Seemingly small things that have had a big impact on your life

[Parumpupumpum]

Not a TAAT, but inspired by the thread about overhearing people talking about you. A few posters on there mentioned how the incident changed their brain chemistry or mentioned how it affected them for years.
It really made me sad to think how it was something that affected them so deeply and possibly changed their life.. but for the person who inflicted this on them, it was just a fleeting moment, probably completely forgotten about long ago.

Do many people have experience of this?

I’ve had quite a few moments in my childhood that affected my developing brain and sense of self, although I suppose that was more of a pattern of events rather than a single moment.

But one single event that has stuck with me, and even though it would probably be a tiny thing to most, it really set me back in a time when I was trying hard to heal after years of isolation through social anxiety and depression. After years of not leaving the house I managed to get myself into college part time when I was about 18/19 and even had a small group of girls that I made a real effort to be social with in and out of college. The group included one girl who was the type of “friend” who isn’t really your friend and just looks for ways to be bitchy in a sneaky, underhand sort of way.

Anyway this girl and I were in a classical civilisation course together and one day the teacher was reading aloud to us all while we read along and this bitchy girl kept giggling quietly to herself and looking up at me as if she wanted me to acknowledge her or react in some way. So in the end I did an awkward nod and smiled at her in acknowledgment of whatever she was laughing at (I didn’t know how to react tbh because I had such low confidence in my social abilities) ..and anyway, as soon I acknowledged her, she loudly said in front of the whole class “what are you laughing at? I’m laughing because I’ve read ahead in the text and there’s a funny part! Why are you laughing??”. She said it so loud that even the teacher stopped reading and everyone looked over. I was so humiliated and mumbled something or other. Eventually everyone went back to reading and there certainly wasn’t anything that funny in the text.

Anyway, that one little thing knocked me so much in such fragile time in my life, that I quietly managed to get through the rest of that first year but couldn’t bring myself to come back to do the second year of the course. It was the very beginning of my trying to get help for my mental health and I basically gave up. I already suffered from low self esteem and believing I was fundamentally unlikable, so the fact that my “friend” so openly (although in a back handed way) behaved so nastily to me just confirmed that for me.

A similar experience. A "friend" I made when I started university. Looking back, we had nothing in common except for our home town. She was ok when it was just us but with a group she would say nasty things to embarrass me.
One day we were sitting in the park with some other friends and she kept making comments about my clothes and saying "they're so awful" and laughing. I just ignored her but something snapped and I went from being a meek people pleaser to a fishwife! I got her alone and told her she was a horrible person and I wanted nothing to do with her. She couldn't apologise enough but I didn't bother with her again and circumstances meant we saw much less of each other. Since then I've not been scared of standing up for myself, but only if it's really necessary.

Wow, that’s bitchy of that person.

it’s not normal behaviour and I would pity her

Huge hug @Parumpupumpum I know exactly the kind of thing you mean. A friend of mine was badly injured in 7/7 and several months afterwards, very slowly, I developed a phobia about riding on buses and trains. I hadn’t connected the two things. One really good day, I had managed to push myself through it, still not understanding why I was having these panic attacks, and I felt so positive and hopeful about being on campus for the first time in months. But the librarian, loudly and publicly, tore a strip off me when I returned a 3 day loan book. He was entirely justified, but it just caught me in a fragile moment and tipped me into a terrible MH spiral. I never got back on campus again, never finished my PhD, left the field entirely and by the time I had reclaimed myself, those opportunities had slipped away.

It’s made me cautious in how I interact with people because you just don’t know if someone is vulnerable, and I would hate to tip someone over the edge. But I doubt he remembers that moment at all, so maybe I’ve done something to someone else and have no idea.

If she was giggling and then speaking loudly, people would have thought of her as odd, not you. But it didn't feel like that at the time and sorry she was such a bitch.

I would say doing worse than expected in my a levels led me to a much better path. I ended up going to a university with a better course and made some great friends. Admittedly it could have been just as good in the planned university, I will never know, but it taught me not to give up when facing adversity.

I'm sorry you had a similar experience @Fionasapples, but I'm glad you found it in yourself to stand up for yourself. You must've felt so proud! I really wish I could say I've had one of those moments in my life, but sadly whenever that sort of thing has happened to me I've just internalised it.

