I can feel my Christmas meltdown coming

[Flowerslamp]

In theory I love Christmas. I enjoy parties and being around people, I find all people fascinating, but I am at eart an introvert, so whilst I enjoy socialising, I don't find it relaxing and need time to recover. Christmas always seems to end up overscheduled, even when I try not to.

DH died nearly 5 years ago and his birthday was during the Christmas period. Generally I'm OK, and have a new relationship, so it feels a bit much to be all woe is me over my deceased DH, but I do still very much feel the loss of my DC's father, and that is amplified at this time of year.

I have a quiet Christmas day with just DC and my parents, will see BF in the evening. Perfect. I have though, been in a social whirlwind for the last 3 weeks and last night I agreed to two more social things on 27th, plus DS1 leaves home and moves a long way away on 30th.

It's all good. All things I'm very much looking forward to individually, but it's all building.

And I've realised I haven't planned anything to mark DH's birthday this year.

I don't know own why I'm posting really. Maybe just trying to organise my thoughts.

New BF has been lovely and will either be with me and support whatever we do for DH or stay away, depending on what I want, but I don't actually know what that is!

Stop going to so many self inflicted parties

just stop, get off the busy ride and do some quiet centring things. Lone walks, early nights to bed, read a book, long baths, comedy films. Be honest with others and say you need quiet, you don’t feel so good so will hunker down for a bit and surface soon.

Do things differently next year too. The three week social whirlwind is unmanageable and a big part of the issue so think about what you really want to attend and what you can avoid to give yourself downtime in December, hopefully avoiding the same burnout next year. It all boils down to better self care

This

So far I've had 2 work parties (two jobs), 4 related to clubs/hobby groups I belong to and a friend's 60th birthday. I've enjoyed them all and it would have been hard to pick one (or more) to miss. It's not that I don't want to do these things, I would have been sad not to go.

Cancel the dos on the 27th - just say you forgot you had family stuff booked in

After 3 weeks of partying you need the wonderful suspended time of those peaceful days between C'mas and NY.

Plan whatever you like for your DH, chat to your kids about what they'd like

Get some fresh air, don't go completely made all day everyday on the booze and sugar

I haven't actually had that much alcohol. I've driven to most of the parties specifically to avoid the hangovers.

It’s not that, alcohol just adds another layer to all the emotional stuff. I don’t think anyone will mind if you don’t make the extra parties after Christmas. If they’re friends they will understand.

I can relate! I love Christmas, hosting, socialising but I’m an introvert too and whilst I enjoy those things I need time to recover. As I’ve got older the amount of quiet time I need seems to have increased. If it was me I would hunker down after Christmas. Cancel plans and spend it with your DS. Spend the time doing things that restore you and if you want to do something to mark your DH birthday then you can.

Also the last thing your DH would want is you stressing about how to mark his birthday. I think of my DM on her birthday, I might look at old photos or buy her favourite flowers. Sometimes I park next to her grave and play her favourite song or sometimes I just dance to it in the kitchen; doesn’t have to be a big thing.

It's difficult because of DC. I don't want them to think I've moved on and their Dad is forgotten, but in some ways I have. Also, it's difficult to know if they'd prefer to carry on as usual or whether they'd like to do something. They've both become very adept at telling me what they think will make my life easier since their dad died. 😪

Yes you have moved on but you will never forget. I think you need to have this chat with your DC. They will be moving on too and you can guide and lead by showing them it’s ok and that your DH will always be with you all.

I’m also very busy socially over December, you just need to work out how to create balance and find a quiet spot to remember your DH.