Coercive control separation and children

[Separatedcoercive]

DB has split with his wife due to coercive control. They have 3 dc. He is currently staying with us and next week will be moving back in with our parents till he sorts out a flat etc.

There are no services involved - so no professional input but I’ve tried to speak to him about what’s best for the dc. He thinks they are fine and that their mum has always been ‘totally fine and normal’ with them it’s just him she’s been controlling to. I feel uncomfortable and think he should have custody as now he’s left will she need a new control focus ? I don’t know enough about it to be really insistent as what if I’m wrong ?

Should there be some involvement from professionals or do I just leave them to sort this out between them ?

What does your brother intend to do with access to the children? Is he planning 50/50?

you have no evidence that she is coercive, and your DB isn’t concerned about the kids so you don’t really have any grounds to contact anyone? If you had legitimate reason to believe they are at risk of harm then yes, but you don’t.

I think you need to make him aware that she can still control him by enforcing her terms on the amount and timing of access to their children. Been there myself, sadly.

@Separatedcoercive In what way was she exerting coercive control over him?

He had no access to finances
He was never able to attend family get togethers
He wasn’t allowed to work (she worked full
time he had to have to the dc)
She started to contact exes wanting details of relationships
He cancelled 2 stag parties (going away) she didn’t want him to go
amongst other things

Would it be a bad thing for social services to investigate, if there are no problems as he says then all will be fine but surely it’s better to check and find out there are no concerns than sit on the information as to why they’ve split up as support might be needed? I’m just very concerned that 1) he may go back and this will continue and it’s not right for dc to see that or 2) she will now behave this way with the dc?

Im also very invested in helping him and I don’t think it’s healthy or safe if he returns to this relationship and I know that with other types of abuse SS are clear that the parent has to safeguard the dc?

Well, quite except you aren’t the parent.

whats his plan OP regarding the kids?

what do you expect social services to do when someone phones and says ‘ my ex SIL might be controlling her kids’ …??

Surely if parents have separated due to coercive control they would want to make sure the children are ok ? Check in with school and nursery etc ? I know I’m not the parent but these are my nieces and nephew, seeing how broken db is and having now seen some of her messages etc I do feel concerned . Hopefully he’s right and the children won’t ever be a target of this behaviour but I’d rather not assume and then something happens.

She wants him to have the dc from Sunday as she has to work mon - wed.

The criminal threshold for coercive control is very high. Has he reported her to police? If he has concerns about his children’s safety he should speak to children’s services.

No he hasn’t reported to anyone . He just left her after she crossed a line and he realised I think that it couldn’t carry on

His best bet is to seek out specialist support for abused men. It’s not as readily available as for women but there are services. That’s probably the best place to start. https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/