Thanks @ohyesido! I'm sure she's long forgotten about it by now, and to everyone else in the room, I was probably the one who looked like an idiot.

Thanks so much @GooseyGandalf, sending a hug right back to you too.
I'm so sorry, it's totally understandable that you'd be deeply affected, I'm glad that you've managed to reclaim yourself, even if you're left with regrets. But honestly, panic attacks are terrifying so working to overcome that and find yourself again is such an achievement and you've done so well 🩷

I know exactly what you mean about be extra careful how you treat other people. It such a huge fear of mine as a mother, that there might be something I've done that I have no idea about but that he might think back on one day.

I see what you mean @HarryVanderspeigle, she was a little discreet when she was giggling and looking over and then when she asked me loudly why I was laughing, she was sounding so confused and she sort of made it look as if I had been laughing at nothing. It's hard to explain. But I do think you're right that it probably felt worse to me than to other people at the time.

I'm glad your experience led to something positive 🩷 I can imagine it must've been difficult at the time so it's great you were able to persevere!

Not me but something happened to my late auntie, probably around the late 1970s i think. She was probably in her 30s.
I cant remember the circumstances exactly (through family tales) but she'd been off work for a while for very valid reason and she'd been encouraged to go outside more by the doctor. Anyway, on her first walk out she bumped into a woman from work who was really scowly and grumpy with her for not being at work but "enjoying herself walking about it".
She went home and rarely ventured out much again alone for the rest of her life (to her 80s), and became quite agoraphobic without my uncle. She was always fun and jolly and happy enough with her family, but i found that very sad that a nasty comment from one woman who never knew the full circumstances impacted her life so badly

Incredible isn't it? How some words can make you feel and change everything?
An old boyfriend told me "you'll never amount to anything in your life" it knocked me so hard. I was only 19/20 at the time! I realised sometime after that he was obviously angry i had rejected him.

Sometime after i met someone else when i went to university. That boy became the love of my life and we have been together for 20 years. But it shaped the first few years of that relationship as i found it hard to trust, and to believe I was worthy of the love I was being given.

In a good way, I was venting to a friend about an issue I was experiencing with a family member and said something like “I’m trying to be a good person” (and therefore being a bit of a doormat)and she just said “why?”

It was a real moment of clarity for me, that I put so much effort into this toxic relationship and in a weird way quite enjoyed being a martyr because it reinforced my feelings of being the “good person”. The other person didn’t appreciate it, and it made me much happier when I stopped bending over backwards for them. And in turn, made our relationship much healthier.

The one instance I can think of and it's such a tiny fleeting moment in the other person's life but it's stayed with me for years. I was 22 and had just lost my mom the day before, after losing my dad the year previously and I had to go to the corner shop to get something small, milk I think, for all the relatives I knew would be coming to my house in the following days. As I left the shop, I passed a very tall man, (I am only 5ft) just as we walked next to each other he moved his arm to answer his mobile and somehow, his elbow connected with my face. He didn't apologise, just carried on walking and loudly talking, I imagine he didn't even know he'd done it. But I remember feeling so insignificant, and so tiny and small and vulnerable in that moment, and that I was going through the worst moments of my entire life so far and this fella was just answering his phone like it was a normal day. Cause it probably was a normal day to him. I think about it quite alot when I think back to that period of my life. You never know who is having the worst moment of their life when you walk past them in the street. It's taught me to be a bit kinder to strangers. To be aware and polite in my surroundings.

I'm sorry OP- I really recommend Paul Mckenna's audio book on anxiety.

He gives a great method to reduce the impact of words like that spoken years ago that we cannot seem to let go of and cause us years of anxiety later as a result.

What you do is, find a quiet space and calm your breathing. Close your eyes then imagine yourself back at the scene exactly as it was, only this time, as it's happening, turn her exact words into the most ridiculous, comical voice you can think of. So, she might be saying those words in a really high pitched squeaky Mickey Mouse voice or like someone sounds when they have inhaled helium gas.

Keep doing it until you feel like laughing - it really takes the emotion out of the event and it worked amazingly well for me to get rid of the emotional charge of negative words spoken to me that have affected me.