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Original poster

How do you deal with this type of 'debate' between siblings?

65 replies

coffeerevelsrule · 24/12/2025 07:54

I'm an only child so no experience of this to draw on from my own childhood, which mainly consisted of me and much older relatives.

DS1 and DS2 aged 18 and 16 are very different characters but do get on for the most part. DS1 is passionate about politics and so on and very interested in current affairs. DS2 is not and quite often says things to sort of wind us up, like 'I might vote Tory to annoy you,' or 'Who's Keir Starmer?' (He does know). He's gay, which is relevant.

Yesterday they had a discussion that got incredibly heated and left me feeling quite upset and unsure how to deal with it. Basically ds1 was saying that the white working class are as oppressed as other groups such as people of colour or people of the lgbtq community, and ds2 was saying this isn't the case and he would never feel empathy for any working class person who was homophobic - obviously not saying they all are but that if they are homophobic it would cancel out any oppression they themselves had experienced. DS1 was saying it would therefore be DS2's fault if we have a far right government in the future. Also, earlier on speaking of holidays, DS1 said he wouldn't come with us to Vietnam due to the political regime in place and when I said we'd be staying in Europe next year anyway DS2 said he wouldn't come to Krakow due to lack of gay rights and abortion laws and DS1 said Krakow would be top of his list.

Oh so Chrsitmassy....I don't know how to handle this type of thing. As I said, they do get on but now it feels like there are a million topics we need to steer away from at the moment. I don't think DS2 has these types of discussions with anyone other than us (mainly DS1 - I stay out of it increasingly) while DS1 is back from uni and ready to debate!

OP posts:
Doteycat · 27/12/2025 00:02

I dont deal with it I leave em to it.
We often have heated debates here on all sides of things.
But if one is deliberately goading the other, that gets shut down. Same as I would with any other adult at my table. Debate is acceptable. Abuse and petty goading is not.

LowkeyLoco · 27/12/2025 00:05

Jellycatspyjamas · 24/12/2025 07:59

They’re both old enough to get on with it, assuming it doesn’t descend into nastiness. I’d not be intervening much, other that to tell them to take the conversation away from me. They’re both working out who they are and forming their own views, and that’s going to involve debate, arguing black is white and generally being opinionated.

I’d come down hard on prejudice and out and out racism, homophobia etc but otherwise let them be.

I agree with this. I think it’s important to have these conversations at home to “test” one’s own sense of the world. Hearing opposing viewpoints is not a bad thing as long as it doesn’t become a personal attack. As a society we seem to be increasingly shying away from actual debate which is not a good thing.

LowkeyLoco · 27/12/2025 00:07

2chocolateoranges · 26/12/2025 23:33

We have a “rule” of no politics or religion chats in our home, they get far too heated and just spoils the overall feeling .

So where else should people be able to talk about such important issues if not in their own home?

whattheysay · 27/12/2025 00:18

I have this type of issue. One of the dc gets very het up when debating, she has strong views and when the siblings are involved it can get heated. Her views are ones we agree with and I can’t really complain as I’ve brought them all up that way however the issues are in her delivery which causes arguments. So I’ve been trying to teach her how to put her views across in a better manner as no-one listens to almost aggressive speech and not listening to the other person if their views don’t align with her own. Also to educate herself on the issues which concern her and the ‘other side’ too, know your subjects on both sides of the coin and then you can have a more measured conversation. Other people won’t share her views and she can’t change them but now should she try to she needs to be secure in her own views, be able to fully debate the issues and then move on. I try to reach this to all the dc

Pherian · 27/12/2025 00:41

coffeerevelsrule · 24/12/2025 07:54

I'm an only child so no experience of this to draw on from my own childhood, which mainly consisted of me and much older relatives.

DS1 and DS2 aged 18 and 16 are very different characters but do get on for the most part. DS1 is passionate about politics and so on and very interested in current affairs. DS2 is not and quite often says things to sort of wind us up, like 'I might vote Tory to annoy you,' or 'Who's Keir Starmer?' (He does know). He's gay, which is relevant.

Yesterday they had a discussion that got incredibly heated and left me feeling quite upset and unsure how to deal with it. Basically ds1 was saying that the white working class are as oppressed as other groups such as people of colour or people of the lgbtq community, and ds2 was saying this isn't the case and he would never feel empathy for any working class person who was homophobic - obviously not saying they all are but that if they are homophobic it would cancel out any oppression they themselves had experienced. DS1 was saying it would therefore be DS2's fault if we have a far right government in the future. Also, earlier on speaking of holidays, DS1 said he wouldn't come with us to Vietnam due to the political regime in place and when I said we'd be staying in Europe next year anyway DS2 said he wouldn't come to Krakow due to lack of gay rights and abortion laws and DS1 said Krakow would be top of his list.

