Advice re dd12 no friends :(

[Teenmam]

I am heartbroken for her. I'm having difficulty getting her to school each day.

Background. We are not in UK. She moved school Sept 2024 because of bullying. She just couldn't cope with seeing those bullies every day. This is her 2nd year of this new school and its been brutal. She made friends last year, until they decided they didn't want to be friends anymore. Another friend moved away. Same thing happened this year.

She sits on the ground on her own with a book in yard every day. Both boys and girls come up to tease her. Kids She doesn't know. They come, make a mean comment and leave. So teachers don't see an issue.

She has one friend at school. This friend needs a whole thread herself it's so complicated. But basically she is rarely at school and when she is it is her and my friend against the world. And between the child and dealings with her mother there are elements of coercive control and narcissism. So I would rather dd not be with that friend, but dd needs her at the moment. But other kids tease her when her friend isn't there about this girl. I think she'll never make other friends as long as this girl is around.

Dd is in lots of activities, has friendly people to hang out with at those. She has a local friend who moved away recently. So she is capable of making and keeping friends.

But she is scared, miserable, overwhelmed, sad. She cries every evening after school and every morning before. I'm so worried about her. We have spoken to her teacher but she says dd needs to be willing to help herself. We are promised they will try different strategies but so far nothing. I have started her in counselling but its early days.

What can I do? My heart is broken.

OP i couldn't read and run as your heartbreak is clearly evident.

Have you considered an online school? I have no personal experience but I do know someone who has done it and it was lifesaving and her daughter has flourishes but this has been supplements with lots of clubs to ensure she has a social life.

Frankly, secondary school can be absolutely brutal for some kids and it just doesn't work for them.

What does the teacher mean by 'willing to help herself'?
My daughter had a scarily similar experience - even down to the toxic school refusing friend, thankfully they are no longer friends but the intensity of the friendship was worrying. My daughter pushed away 'nicer' more appropriate friends because toxic friend didn't like her speaking to others even if toxic friend wasn't in school, fortunately my daughter was strong enough to ignore this and did have a few other people at school to hang around with.
Do you think that is what the teacher meant?

Thank you. I am considering home schooling but my husband disagrees. Its still primary here, secondary next September. Hanging on until then, hoping things improve. I appreciate your reply.

@JingleMyBellsChristmasSmells yes I think this is exactly what the teacher means. But understandably this friend is the only friendly face in a frankly hostile environment (well that is her perception). So i can't face separating them. I know this mum has been to the school to complain about my dd too ( so the friend says anyway). Dd apparently is to blame for this girl having no friends.

Oh its all so complicated and difficult, I'm out of my mind with worry.

I have been in a similar situation. It is heartbreaking. Is your DD pushing other kids away? Just from what the teacher said that sounds like a possibility. Is it possible that after experiencing bullying and moving schools during a time when girls especially, in my experience, can all go a bit “mean girls” that she is protecting herself by refusing to engage outside of her one friend

Is there a possibility at all that she is being sensitive when kids approach her. What are they saying exactly?

But regardless, this is awful for your DD. You sound like you are doing everything you can. I think the counselling is really important and you might find she turns a corner with it (this is what helped my DD) If kids are deliberately being mean to her I think the school needs to take more action. Look up the bullying policy for the school and start using that language if it fits with what is happening to her.

I think concentrating on building her confidence and helping her relax outside school is really important. My DD got a weighted teddy and a hammock and she would lie on that for ages when she got home from school. We also made a real focussed effort to big up her strengths.

Thank you @Dagda yes this is definitely what is happening, but there are definitely elements of meanness also. Regardless it is a horrible situation.

Can I ask, you mention the weighted teddy and hammock, did your dd have sensory issues as a result of what she experienced ? My dd is experiencing similar. Christmas presents include fidget necklaces etc

I'd look into homeschooling OP. Do what ever it takes to do it, to be honest.

Id like to say try this and that but honestly this scenario (low level multi perpetrator bullying) is almost impossible to stop.

Ive have my girl out if there and start to heal her at home. Lots of clubs where she has friends and maintSin the one friendship from school which is weird but don't facilitate it too much if it's toxic. Phase it out over months once DD is hsppy at home.

Oddly year 7 at a well chosen high school can be much better and til then I would pull her out. You have little to lose as they dynamic don’t going to change with those year six students. Get her happier and go from there.

I don’t know if she did have sensory issues really. She was just very stressed and the psychologist suggested these methods to help her calm herself. She gave her a worry stone to bring to school.

If she has out of school friends. Try and organise days out with them so she can experience that feeling of belonging. I also put up photos of her out of school friends in her room along with encouraging affirmations. It did all seem to help but the game changer was having the psychologist.

Just to add, that elements of meanness can be normal, your lunch smells… your bag is silly. That kind of thing is what children say to each other everyday and my other two kids let it roll of their backs like ducks. DD takes it to heart. That was part of the problem.

i had a similar situation, and know how heart breaking it feels. The primary school did a lot to address the situation over the last 2 years of primary and it made a huge difference. DD arrived at secondary much more confident and is thriving. The school helped to formulate friendships outside of the group DD was having difficulty with, sometimes small break out sessions or errands outside of class with people they had identified as a better group for her and also gave her ELSA sessions, to just support with confidence. If the school get on side and provide support it can really make a difference. What I learnt is that there is a lot that can be done if the school actively try to help. Good luck.

sensory issues? I don’t say this often on thread here, but autism popped straight into my mind when I read your posts.

