I cannot tolerate things in the way I used to. Mainly with manchild DH.
He's not a horrible person, quite the opposite, but he's incapable of taking accountability as an adult. I do the lions share of the adult stuff, main breadwinner and honestly, I am at my wits end. I do blame his parents to an extent; they simply didn't equip him for adult life, never taught him to try hard or take a risk or be brave, or learn or mature. As a result he's got some shitty scarcity mindset, must play it safe, let someone else lead and just be compliant enough and that will largely be enough.
We have come close to splitting this year. We had an argument a few weeks back where I pretty much told him we'd get through xmas and ny and then he could move out. We then had to go for lunch with friends and pretend everything was jolly. It was hideous.
It's like all the minor resentment over the years built up and bubbled over, and where I used to try to push it down, compromise, bite my tongue etc, I now can't. I've told him how I'm frustrated, disappointed, let down, angry, resentful, etc and now I've been completely honest with him (and with myself I guess), I can't unsee it.
Since then he's woken up a bit to the fact that he's like a boy rather than a man (following some bloke on social media seems to have struck a chord, whereas years of my asking, talking, crying, shouting has made no difference obvs). He's trying but here is a long way to go.
I'm also conscious that I may be in the midst of perimenopause (46) so don't want that to disproportionately be a factor and ruin our relationship.
I love him, we've been together over 20 years and have two wonderful kids. I don't think I really want to split, but it does often feel like it might be easier. He's a nice guy, he helps around the house, he's a wonderful dad, but I want him to lead, not just be instructed all the fucking time. I'm also to blame as I've enabled this patheticness by just doing everything so I totally acknowledge my part. But something has snapped this year and I can't do it anymore, or at least I can't keep quiet about it. But I also don't want to keep freaking out at him every few weeks.
Not sure what I want from this, just a rant I guess, or solidarity + positive stories from those who have been in a similar situation but have found a way to keep their marriage together.
And I'm not sure if it's my mood but I'm turning into someone who generally thinks men are shit in some way or another. I feel we're at a turning point where fewer women are willing to accept this shitness, but we're a bit lost as to what that in and of itself means.