Oh so Chrsitmassy....I don't know how to handle this type of thing. As I said, they do get on but now it feels like there are a million topics we need to steer away from at the moment. I don't think DS2 has these types of discussions with anyone other than us (mainly DS1 - I stay out of it increasingly) while DS1 is back from uni and ready to debate!

The only way you handle is to set boundaries of not having those types of discussions that are going to become heated and problematic in your house. Then stay out of it.

sussexman · 27/12/2025 00:46

I'd say let them talk, but set standards about how they disagree. Learning to express yourself well, to disagree well, and to respect others is a hugely important skill (and a rare one, sadly). A family is absolutely the best place to enable you to say what you want, allow you to be listened to even when there is disagreement, and promote good thinking.

tonightceilaimgoingtobe · 27/12/2025 00:48

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tonightceilaimgoingtobe · 27/12/2025 00:49

LowkeyLoco · 27/12/2025 00:07

So where else should people be able to talk about such important issues if not in their own home?

Show quote history

Reddit

Raeari · 27/12/2025 07:07

Keep it civil, but let them debate.

Utterly depressing how many people still try to keep politics out of the house when it is so damned important that people are engaged.

Creamteasandbumblebees · 27/12/2025 08:03

In our family we have a lot of strong personalities with passionate views, we now have a lighthearted family rule....when we are all together there will be no discussions on religion or politics! It works and family gatherings are now much more peaceful affairs!

BuildbyNumbere · 27/12/2025 08:49

Tell them to grow up, they are 18 and 16 and know nothing, you can tell that by some of the immature statements you say they have made. Also the 16 year old can’t vote so what’s he even talking about. Sounds like they were both up for a childish argument.

LowkeyLoco · 27/12/2025 09:14

tonightceilaimgoingtobe · 27/12/2025 00:49

Reddit

Show quote history

I’m hoping you’re attempting to be funny. Reddit is not the answer.

PloddingAlong21 · 27/12/2025 09:16

Think it’s great they can speak like this with one another at young ages and they are passionate in their beliefs. Let them go at it. Experiences shape us as people, our opinions and views also change as we grow and experience real life. They will be no different.

Tell them they can debate as much as they want but no place for it at the dinner table or when others are around who don’t wish to partake in the chat. That’s basic manners. Also tell them it’s important to LISTEN to other view points, so respecting each other.

The issue with the vast majority is we sit in echo chambers. We hang out with people of the same political views as us, watch news which often resemble our own opinions and rarely do we listen to opposing views - really listen. We argue. Tell them the value in listening, especially your older one if he wants a career in it.

LowkeyLoco · 27/12/2025 09:19

BuildbyNumbere · 27/12/2025 08:49

Tell them to grow up, they are 18 and 16 and know nothing, you can tell that by some of the immature statements you say they have made. Also the 16 year old can’t vote so what’s he even talking about. Sounds like they were both up for a childish argument.

I really hope you don’t work with or spend much time around young people. They have just as much right to debate these issues as anybody else because they are members of society just like you or I. And the 16 year old will be able to vote at the next GE so it’s vital they meaningfully engage with political debate. It’s not childish and approaches like yours go some way to highlight the apathy that exists in this country.

Original poster
coffeerevelsrule · 27/12/2025 09:21

Thanks all. I do love that we have these discussions and previously it has always been me and ds1 debating with ds2 not really interested. He has recently become a lot more politically aware but mainly of issues that link to his sexuality, which gives it a personal element which is what I find a bit upsetting. DS1 is certainly not homophobic but DS2 will say things like, 'You can't understand this as a straight, white male,' and expect that to just be the end of the discussion, which DS1 obviously doesn't accept. Them getting on is so important to me and I hate it when I get the impression that anything could come between that but I wouldn't want to ban talk of politics as it is a big part of our lives and I agree that talking in the family is a good way of airing views and being challenged in a 'safe' way. DS2 is very shy and tends to just go along with what his friends say and I think DS1 is the only person his age he will challenge and I hope doing that will make him more confident with others over time.

However, they are also rewatching a cartoon show from their childhood together from the start and were up until 1am together on Christmas night talking and laughing, so hopefully they are ok!

OP posts:
SamphiretheTervosaur · 27/12/2025 09:25

You tell them its your house and you don't want to hear them bickering

They can discuss, debate, argue all they want to in the privacy of their rooms or outside the house. You simply will not tolerate their ruining any family time with it.