Thanks for all the advice. Really considering pulling her out, I'm just terrified to make the wrong decision again. I think changing schools was the wrong decision, at least she had friends in that school.

On the poster who suggested autism, @habin , yes I wondered the same but assessment came back as not, put it all down to anxiety.

I will meet the school in the new year and try push for help, but I think maybe its too late for the last 6 months of primary.

I just miss my happy show off funny girl.

I would definitely consider pulling her out if you can. With only 6 months left of this school there is little that can be gained friendship wise. And she sounds very miserable

It feels like such a huge step though, and i dont want to further isolate her.

If you have capacity to take it in getting her invited in sometime school groups could be just the thing she needs to feel less isolated.

Year 6 is often the worst for girl behaviour and the unkind behaviours won’t change especially as they school has done do little.

You can positively narrate high school, contact the transition lead and make sure she gets some extra support and enjoy the next few months instead of dealing with her tears and fears. Year six is a ridiculous sats grind and once done no one ever gives a shit about them.

Thank you @Poppolo , could u explain what you mean in your first part please? I'm hungry for any suggestions.

I have a 13 year old girl and we had some bullying issues a couple years ago in primary school. It was much less widespread than this and was still heartbreaking. The high school reset was hard but now over a year in and she’s doing brilliantly.

Are you able to homeschool her for the rest of the school year? Financially and logistically? I couldn’t have done that as I work full time but if you can I’d do that right now. Just finish up with the break and don’t send her back for the last few months. Any strategies or plans the school might be able to help with won’t work quickly enough. What’s the plan for high school?

My daughter was originally diagnosed with selective mutism and anxiety but now everyone is calling it autism. So if you see any other autistic behaviours developing it might be something to consider - loads of changes happen when girls hit puberty and as the tend to be champion maskers it can be hard to tell. Not that a word changes anything but if it would be helpful for her to understand a bit more about herself there might be something to consider - my daughter felt so much better when she could define her ‘odd feelings’ and find out she isn’t alone in them.

I thank each and every one of you for your helpful replies. And sharing your experiences. But is homeschooling not very drastic? I'm terrified that would further isolate her, while also feeling huge relief at the thoughts of not having to put us through all that.

Secondary school is local and there would be all the pupils from her present school there, and of course many others. That is a mixed school. So I dont want to make her even more different by homeschooling. The only other choice is a girls school, which the bullies from her former school will be attending, so dd is refusing to go, understandably.

I wish there was a professional who could tell me what to do.

Sorry to hear this. My child wasn't bullied per say but was in a friendship group of three where she was left out. Another girl called her fat she ended up with anorexia. Year 6 is a hard year she also started periods hormones a re rife ect. It was a horrid time. She went to a different school to all of them in year 7 (catholic school) Made lovely friends and is flourishing. So hopefully in Yr 7 this will be the Same for your child.

I would also look into home school or on line schooling. If you look at your school calendar to see how many teaching weeks are left in the year you might realise that she’s not really missing much actual education by leaving.
I remember when my dd was 12 and struggling with friendships. I was actually keeping a crying diary at the time for her as I was trying to spot patterns. One day as I was driving and she was describing her terrible time, I pulled over the car and said if she wanted to move schools we’d do that (this in reality would have been quite difficult as we are rural) but to my utter surprise she was horrified at the idea. She really wanted to fit in and not stand out and by moving- and she would stand out as the new girl.
So my suggestion is to ask her what she would do with a magic wand.
Speaking generally, if she does have autism, she might want to be alone on the yard to decompress? She might surprise you with what she wants from her magic wand- rather than I wish everyone would be nice to me it might be she says I wish they’d all leave me alone. Not quite the same thing!
I feel for you. My dd is now 16 and her so called friends have been hurtful today. These days I’m just a listening ear but it still hurts as I think dd is an amazing friend- loyal kind and funny. I just hope she finds a bestie one day who she can be thick as thrives with. I hope the same for your dd too.

I don’t think homeschooling for 6 months would particularly make her different but it may put the possibility of non attendance in her mind. A difficult choice for sure.
My dd is autistic, she had friends until y2 when all the girly bitchy crap started.
Whatever you do now I would make sure the high school she goes to is aware of her previous issues. My DD is like a previous pp describes and needs time alone to decompress at lunch/break as being in a noisy busy classroom is difficult. Her high school have a comfortable room with staff where she goes at break times to read.

So autism has been outruled. She definitely finds school overwhelming and needs to decompress, she tells me she wishes she had a cage where nobody would get to her. But when she feels secure she thrives on attention and is very outgoing. School tell me there is nowhere for her to go at break except out to the yard and be at the mercy of all the kids. Even if they left her alone she is so lonely and is absolutely craving friendship.

what schools do the friends she knows from activities go to? Can you make sure she goes to the same secondary school as them?

It would depend on what the school process is like in the country you're in regarding whether I'd take her out of school, e.g. if there's like an 11 plus or similar and her results affect which type of school she goes to. If she wasn't in her last year it would be different but given she's already moved quite recently, and will be finishing this school in 6 months anyway I'd be reluctant to take her out again unless a last resort.

The school do seem pretty crap. Ideally they'd be trying to help her make new friends first, not telling her it's essentially her fault and trying to get her to give up the only friend she does have first in the vague hope that other kids will then befriend her.

My experience is that primary schools do expect dc to go out into the playground and are not helpful and do not provide enough staff at lunch and break. Just make sure she is on the radar of the high school senco as they should be able to provide somewhere for her to go.