Can I get some advice please about Xmas day

[Catbrations]

I usually stay at home and it's usually more often than not just me and my mother. My siblings are usually living abroad. This year it's just me and her.

For a few years my mother was moody at Xmas time. One year she decided she didn't want to put up any decorations, another year she got pissed off the fact a sibling was too hungover to enjoy Xmas and the day after Xmas she went into a silent temper tantrum throwing boxes around the sitting room to passive aggressively order me to pack away decorations and she packed the dorcations away. Another year the cooker was broken but I prepared a Christmas meal in the slow cooker and steamer and refused to have anything that I cooked. This year she has ordered no Xmas lights on the tree.

This year has been particularly hard on me. She's aging and she's just not right at times and I am suspecting dementia but I don't have a diagnosis. A lot of her behaviours are so so so odd. She can still manage a lot but there can be some nasty in her too.

My partner asked me if I wanted to spend Xmas day with him and his family and have dinner at his place. I never explained any of this to my partner by the way so he is not aware of this to be honest.

I was thinking I would spend Xmas with my partner.

It looks like my mother might be getting excited for Xmas now and she is planning on making an effort. The Xmas food shop is done online by me and she is planning a meal. It's only me and her at home so it will be low key, likely a chicken with trimmings.

Now I feel guilty about possibly going to my partners house and leaving my mother alone for the day.

I am torn about what to do.

Do I cancel visiting my partner. I could also visit him boxing day and spend the day with him there.

Alternatively, he eats early about 1pm and we always eat late - like 4 or 5.

Another possibilty is dinner with my partner at his house for about 1 or 2 followed by another meal at home 😂😂😂😂😂😂. I'd be stuffed.

What do you think?

Me, personallyz what I would really love to do and celebrate the day off from work with morning mimosas and start getting merry with my knitting for the day and eat pizza for the day.

Is there any way your partner would invite your mum for Christmas Day as well? We always found it so difficult knowing parents were on their own on xmas day (and both sets were divorced) so we just invited them all over together. Our fathers both died many years ago now, but we still had both mothers for xmas day for the next 30 years.

Christmas dinner with your Mum
Boxing day with your partner & his family
27th knitting, mimosas & pizza 🎄

Either way you have left it a bit late to drop it on her now. It isn't like she could really plan anything else for the day is it?

Far too late to bin bag your mum

Even if I have her notice, she wouldnt plan anything else or go anywhere else or visit anyone else. She would stay at home. She can be so awkward.

He would but my mother wouldn't go. She is so odd and difficult.

'bin bag your mum' 😂😂😂😂😂

Your mother’s odd moods and tantrums sound awful but I think it’s too late to declare that you have other plans. Next year though….

Any chance she’s clued up to the fact you might go to your partners? It wouldn’t be unusual for people who can be emotionally manipulative (refusing to eat food cooked in the ‘wrong’ way, making you take down decorations you didn’t want to etc) to turn on the pick me dance when they think their control is failing, but they can never live it through and will revert back to their normal selves probably on the day and you’ll regret turning your partner down.

I don’t think I could leave my mum alone for
christmas - could you go to your partners later
on in the evening and spend Christmas night and Boxing Day with him?

Has your partner just asked you now? If your mum thinks you are having Christmas dinner with her, I think it's too late to change plans. But definitely go see your partner on Boxing Day; if it's not far you could also perhaps stop in in the morning or evening on Christmas Day, avoiding both his and your families' Christmas dinners.

She has no idea. I never said anything. She wouldn't know that I was asked.

Spend it with your mother. For whatever reason, she finds Christmas Day difficult she does. I’d just silently eye roll and eat some more Pringles or whatever. Do a bit more knitting.
Spend Boxing Day with your partner and pretend it’s Christmas Day! That way you get two.

As a grown up you can celebrate Christmas on whichever day you like. So spend one day with your mum and one with your partner. Doesn’t really matter what the number is on the calendar that day. This is the first year one of my DCs won’t be home on Xmas day so we’ll celebrate the next day. The other DCs are happy to wait and open gifts on 26th and they’re too old for the Santa stuff now anyway! Have a lovely festive season and make sure you get your ideal day of knitting and pizza at some point too. Sounds idyllic!