Last minute plan for Christmas - help me decide

[Justrunwiththetypo]

Short story: I’ve planned for Xmas for just me and my man and his mother had now said she’s expecting us at theirs. I’m not sure what to do.

long story: I live overseas and have no family here so Christmas is usually spent with my partner’s family (parents, his sister and her partner, their 7-year old). We don’t have kids ourselves.

it’s about a 3 hour drive from ours to theirs and they all live close together so we always go to them.

His family are notoriously crap at planning and everything is last minute. This is the same for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter etc. Usually I ask what the plan is, follow up etc We all get on well but it’s not really a close relationship - all fine when we see each other but limited contact otherwise. My man probably speaks to his parents every couple of weeks and his sister less frequently.

This year his sister and I had been communicating in mid-November about Xmas and she said she was happy to host. Subsequently her MIL has arrived from overseas unannounced and she’s been under pressure from work, her partner not been too well, kid etc and now the MIL staying unexpectedly for 3 weeks.

Last week my man’s dad called to say that his sister wasn’t up for a big Xmas and we’d be getting together on the 27th instead. Not sure whether they were all planning to be together and just us essentially uninvited or if nobody was seeing anyone else on Xmas day.

I was disappointed at first because we usually have a nice day together; all very low key and because we’re down under we don’t do a traditional Xmas dinner and we all bring dishes to share the load.

i’d got over the disappointment and planned a really nice Xmas for just us. Have spent a fortune on really nice food for us, keeping it easy (a couple of nice salad I’m going to make, loads of cheeses and olives and fancy dips and crackers, cold meats, pizza bases etc). Planning to spend tomorrow prepping ahead most of it and making some healthy cakes and slices too).

now his mum has called my man to check if we’re going on Xmas day. It’s not clear to me whether his dad made a mistake, my man misunderstood or the plan has changed. But the upshot is, they want us there and I don’t know what to do.

On the one hand I’ve planned our day and was looking forward to it, have sorted all our food and it’s not really stuff we can take and share (they are a mix of super healthy/vegan/fussy types so I make really different things when we’re going three). Plus it’s a 3 hour drive each way and my man won’t even be home from work until Xmas eve night so will have a long drive home late then wed have to get up early to go on Xmas day. It feels annoying and inconvenient to change. I’d need to come up with ideas for food to take and go back to the shops again tomorrow and make stuff to take. I vowed I wasn’t setting foot in a supermarket on Xmas Eve!

On the other hand it’s nice to be with family and apparently our niece is excited about seeing us.

Do I say tough shit, should’ve confirmed the plan ahead ago and it’s not convenient now for us?

Or should I suck it up and pivot so we can go?

Stay at home with your man, a three hour drive to their house & another three hour drive back is not going to do either of you good. had they asked you weeks ago it may have been different.

Thanks @Kittylicker I don’t think they appreciate the impact of the drive. We moved this year (used to be 1.5 hours drive) and every time we’ve done it’s been a big day and no invitation to stay (although often a comment ‘you could have stayed’ when we start to leave!)

Didn't you tell her that you'd been uninvited and swapped to 27th instead? So now you had plans and a fridge full so you're sticking to the 27th?

The “my man” thing is really annoying.

@ThroughTheRedDoor I believe that’s essentially what my man said - but it sounds like she out on a little pressure by saying our niece is really excited about seeing us.

We’ll talk about again in the morning it’s late and he has an early start (and he’s away with work just now so have only spoken on the phone about it)

Op I think you are well within your rights to stay at home and celebrate Christmas how you wish.

Did your partner ask his parents why they are contradicting each other? One inviting you and one not?

Are you still in direct communication with his sister?

Tbh they have all chopped and changed so much I think you are well within your rights to say that something like “I’m really sorry but we weren’t sure what was happening as we had received three different communications from three different people and so now we’ve made our own plans”

Maybe that will encourage them to make their plans clearer next year!

Even without all of the constant pivoting - which could indicate some sort of stress or overwhelm behind the scenes. I think you and your partner are well within your rights to take a year out and do your own thing every so often. I would use this year as an opportunity to instigate that tradition in fact so you don’t always automatically go to your partners family!

Thanks @Citronellacompostella really appreciate your thoughts.

I’m not sure if he asked his mum about the contradiction. It was already quite late when we spoke so we said we’d figure it out tomorrow. I’ll ask more when we talk in the morning.

Id rather stay at home to prevent a lot of inconvenience and hassle but I’m feeling really rotten about our niece. I hate feeling guilty or obliged to do something. Aargh!

I can understand you feeling guilty about your niece but it isn’t your fault that you’ve been messed about. That’s the responsibility of the other adults.

However, you could fix a date to visit later in the NY, so your niece doesn’t have long to wait.

Whatever you do, be emphatic about it and don’t waver. Even if they are upset initially, they will get used to the idea. Also, sorry, but it sounds like they are only considering you and your dp in all this as an afterthought and that you will be the ones forever pivoting. I think if you make a stand this year, things will be easier in future.

The "my man" thing is really funny sorry 😂

You say "we were told we were all meeting on the 27th now, so we've arranged other plans" and then you do what you've planned. It really is that simple.

I thought exactly the same