Coercive and maybe physical control

[crazystar]

I’ve known my brother-in-law to be volatile and angry for many years – long before he was married (he’s my husband’s brother). Because of this, we’ve deliberately created some distance; he isn’t a healthy presence, especially with young children around.

I’m aware that he is verbally abusive towards my sister-in-law, and this has worsened since they had their first child. What’s even more worrying is that I fear the abuse may have become physical. I’ve noticed what look like bruises, though it’s difficult to be certain, particularly in winter when it’s easier to cover up.

Due to ongoing tensions, I now see her only a few times a month, but I don’t want her to feel isolated and I want to be able to support her. My husband has advised me to stay out of it; years ago he intervened when his brother behaved similarly with an ex-girlfriend, and as a result his parents and brother have never treated him the same since.

what would you do to help ?

Make sure she knows that you are aware that the brother has form for being abusive and that others in the family don't give a shit but you are there if she needs someone.

Then read your husband the riot act and cool things with your in-laws.

Thank you

my husband and in laws won’t do anything so not sure it’s worth saying anything to them.

Make it very clear that she can talk to you about anything, and that you will believe her. Any time of the day or night if there is a crisis.

And I'd be telling husband that I would do the right thing by her and that the in laws could fuck right off. I simply could not stand by and do nothing.

This is such a difficult position to be in. I think the most important thing is to stay connected to her in a non-confrontational way, so she knows she isn’t alone. Let her know you’re there, that you believe her, and that she can talk to you without pressure or judgement. Directly challenging him could put her at more risk, but quiet support, checking in, and gently signposting help if she opens up can make a real difference. Sometimes just knowing someone sees what’s happening and cares is a lifeline.

Let her know that you are there for her. She may open up now, in three months, 6 months, a year. But she will when she is ready. Let her know that you are there for her anytime she needs to talk, day or night. I wouldn't be happy with my dh if he said keep out of it, and would be having a stern word. Would also change my view of my in-laws too. Thank you for looking out for her, more people need to look out for these situations, not turn a blind eye because they don't want to get involved.