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Is my friend a user, how would you feel?

18 replies

Fatfreefatball · 19/12/2025 20:49

I have a longstanding friend of 20+ years and she has been a good friend where we have supported each other through things like deaths, relationship breakups etc. I live in the same town as her, whereas her other friends are far away.
However, over the past few years, I get the feeling that I'm always the one she turns to when she wants a favour.

I have done things like pick up shopping when she's ill, walk the dog, pick up bulky items or go to the tip. Now to be fair, she has always paid me petrol money or cooked a meal in return and I have been happy to help. She has also helped me out when I was incapacitated. But over the last few days, I did her a massive favour and just feel used. .

I'm self employed and was working from home this week. She called me one day to say she had broken down and could I come and collect her. Apparently, the breakdown service could not attend for six hours and she had a job that evening she could not afford to miss (works on contract). So I drove there and home and lost 1.5 hours of work time.

I had to return her early to her car the next day and wait around until the breakdown van reappeared. Another 2.5 hours of my day gone. So I drove over 100 miles in total and wasted an afternoon. Friend had said she was quoted £75 for a taxi there and back. She was very, very grateful, thanked me and said that of course she would give me £20 towards petrol. I was fine with this but then she said she had no cash on her and would drop it off later. Nothing has been offered. To be honest, I would have been happy with a token gesture, say a box of chocs, as a thank you for the time and petrol I lost.

I am secretly seething because of the disruption it caused me and the fact she made a big deal of giving petrol money (told me 3 times she would do this) then just ignored it. I know she doesn"t have much money but then neither do I. I saved her the cost of the taxi and ensured she got paid for her evening job. How would you feel in these circumstances?

OP posts:
DirtyGertiefromno30 · 19/12/2025 20:52

I would feel used too .
I think you need to tell her how used you felt . Be honest with her and see what she says back to you , perhaps she has genuinely forgotten.

SparklyGlitterballs · 19/12/2025 21:04

Yeah I'd feel used in this situation. You saved her £75 but in the process cost yourself more in petrol money and 4hrs of lost working time. Maybe don't be so available to her next time she needs a favour.

vincettenoir · 19/12/2025 21:10

If she has regularly paid for petrol before and seemed grateful for your help my guess is that she is planning to make it up to you but has just been delayed because it is a crazy time of year.

All the same, the onus is on you to say no if she asks for help that you’re unhappy to give when it’s in the working day.

From your description I wouldn’t describe her as a user. But I understand that you’re keen to get the petrol money back, which is not unreasonable at this time of year.

GhostsJulianforPrimeMinister · 19/12/2025 21:12

I think I’d give her chance to give you the money or a thank you gift - it was only this week she probably intends to still give it to you so I’d wait and see for now.
from what you’ve said you’ve both helped each other before so it sounds like she’s helped you when needed help also so doesn’t seem to fit as a user type friend.

Hedgehogsandcauliflower · 19/12/2025 21:45

I think it's hard to know without knowing what favours your friend has done for you over the years. For example, you mentioned that she helped you out when you were incapacitated. How long were you incapacitated and what help did she provide?

CandyCaneKisses · 19/12/2025 21:53

You agreed to it and put her above your own work so I think it’s your own doing if I am honest. Learn to say no.

RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 19/12/2025 21:58

Seems to me like she is using you a bit, yes. I agree with a pp who says you need to learn to say no.

ChristmasHug · 19/12/2025 21:59

You've been very kind, do you think she'd have done the same for you?

I would have thought she hasn't been able to drop the money off yet - although if u was her I'd have transferred it. Give her a few more days.

From your opening I wouldn't have described her as a user, of course she leans more heavily on you than her friends further afield but it sounds like you support each other.

If you want to support her less have some excuses ready to go so you only say yes when you want to.

Therealjudgejudy · 19/12/2025 22:04

I'd feel miffed about not receiving any petrol money.

You did her a huge favour

BinLorries · 19/12/2025 22:09

You need to stop doing favours while secretly resenting them. Better to say no, and deal with the discomfort of that.

Whentosayitsover · 19/12/2025 22:10

You are an adult in charge of your own decisions. You could have said no to helping her. You chose to do her the favour. If you are that hung up on the petrol money then you needed to tell her clearly at the time you’d charge her.
it sounds like you have the type of relationship where you help each other out and not like she uses you. If you don’t want to do that any more then you need to make that clear. It’s not great to do something kind by choice then secretly seethe about it.

MagicStarrz · 19/12/2025 22:13

If she said she'd give you the petrol money then she should and you're right to be miffed but also that's still a lot to do for £20 and you shouldn't say yes if you're not happy to do it.

DelphiniumBlue · 19/12/2025 22:18

Send her your bank details so she can do an immediate transfer, and in future don't agree to do stuff which you will later resent. For example, even if you felt you had to give her the lifts, you didn't need to wait with her.

Fatfreefatball · 19/12/2025 22:23

I never asked for petrol money, she offered 3 times. Why do that if you don't follow through? That is what I find annoying. She has my bank details as I loaned her money in the past. I haven't begrudged other favours but then they weren't so inconvenient. I think you're all right and I need to say no to things I really don't have time for.

OP posts:
Whereismyfleeceblanket · 19/12/2025 22:26

Actually see it as a positive..
Feel confident 2026 will see you saying no to her...
Remind her if necessary the last favour (meaning this one) cost you more than you care to lose...
She isn't a friend..

Okiedokie123 · 19/12/2025 22:54

I would be unavailable in future. Still friends but learn to say no.

Ilovelurchers · 19/12/2025 23:09

I have a terrible habit of agreeing to things people ask me to do then secretly resenting it like fuck.

I am currently working really hard to change this - and it's not easy - it does involve an entire change of mindset.

Guilt is my go-to emotion - if I can't help I always feel like a terrible friend/daughter/colleague/whatever. But I am trying to realise that actually I can be an overall kind person but STILL prioritise my own needs at least as highly as those of others.

If you act as if you are fine to do things, people will of course believe you are fine to do things. They aren't mind readers.

Today for example my mom asked me to do something to help her that I really did not want to do (it would have involved cancelling a night away with my FWB - and just to do her a small, fairly unnecessary favour). For the first time even, pretty much, I said no.

Felt strange, but good. And actually, tho she was a bit surprised she absolutely took it - she doesn't now hate me or anything like that.

I think you need to try and do the same, OP. I am not sure your friend is a user based on the evidence you have given alone. I think she may assume you just don't mind helping with stuff like that, and aren't too fussed about getting the money in any big hurry.

Text her and give her your bank details and say you need to do some last minute Xmas shopping and could she ping it over please.....And next time she asks for a favour, work out if it's reasonable or not. If it's too much, either tell her what you CAN do to help. Or just say no!

mondaytosunday · 20/12/2025 01:53

If you were working at a job in an office you couldn’t just up and leave. You need to treat your work as if it was in an office.
I had a friend who’d complain that she always seemed to end up with several kids at hers after school, with parents dropping in for tea letting the kids play. Which only meant she had to then work once the kids were in bed. So I told her get an office and that’s her work time - and it worked.
You may not be able to get a separate office but you need to make boundaries around your work.
As for doing other favours - I’d do a lot for a couple friends because I know they’d do the same for me. But if not - then no.

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