My weird relationship with Christmas. Can anyone relate?

[Billower]

Hi everyone,

i’m trying to understand my strange relationship with Christmas as an adult, and just wondered if anybody else feels the same?

As a child, I absolutely loved Christmas. I can remember feeling almost depressed when it was over and had to take the decorations down. My love of Christmas has continued into adulthood. I look forward to the festive season.

The problem I have is that when the season is here, I have this weird feeling of guilt and almost desperation to re-create things that happened during Christmases years ago. I think a lot of it relates to the fact that Christmas was such a happy time for me as a child.

an example of what I’m talking about is Christmas films. There are certain Christmas films that I just have to watch and if I haven’t watched them before Christmas Day, I feel as I have failed. I know that probably says absolutely crazy. It sounds crazy to me. You’re writing it down but for example I always like to watch home alone and I’m conscious I haven’t watched it yet. There are also certain things I like to do with my son, for example, going to the Christmas market, going out for walks looking at Christmas lights, play the old Christmas LPs on the vinyl player. These are all lovely things but when I do get round to doing them I just feel a sense of relief that I’ve managed to get it done!!

I also keep thinking back to happy Christmas memories from years ago and feel sad that I’m unlikely to feel this again. When I’ve tried to recreate these memories I end upset and disappointed.

it’s such a strange thing. Today I feel sad that it’s almost here and I don’t feel that I’ve made the most of December. I’m not like this in any other area of my life.

it’s as though I’m chasing the perfect Christmas that doesn’t exist.

can anyone relate?

I think that's quite a common thing, trying to recreate what are halcyon days (in your imagination), whether it's about Christmas or the prefect romantic break, or perfect camping trip.

It's quite damaging as you note, if you don't give things fresh air, they do rot.

This year, I'd look at your list of to dos and pick the ones that actually deliver. For next year spend some time thinking about the Christmas you'd like for your life now, ask your child what they'd like, drop some things, try some new things - you need to create your own traditions and not be too perfect about them.

Yes 100%!!

What would happen if you tried to do something different for Christmas, several different things rather than re-create Christmas past?
eg watch a different film, play different seasonal music, go to a church service, watch a tractor run, go to the pub for pre-dinner drinkies (shhh my secret here: DH and the children go to visit a relative on DH's side Christmas mid day while I cook, in reality there's not much to do so I pop down the pub briefly with my neighbours/go to the neighbours for drinks) etc etc etc

I think a lot of it stems from me trying to use Christmas as a distraction and a break from my usual life. I am very unhappy and Christmas offers me some respite From my life

Sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to recreate that enjoyment you had when you were younger. What would happen if you relaxed a bit, and let things unfold more naturally? Maybe the pressure is what’s stopping you fully engage.

I think you need to invent your own Christmas traditions so the focus is on doing something new and fun rather than on recreating something old.

I feel this to a certain extent….. the movie that makes me feel super festive is the Polar Express. So last year I wanted to save it for Christmas Eve….but the day/night was so busy that I didn’t get to watch it at all! And I was so disappointed! This year I’ve already watched it!

“it’s as though I’m chasing the perfect Christmas that doesn’t exist.”

OP, I think that’s true for quite a lot of people, and Christmas is in consequence a bit of a let-down. When my DC were little, we used to go to my DM’s for Christmas - she had a big house and there was room for me and my siblings and all the DGC, so it was as much the fact that there were a number of adults who would be interested in the DC, and that they got to see all their cousins. But in their heads is this vision of the perfect Christmas that never actually existed, so that now it’s as though it always falls short. It’s better now they are starting to have their own DC, but it’s as though there is a perfect, unattainable Christmas somewhere and if we try hard enough, we might find it!

I can’t relate, but it’s completely understandable why you’re doing it. But when the enjoyment comes from ticking it off a list, rather than because you enjoy it, you’re pretty much guaranteeing that you’re not going to be having that wonderful Christmas.

Do you actually enjoy Home Alone? Or is it sitting down together to watch a Christmas film? Do you enjoy traipsing around a Christmas market? Or is it time spent with your family and having fun together? Do you think it might help to substitute stuff? Instead of watching Home Alone, get your DC to choose a Christmas film. Instead of going to a Christmas market, agree an activity together as a family. Whether it’s carol singing or a game of tennis.

I think you need to work on your rwl life instead of putting so much effort into distraction like Xmas.

In a way you are doing what we all do - if I watch that film, get that job, have a perfect house, get cosmetic surgery - I’ll be happy.

As already said, maybe it’s just distraction because of what’s going on in the rest of your life - but we all do that by chasing those dopamine hits - via screens, alcohol etc. Watching a Christmas movie is a lot safer than seeking it via alcohol like some people do.

The main thing is that you’ve recognised it. Maybe a more significant feeling of happiness may be achieved by creating this for your child - which may or may not be what you have enjoyed. For many adults the magic of Christmas only happens again when they see Christmas through their child’s eye.

I think DH has a similar thing. Various examples but yesterday we were discussing the last bits we needed to buy for Christmas dinner and he got quite worked up trying to work out whether they are normally in there or not - e.g. different types of veg/sides. My take is if you'd enjoy it then let's get it, but he seems anxious not to stray from anything they did as children, as if it's a magic formula. Similarly, there are certain Christmas films/TV programmes he really wants to watch with the DC as he loved them, but I'm not sure they'd be so fussed about them yet.

That sounds a bit scathing of me but not intended that way at all! Just interesting how the brain works. I'm at the other end of the scale where I'm also keen for everyone to enjoy it but for me that comes from not imposing too rigid a structure that you risk not being able to follow.

I had to check if i’d written this!

I’m exactly the same and I’ve really noticed it this year and not liked it. I do a list on my phone of all the xmas films I must watch with Dd, the books to read, the places & activities to do..everything, it’s exhausting and i’m not doing it next year. I’m going to attempt to go with the flow and just try to be in the moment
I’m too intense in wanting xmas to be special for Dd especially, my parents didn’t really do any of the things we do and I have very happy memories
Mine has been getting worse as I live abroad and really want those British Christmas memories for Dd that she sadly just won’t have