cooped up and there’s no time to resolve anything.

any advice? Please be gentle as I’m really sad.

You might feel better for a short walk, look at the lights and a change of scene. You have a husband problem, but you already know that.

id be taking to bed or telling him he needs to take the kid out for 1-2 hours and to step the fuck up.

Try and think of two short but manageable activities / things to do each day. One morning and one afternoon. Use ChatGPT if you need to. But if you can have two things to hang your day around it will feel easier.

A five year old can be told that they need to clean up mess they make and not to ransack cupboards. It’s easier to set firm boundaries even when you aren’t feeling well than deal with the aftermath.

Take some vitamin c and zinc, drink loads of fluids and try and manage as best you can. Going away won’t help.

in the new year you and husband need to sort things out or seek counselling and work out a way forward that isn’t this.

Thanks. I don’t know how to get through the rest of the holidays without rupture to be honest.

We also have a 5 year old who struggles emotionally, and a 2 year old. It’s ok to have some down days in the holidays but you need to divide attention between you and DH. We’ve been in all day today and we didn’t have a good night so all tired today. Earlier I had a nap whilst DH played games with the kids, and now DH is napping and I’m the entertainer. Then over the rest of the holidays we’ve got a mix of family activities out, seeing friends and visiting family.

Go to bed and rest up. Stop looking at the mess, stop backseat parenting. Leave DH in charge. Ideally he'll take him out to burn some energy, but leave it to him.

Tomorrow ask DH to take DS out somewhere so you can rest and he can get his energy out.

If DH needs some time then arrange it so he takes DS out in the morning and you takeover in the afternoon and do something like a movie at home so you can rest.

Remind yourself this time will pass, for all of you. You will get better, the flat will be tidied, he will calm down.

Focus on mood rather than activity. If a cosy afternoon watching a film together works, do that. Can DH take him for a bike ride or run around the park while you tackle a bit of the mst unsightly mess?

Can you simplify your plans until you are well? It's okay to tell a child you're unwell. They can be disappointed and cooped up, but they will survive. It's not a crisis, so don't feel guilty about being ill. Good times will come around.

Okay , stop it with the guilt . You make it sound like he’s going to be damaged for life!

Christmas hasn’t gone to plan that’s all. Happens to everyone. You boy is safe and warm , has food and presents. He’s fine.

You need to rest, drink fluids, sleep etc to shake the bug off. Your husband can look after everything else.

When you feel better then you can give your child a bit more attention, play with his new stuff etc. Three of you can get out into some fresh air and so on.

Keep things in perspective!

Take yourself to bed. Refuse to come out because ... you are SICK.

Your DP will just have to 'man up' and look after his DC. Ideally, he'd use his two arms and legs to clear up a little, just like you normally do. Your DH can watch the iPad after DC has gone to bed early.

The more you rest now, the better you should feel all the sooner and then you can be your usual, amazing self again.

Can you organise an indoor Olympics - you oversee from the sofa while your son competes in 'events', with prizes for beating his own records. Time him doing star jumps, burpees etc and challenge him to come up with new games.

A treasure hunt - could be something as simple as lego bricks that you hide around the house and he has to find them.

Easy for you but keeps him busy and burning energy - whatever that could be in your setting!

Inform your DH that the toxic family member will be cancelled as you are ill.

Tell DH you know he is not in a great place but he needs to take over with DS & the flat whisky you go to bed and as soon as you feeling better he can have plenty of chill time.

Your husband needs to pull his damned finger out. I had an extremely stressful job as a ward sister bringing up my family alone with no help and still managed to keep everything going and make christmas fun. He can't just sit there doing nothing, doom scrolling all day. He is the problem. He needs to get up and start doing and stop whingeing.

Could DH take your son to a park or an indoor soft play place or something to burn off some energy and give you time to relax?
It sounds like he needs a really good run around in the fresh air to reset - I have two boys and remember how hard it was in midwinter.