DH disenchanted with family life

[Duckingpondlake]

NC for this.

I'm stuck, DH is grumpy, miserable and short tempered with the dc. He goes through the motions and does what is needed in terms of caring for them, but he often seems disinterested.

He thinks that if they behaved better and listened more life would be better. They aren't bad kids at all, but there's the usual squabbling, needing to be reminded of things etc, 1 dc is rambunctious, but it's just normal family life.

I've told him that if he can't be pleasant, kind and cheerful he has to go, as it's verging on bullying / emotional neglect at times.

He says he's just not enjoying life very much, but loves us and doesn't want to leave.

Anyone been through the same and it's all worked out ok? Or is it the beginning of the end?

If he isnt enjoying his life what is he doing to fix it? Apart from demanding his family act different?

Does he need a hobby?
Gardening? 5 a side? Gym?
Does he want to see his friends more?
If he wants the kids to do more round the house why doesn't he be responsible for teaching them chores and managing the star chart?
If he doesnt know wtf his problem is :Has he contacted a therapist?

HE should be posting online worrying about how to fix this not you.

I'd be clear if he has a problem he needs to fix it. You will support him, but you will not lead and you want to be clear the problem isn't the children, its how he interacts with them and his moods. His current parenting style clearly isn't getting the results he wants....so maybe try being pleasant?

He cannot continue to take it out on the kids and he cannot continue making homelife miserable for everyone.
If he wont address it and wants to continue to take his bad mood out on the kids... you'll have to take steps and act in their best interests.

I'd say something like that and I'd mean it.....

How old are they? Because I’ve definitely gone through patches where I’m just going through the motions because just one more tantrum would have tipped me over the edge. How long has it been going on for?

I think you should be working with him to improve family life rather than issuing threats.

If one of your kids is "rambunctious" i.e. out of control, you should both be working as a team to address that. Look at their diet, are they getting enough fresh air and exercise, too much screen time. Set some boundaries.

Squabbling would do my head in. Can you divide and conquer. One afternoon you take DC1 for a swim whist your DH plays Lego with DC2. Next day swap.

How old are they? If they are under four, I think most parents can have a phase a bit like this.

They aren't toddlers! They are 9 and 6! Life is pretty easy, they are in school, then have their clubs and activities etc. Yes they have moments, but they are human, I would hate to have control over my dc to the extent that they are scared to show emotion or challenge authority!

DH wfh, barely sees anyone, hardly leaves the house, does no exercise, is likely in a funk. But it is all within his gift to change. I am happy with my life and look forward to coming home and seeing the dc etc.

Those ages are bliss. If he can’t manage now how is he going to be when they are stroppy teens? Sounds like he needs a reality check on self care.

It sounds like your DH is depressed. Would he go and see his GP?

I would be telling your dh that I'm disenchanted about his grumpy mood. And that if it's not likely to change he might as well take it somewhere else so you and dc can move on living happily ever after.

Your DH needs to shape up or ship out. Yes he could be depressed but only he can make changes.

His problem sounds like it is not family life, but the fact he has no life outside of family. Why doesn't he leave the house much or do anything like exercise or other hobbies? No wonder he is fed up and irritable if all he is doing is working and sitting around the house.

I wonder what your children’s behaviour is really like.

Oh FFS, how helpful.

So he’s blaming his disenchantment with life on the kids? Have you asked him what he thinks he’d be doing if he didn’t have a family? It sounds like he’d probably be sitting inside on his arse being miserable anyway.

Well if it is that bad then Dad needs to pull his head out of his arse and start working on it as a team.

The Dc's behaviour is no better or worse than what I see in other families.

1 dc is like a drip in the morning and needs loads of chivvying along, the other is a ball of energy from when they open their eyes. They can be a bit silly at times and tease eachother. They are sometimes tired and cranky by the end of the week. One is dyslexic so homework is a chore. They can squabble sometimes over what to watch on tv or who is getting in the shower first, just absolutely normal behaviour from children. If their behaviour was awful I'd be baging my head against the wall as well.

He likely is depressed, I've encouraged him to get some exercise, see friends, take up a hobby, but he doesn't.

He manages not to shout and scream at anyone else though, so why should I allow my dc to get the brunt of his anger.

Yes @Duckingpondlake, what you describe sounds like normal behaviour from children that age. It’s really not fair on them if their father is taking it out on them, it will cause untold damage if it continues.