Watching a friend drift into being “that parent” at school

StayceGerste · 2025-12-22T07:09:49+00:00

This isn’t about me directly, more something I’ve noticed happening. A friend at the school gates has gradually become very intense about everything. Constantly comparing kids, questioning teachers, messaging the class WhatsApp at all hours. Other parents have started avoiding her, though she doesn’t seem to realise. It’s uncomfortable to watch because she’s not a bad person, just very anxious and over involved.

HollyhockDays · 22/12/2025 07:33

How close a friend? Is there something that has set her off in particular.

TheBlueHedgehog · 22/12/2025 07:50

What's your question?

Depending on how good a friend she is, you could mention she seems a bit stressed lately and ask if everything's OK/if she wants to go for a coffee. She may open up.

peoplesuckpeoplesuck · 22/12/2025 08:00

Meh, once the kids get to secondary and you have no school gate / don’t see the teachers to talk to / have no idea what’s going on other than a brief report once a year if you’re lucky, all this will be pointless. Don’t sweat it. Honestly, primary school parents crack me up when they’re like this, it’s so unimportant.

minipie · 22/12/2025 08:02

Are you asking if you should say anything to her?

If just a “school gate friend” as your OP suggests, ie you only speak at the school gates, then no.

If a better friend - ie you meet up/ chat / message away from school - then maybe but very cautiously.

Frynye · 22/12/2025 08:03

Is she being “that parent” or is she advocating for her child. There is a big difference

BrokenSunflowers · 22/12/2025 08:14

Does her child have SEN (or could they, as she might not tell you)? It sounds like something is concerning her about her child and the teachers may not be being upfront with her, or at least she thinks the aren’t, so she is trying to get information other ways. Maybe try asking her if she has concerns? It can be very isolating being a parent of an SEN child - you inevitably become ‘that parent’ in order to advocate for support.

MumoftwoNC · 22/12/2025 08:18

You don't know whats going on. My dc went through a (thankfully brief) phase of being desperately unhappy at school and I was driven a bit wild with worry, asking for meetings with the teacher and school nurse etc. Cried at those meetings. I probably came across as "intense" to the other mums. I don't really give a shit what they thought tbh.

Coffeeishot · 22/12/2025 08:22

Do you want to say something to her is that what you are asking?

EatYourDamnPie · 22/12/2025 08:22

It could be that you’re not close enough to see that there is a reason behind the change. My friend’s daughter is being badly bullied this year and the school have been utterly shit at dealing with it, the teacher going as far as telling her that one boy did x,y,z because he likes her. Despite previously loving the school (for years), she’s now looking at moving schools/homeschooling.

Sartre · 22/12/2025 08:23

It’s intense to push this on other parents, irrespective of what your child is going through. If they have SEN, she is right to advocate on behalf of her child to the school but not to other random parents at the gate.

I work FT so my DC are usually in breakfast and afterschool club meaning I get to avoid these politics- thank God. I was off last week so went to collect DC and couldn’t wrap my head around one of the Mum’s who has a gaggle of other mum/grans even surrounding her like she’s the messiah. It was very Amanda from Motherland. She was loudly boasting about bullshit, clearly super insecure and the others were just enraptured by her. I found it kind of funny.

MumoftwoNC · 22/12/2025 08:24

Before confronting her about it, I'd examine your motivations - it sounds like you're coming from a place of judging her or wanting her to conform to some kind of expectation of how she ought to be engaging with the whatsapp group. Maybe you're embarrassed by association as she's your friend.

It's not coming from a place of genuine concern, so back off.

BrokenSunflowers · 22/12/2025 08:29

Sartre · 22/12/2025 08:23

It’s intense to push this on other parents, irrespective of what your child is going through. If they have SEN, she is right to advocate on behalf of her child to the school but not to other random parents at the gate.

I work FT so my DC are usually in breakfast and afterschool club meaning I get to avoid these politics- thank God. I was off last week so went to collect DC and couldn’t wrap my head around one of the Mum’s who has a gaggle of other mum/grans even surrounding her like she’s the messiah. It was very Amanda from Motherland. She was loudly boasting about bullshit, clearly super insecure and the others were just enraptured by her. I found it kind of funny.

Well you sound nice.

Fundays12 · 22/12/2025 08:32

peoplesuckpeoplesuck · 22/12/2025 08:00

Meh, once the kids get to secondary and you have no school gate / don’t see the teachers to talk to / have no idea what’s going on other than a brief report once a year if you’re lucky, all this will be pointless. Don’t sweat it. Honestly, primary school parents crack me up when they’re like this, it’s so unimportant.

I havea secondary child and omg the antics of the group of parents when he was in primary were ridiculous. Pushing friendships between nearly secondary age kids because they were friends, arranging play dates together at 11 years old, believing there kids were perfect angels (they horrendous bullies) whilst criticising genuinely nice kids behaviour. DC1 was delighted to see the back of those kids and I was delighted to see the back of the parents. He went to a different secondary so I never cross paths with then all.

My younger dcs are in a different primary. Its got loads of busy working parents and very little drama. Its fantastic

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 22/12/2025 11:01

I'd suggest seeing if you can focus her on something else, talk to her about work or something non child related. Alternatively she might have just cause, I was that person, my child had send, the school missed it, he spiralled, became very ill and we moved schools- now I barely speak to anyone other than parents evening as he's chilled, happy and supported. Maybe she has her reasons and needs a handhold/compassion or maybe she needs something else to focus on (e.g. if she's obsessed over who has their pen license yet). The problem is people with genuine issues often get observed and treated like the nutty types wanting their kid on level 5 not level 4 of the reading scheme.... if you're a true friend, find out which it is and either distract her or support her!

Poppingby · 22/12/2025 11:02

If she's an actual friend, why not ask her for a coffee and ask her directly if she's ok because she seems a bit stressed out and anxious.

If she's not really a friend just leave her to it.

Original poster

StayceGerste · 25/12/2025 01:33

MumoftwoNC · 22/12/2025 08:18

You don't know whats going on. My dc went through a (thankfully brief) phase of being desperately unhappy at school and I was driven a bit wild with worry, asking for meetings with the teacher and school nurse etc. Cried at those meetings. I probably came across as "intense" to the other mums. I don't really give a shit what they thought tbh.

That’s fair, and I’m not judging her intentions at all. I know anxiety about your own child can tip you into a very different headspace, and from the outside it can look “intense” when actually it’s just worry and fear driving it.
I suppose my point wasn’t about what other parents think, more about how visible that shift can be when someone is really struggling. You’re right though — none of us actually know what’s going on behind the scenes, and if your child’s unhappy then other mums’ opinions really don’t matter.

OP posts:

Original poster

StayceGerste · 25/12/2025 01:35

EatYourDamnPie · 22/12/2025 08:22

It could be that you’re not close enough to see that there is a reason behind the change. My friend’s daughter is being badly bullied this year and the school have been utterly shit at dealing with it, the teacher going as far as telling her that one boy did x,y,z because he likes her. Despite previously loving the school (for years), she’s now looking at moving schools/homeschooling.

I get that, and I’m very aware there could be something going on that I’m not privy to. At the same time, it’s hard not to react to what you actually see day to day. I’m not judging her for being worried about her child — we’d all lose our minds if our kid was unhappy at school.

OP posts:

Gabby8 · 26/12/2025 19:53

What is she messaging in the wassap? The being anxious and speaking to teachers/parents to try and resolve something is one thing, but the all hours wassaps are ridiculous.