They both need to learn when is not an appropriate moment to centre the world kn their nascent politicking. Its a social skill we all had to learn

ViciousCurrentBun · 27/12/2025 09:42

I’m one of 6 and myself and all the 5 sisters often met up, many a debate took place about politics and many other issues, that got very noisy sometimes. My brother didn’t live near us, poor bloke was often overwhelmed just having so many sisters.

What they are doing is fine, ultimately their relationship will be between them. I have friends across the political spectrum. It’s unhealthy living in an echo chamber. I dodge extremists on both ends though.

BuildbyNumbere · 27/12/2025 14:27

LowkeyLoco · 27/12/2025 09:19

I really hope you don’t work with or spend much time around young people. They have just as much right to debate these issues as anybody else because they are members of society just like you or I. And the 16 year old will be able to vote at the next GE so it’s vital they meaningfully engage with political debate. It’s not childish and approaches like yours go some way to highlight the apathy that exists in this country.

Show quote history

No, it’s the younger generation thinking they know everything, when actually they know nothing. And one saying they won’t go somewhere because of gay rights, only for the other to answer that it’s top of his list to visit, it’s immature and clearly argumentative.

Lovenliving · 27/12/2025 14:30

I would say that they both seem ignorant but we often are as young people and you will see that the world isnt as simple as political memes and tik tok make it seem

LowkeyLoco · 27/12/2025 14:31

BuildbyNumbere · 27/12/2025 14:27

No, it’s the younger generation thinking they know everything, when actually they know nothing. And one saying they won’t go somewhere because of gay rights, only for the other to answer that it’s top of his list to visit, it’s immature and clearly argumentative.

Show quote history

By that reckoning maybe the older generation should pipe down because they’ve had their time and made a royal mess of things so it’s time for the younger generation to take charge? Or maybe, just maybe, it’s not a generation war and everybody has a right to an opinion seeing as we all live in society? Get a grip.

Doteycat · 27/12/2025 14:41

BuildbyNumbere · 27/12/2025 08:49

Tell them to grow up, they are 18 and 16 and know nothing, you can tell that by some of the immature statements you say they have made. Also the 16 year old can’t vote so what’s he even talking about. Sounds like they were both up for a childish argument.

This is so ignorant and patronising a statement its breathtaking.
Some of the best debates/converstations/chats ive had have been with my kids and their mates as they grow up.
You know who are the experts on what its like to live as a gay teen in the 2020s during a pandemic? A gay teen whos been through the pandemic.
Same with living with Social Media, they can and do teach us so much about what its like to navigate their lives with it, and ive learned so much from them about it.

I can balance and help and advise with my experience, but they are the ones living it .
To say they know nothing, well i think its clear whos ignorant here.

BuildbyNumbere · 27/12/2025 15:09

Doteycat · 27/12/2025 14:41

This is so ignorant and patronising a statement its breathtaking.
Some of the best debates/converstations/chats ive had have been with my kids and their mates as they grow up.
You know who are the experts on what its like to live as a gay teen in the 2020s during a pandemic? A gay teen whos been through the pandemic.
Same with living with Social Media, they can and do teach us so much about what its like to navigate their lives with it, and ive learned so much from them about it.

I can balance and help and advise with my experience, but they are the ones living it .
To say they know nothing, well i think its clear whos ignorant here.

Show quote history

They know nothing … wait until they join the real world and get a wake up call.

BuildbyNumbere · 27/12/2025 15:11

LowkeyLoco · 27/12/2025 14:31

By that reckoning maybe the older generation should pipe down because they’ve had their time and made a royal mess of things so it’s time for the younger generation to take charge? Or maybe, just maybe, it’s not a generation war and everybody has a right to an opinion seeing as we all live in society? Get a grip.

Show quote history

They’ll leave uni soon and join the real world … then they’ll get a wake up call. Seen it a million times! Walking into jobs as a graduate thinking they know it all and expecting to run the company within a week, all the “menial” tasks beneath them … we’ll see how far their debating skills can get them 🤣

Doteycat · 27/12/2025 15:12

BuildbyNumbere · 27/12/2025 15:09

They know nothing … wait until they join the real world and get a wake up call.

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Oh dear.
So now they are all adults in their mid 20s.
And now they are so incredibly aware, educated, empathic, politically and socially aware, its astounding.
About as astounding as you are....

LowkeyLoco · 27/12/2025 15:16

BuildbyNumbere · 27/12/2025 15:11

They’ll leave uni soon and join the real world … then they’ll get a wake up call. Seen it a million times! Walking into jobs as a graduate thinking they know it all and expecting to run the company within a week, all the “menial” tasks beneath them … we’ll see how far their debating skills can get them 🤣

Show quote history

Oh honey who hurt you? It’s okay you can tell us. Was it one of those jumped up young’uns who don’t know what the “real world” is like? Was a pesky graduate promoted above you or something?