Is it normal for grandparents to comment on everything you do as a parent?

[StayceGerste]

This isn’t a dramatic situation, more a slow build up over time.
My parents help out occasionally and I’m grateful for that. The issue is the constant commentary. What the kids are wearing, what time they go to bed, what they’re eating, how much screen time they get. None of it is aggressive, but it’s constant.
I’ve noticed I feel tense whenever they visit because I’m bracing myself for comments. My partner thinks I should just ignore it, but I find it hard not to take it personally.
Is this just part of having involved grandparents, or is it reasonable to ask them to step back a bit?

What sort of comments? Are they negative or disagreeing? If so, I'd say something. If it's more "ooh that's a pretty dress for going to the park in" that could be construed either way I'd leave it at it's more they are thinking out loud.

I got it from my mum in law constantly. ‘Ooh don’t you stir yoghurts before you give them to the kids?’ ‘You’d never dress them in Disney, would you?’ ‘Interesting choice of toy, I prefer wooden ones’. It was absolutely exhausting and in the end, we stopped visiting such a lot. Our relationship really declined over the years because of it. I don’t really have any advice, just sympathy.

My mum does similar, mostly about the housework but also my parenting. I think she thinks she's some sort of mentor and trying to teach me, but really it just comes across as imposing her (often outdated) opinions and judgements on me. I think she has been the big boss of the family for so long it is difficult for her to let go in relation to our kids. But it's annoying and can be undermining.

I have a lot of this from my mum but funnily enough I don’t think my older siblings do. It was often “you’re not still breastfeeding are you”? “You can turn them forward facing now” and lots of comments about food, I don’t like junk food for my children and will bake cakes with low sugar there’s always something about that and she’s offering chocolate bars as soon as I arrive.
My house is not clean enough because she definitely would have climbed up and cleaned that cooker hood etc

I just tell my DD and her DH that I think they're great parents & are doing a wonderful job - I genuinely mean it, too. I won't interfer like my mother still insists on doing. I don't ever want to make my DCs feel that way.
I don't always agree with everything they do, but I don't need to say out loud what I'm I thinking.

I found from the second I was pregnant suddenly everyone had an opinion. It’s significantly worse if you have a child with additional needs. It has lessoned over the years (youngest is ten) largely due to as everyone is aging they have their own issues going on. I try to ignore it mostly.

I had this with my in laws. My wee boy went through a stage of only wanting me (I think this is normal - at about 18 months?). Anyway, my in laws kept saying how worried they were about him, they even mocked him for it. It made me see them in such a different light that I don't really like them as much. It wasn't just a wee comment. It was all the time for about 6 months (until he grew out of it!).

no not normal. I have 2 young grandkids and I have perfected the art of tongue biting. We all have to find out own way as parents and I try to only offer positive feedback. I only offer an opinion if asked for it as well.

Nope. I only ever offer an opinion if DD2 asks me for it, but we are so similar anyway that our outlook for the children is identical (I look after them two days a week)
If in doubt I ask her how she would like me to do things!

It’s mostly the subtle, constant stuff rather than outright criticism. Things like “oh, is it not a bit late for bed?” or “wow, they’re really into screens these days aren’t they” or commenting on food choices. It’s all said lightly, almost as if they’re just making conversation, but it adds up.
I think that’s why I struggle with it — if it was clearly negative I’d find it easier to shut down. This feels more like a running commentary that makes me second-guess myself even though I know, rationally, that what we’re doing is fine. You’re probably right that some of it is them thinking out loud, but the volume of it is what’s getting to me.

Yeah, that would really get to me too. That stage is so normal and actually pretty textbook, so the fact they were “worried” and mocking him just feels really unfair. Six months of that would change how I saw someone as well, especially when it’s about your child.
I think that’s exactly the sort of thing I’m worried about with my parents — it’s not one throwaway comment, it’s the drip drip effect. Even if they don’t mean harm, it chips away at you and makes you defensive and tense around them. It’s hard not to feel protective when the comments are about something your child can’t help.

I think it's just a symptom of parenting adult children.

They can't always fully shift their mindset. They have gone from doing everything and making every decision for you, to you now being an autonomous adult.

Mine have always been weird in my home. Looking behind things, in cupboards, picking fault with absolutely anything and everything. I asked them once if they did this in other adults' homes or just mine.....