I need a therapist - all my relationships are turning to shit

[teaandtoastwouldbenice]

How do you go about choosing a therapist? I really need someone to do more than listen, I want someone to unpick.
In the last few years it’s feels like all of my relationships are failing. My mum voiced her dislike for me as an adult, in front of me - apparently I was a lovely child. I hold onto what I can of a relationship with her, my dad is full of disdain for me and so superior, my sister is very up and down. My marriage of a million years is falling apart - 2 good friends have ghosted me. Tonight I went out with other school friends who had such racist views, I just can’t see them again.

Im worried that my relationship with my children (which is very strong) could fall apart and history repeats itself.

i work in the world of understanding brains/relationships/families/therapeutic support and I don’t need someone counselling me because Im a trained counsellor (not my profession) but I need to make sense of what’s going so wrong.

What about family systems therapist?

they would be able to help you unpick the system - like roles and narratives and alliances - what is going on and why you feel
as you do

That’s a really good idea

You start by saying you need a therapist, and end by saying you ‘don’t need someone counselling me’
Yoo sound very defensive which is a closed position. Try being more open so people can get in

My friend is one such therapist - I had a couple of hours with her after my husband died in Hospital - the first stages of grief can make you turn all blame on yourself - she was able to name all the different systems and politics in the hospital from what I told her and were I sat in each - we even came up with a mantra about what I did in a very tough situation- contained, remained, withstood

it was amazing - it really helped me so much not blame myself

also looking at my own family system and how I’m excluded and what I’m up against

I’m glad you think it may help

I mean I don’t need someone kindly listening to me - I want feedback and input. i absolutely want to be open and constructive. I’m the opposite of closed - but I’m very used in my work to listening nicely and that in itself can help but I want real constructive advice.

What about more of a psychology take then

clinical psychologist who can apply diff theories to what’s going on

@MrsDoomesPattersenim sorry for your experience but im pleased you had that friend there. It sounds so beneficial.

I’m seeing a psychotherapist who specialises in trauma. I’ve been diagnosed with CPTSD (which I suspected). Therapy is a combination of things and includes counselling and EMDR.

Honestly, it has been the best thing ever. All my stuff originates from childhood, my family and not being heard. It has affected all of my relationships and life for years but has been really bad in the last few years. I do feel like I am turning a corner and wish I hadn’t waited so long. Sounds like we might be in a similar boat?

@MrsZiggywinklethats sounds really interesting but also productive and exactly what I need! I want change. I want happy, healthy relationships - and I do have some that I hold dear. But tonight hearing my ‘friend’ speak so dreadfully, I thought I need to also say enough and not just take endless crap.

Lots of therapists do EMDR as well so good luck

I had this for complex pTsD really helped

This is exactly what I’m getting. A lot of what I have been up against is power dynamics. People trying to control situations. Most of the time I haven’t even realised it until she’s explained the psychology behind things and why I’ve then reacted in the way I have because of my family background.

I’ve been given lots of strategies for dealing with things, the importance of calming and grounding and EMDR to rewire the trauma.

We have talked about a lot of things but it’s mainly to get the stories out about exactly what is going on rather than her kindly listening to me. Honestly, it’s so nice to have someone totally on your side who just gets it.

There is a type of therapy called DIT (dynamic interpersonal therapy) which is good for understanding relationship problems.
Its not advice giving - but it does help to understand what kind of relationship issues are repeating and why.

I would try a well trained psychotherapist, probably with a psychodynamic or integrative training, that uses psychodynamic alongside other things. Look for a UKCP registered psychotherapist.