Elderly disabled mum - but Im ill too

[AnOnne]

I dont know what to do. My 90 year old disabled mum relies on me for - well, anything and everything! I have managed to find her a cleaner, but thats all the external help she'll accept. She doesnt 'need' any other support, so she says 🙄I live about an hour a way and manage to visit twice a week for a few hours each time so I do give her as much of my time as I can. But its not just the visiting is it, its the constant emotional load and worry that takes its toll. I am 58 years old and have MS myself and have pain days and exhausted days. Im single and live alone, my children have recently flown, and so I have no one to look out for me. Im in pain, exhausted, fed up and worn down. Siblings are nearby but simply will not step up. I want to run away from the responsibility, move house too far to be able to visit regularly. Is there a slightly less radical plan B? Or shall I just sell up and go.

Get external care and visit weekly not twice weekly. Tell her it is non negotiable.
Have you got her Attendance Allowance?

Have you told her that she needs to get different support and that you need respite?

I think considering your mum
is 90 and poorly she’s not going to go on indefinitely is she? So no I wouldn’t try and move house to escape. You have an illness that would be classed as a disability and you cannot to be the default helper. You need to make that clear to everyone and suggest she relies on help she either buys in or is organised on her behalf from adult social care.

Get in touch with adult social services and explain about your own illness and the help that your mum needs and that it's just too much for you and not sustainable in the long term. Your mum might not want to accept outside help but the reality is that if you run yourself into the ground to the point where you can no longer do it she's going to have to accept it anyway so better to do it now before you get to that point. Sometimes you have to prioritise your own health, you need to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others, as they say.

My elderly mum has advanced dementia and I too have my own health issues. I have run myself ragged trying to keep everything just right. It has been a huge learning curve and I wish I had done things differently.

I would suggest contacting social services and getting a care assessment sorted.

Sooner, rather than later.

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast She is ridiculously well for a disabled 90 year old, her aunt lived to 100, so who knows!

She can be quite manipulative...if I say I cant take her to a GP visit, she'll huff and tell me she wont go then.

There's an Elderly Parents board here you may find helpful. You aren't alone!

That’s where you hold the boundary and say ‘oh I’m sorry to hear that you can’t organise any transportation. Perhaps they can come to you?’ You have to stop facilitating it for to change. Necessity is the mother of all invention. She won’t invent new solutions without the need to do so.

@TeenToTwenties Yes I have tried this, but if the heating has gone down for example, I cant really ignore her, IYKWIM. Yes she gets attendance allowance.

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast A previous occasion when I was slow getting to her, she let her health issue slide for so long that when I did visit, it was clearly and A&E issue. Which then makes life even harder for me if Im in and out of hosital visiting. She just wont help herself. Drives me mad.

Emergencies you can't help, but presumably she doesn't have them very often? Siblings should help with emergencies too.

Contact Adult Social Care and ask for a Care Needs Assessment for your mother and a Carer's Assessment for yourself. They will determine what support you both need. Mum may not like the idea of having carers helping her but you can't carry on as you are so you will have to stand your ground! Your health and wellbeing are being jeopardise and that's not OK.

OP I really feel for you. I have a similar health issue, the parent I cared for is no longer with me.
The physical stuff was tough but you are right it’s the manipulation that causes the most stress.
Try and go to see your own GP to talk through what’s happening with your own health.
I managed to persuade my parent to get carers in the end, as well as a cleaner via a social services assessment for them.
Also remember being rushed to hospital and a consultant telling me I needed a hysterectomy. Got a phone call from my elderly aunt telling me I was a disgrace for worrying my parent being in hospital and having an op was selfish. I opted to not have it, and it caused me further issues.
My thought is this - a parent should not give birth to you do that one day you parent them.
And having lots of friends going through the same, not once of us has had/have a parent who is easy to care for.
I also had a sibling nearby, perfectly healthy, who decided to go NC for no reason and left me to it.
See if you can talk to yours as you can’t go on like this.
If your mum had nobody nearby arrangements would have to be made for her care.
Do not let her guilt you.

God I must be a hard-nosed bitch as I swear this wouldn’t phase me. Like hell would I be wrecking my own health to facilitate a 90 year old to get to 100. You are allowed to put yourself first (if no one has ever told you that then let me be the first to do so).

A link to the aforementioned elderly parents board

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents

Your siblings probably don’t step up as they are happy to believe you always will.

Heating gone off, I’m not well enough to travel I’ll tell X & Y one of them needs to come.

Then step back. Grey rock all of them with “I can’t”.

Frankly she doesn’t have the choice to not have outside help. Either she has that or goes into a home if she’s not safe alone. You have to take care of yourself and the current set up is not good for you, which should matter to her too. Have an honest sit down conversation with her. It’s so hard losing your independence but this isn’t fair, safe or sustainable and she’s going to have to make some decisions about her care, that don’t rely on you.