Guests who start washing up despite being asked not to

[asdiouwern]

Had this with a neighbour a few months ago; invited her over for supper and it was pleasant enough. Before leaving, she absolutely insisted on doing the washing up although I asked her several times not to, and explained that I find it easier to handle on my own as I have a system. Despite this, she just went to the sink and started doing the dishes (not very well I might add). We barely know her!

Today, we had a family friend over (also not someone we are particularly close to, but my parents asked if we could host them and these friends as my parents are in the middle of a house move). The friend slipped out of the room where we were all having teas and coffees, and then proceeded to “secretly” do some of the dishes from lunch (at first I thought she’d gone to the loo). I told her she shouldn’t have, to which she responded that it will make my DH happy if all the dishes are done and the house is clean 🙄

Oh, and we have a dishwasher, which I pointed out on both occasions!

I know they’re probably just trying to be helpful, and I of course always ask if I can help when I’m a guest at someone else’s home - it’s the polite thing to do. But I find it slightly rude and irritating that they insist on doing it despite repeatedly being asked not to, or sneak out to do it while I’m entertaining other guests.

Am I being weird and uptight about this, or would you also be a bit annoyed?

Obviously it’s a different story if it’s a close friend or family member. And there have been occasions when I’ve hosted a big party that goes late into the night and we end up with a mountain of stuff, in which case I’m grateful for the people who stay behind to help a bit.

But these were both just casual lunches at a normal time with a completely manageable amount of plates.

This would annoy me too. I know people are only trying to be helpful,but I also have 'a system' and I invariably find that most people don't wash things up properly. So it's a waste of time on their part as I have to do it again!

It’s really rude!! After dinner I want to relax with my guests and them to leave all relaxed and then quietly tidy up when they’ve gone - or possibly the next morning. Why would I want to host people for them to do the washing up? My SIL does this and i find it really stressful, we are all relaxed post dinner and then she makes a big deal about washing up, which means dh and I have to too and it ends the evening! And then she’s all martyr-ish and stress about it!! If find it rude and intrusive- if I say no then don’t do it!! And being a snob it’s a bit not-quite-the-done-thing, I really don’t want my guests to see my messy kitchen!

ohyesido- I WANT them to sit and relax - they are my guests, I want to sit their with them and enjoy our time together!

There are quite a lot of things you wouldn’t put in a dishwasher though. Wooden spoons , pans, things that aren’t dishwasher safe. I am delighted if someone offers to wash up.

I think it’s more rude not to offer.

It’s not rude not to offer. but if you do offer and are told no thank you you definitely shouldn’t take over someone else’s kitchen!!!

Before we had a dishwasher, a guest washed up all the dishes from a dinner party using the sponges we kept for the cat bowls. We did it again later.

Maybe. A lot of people my age (36) never offer to lift a finger after a party or dinner (they are usually the ones who dismiss waiting staff too tbf) but I was brought up to help out. I would feel insanely rude not helping a little bit in the kitchen or offering to do the dishes/clearing the table. I think the people who see someone offering to do their bit as an insult or rude are probably looking for a pat on the back for their effort in the meal and not wanting anyone to take their shine away by also contributing to the evening. Most empathetic people would genuinely appreciate the offer even if they did refuse.

Pancakes - I find it insanely rude when people insist on doing things in my house when I’ve asked them not to. After a meal I want to relax and enjoy their company! Insisting on washing up spoils the atmosphere and basically ends the evening. Also I just don’t like other people doing it, I can do it myself super quickly when they’ve gone - having other people ‘help’ just slows things down and then you have to pretend to be grateful when actually you wanted to sit down with a glass of wine and clear up later or the next day! Some people also do their ‘helping’ with an edge of self importance —MIL—. So, basically, if you offer to help and I say no thanks, I’ll do it later, let me enjoy my wine!!