Guests who start washing up despite being asked not to

[asdiouwern]

Had this with a neighbour a few months ago; invited her over for supper and it was pleasant enough. Before leaving, she absolutely insisted on doing the washing up although I asked her several times not to, and explained that I find it easier to handle on my own as I have a system. Despite this, she just went to the sink and started doing the dishes (not very well I might add). We barely know her!

Today, we had a family friend over (also not someone we are particularly close to, but my parents asked if we could host them and these friends as my parents are in the middle of a house move). The friend slipped out of the room where we were all having teas and coffees, and then proceeded to “secretly” do some of the dishes from lunch (at first I thought she’d gone to the loo). I told her she shouldn’t have, to which she responded that it will make my DH happy if all the dishes are done and the house is clean 🙄

Oh, and we have a dishwasher, which I pointed out on both occasions!

I know they’re probably just trying to be helpful, and I of course always ask if I can help when I’m a guest at someone else’s home - it’s the polite thing to do. But I find it slightly rude and irritating that they insist on doing it despite repeatedly being asked not to, or sneak out to do it while I’m entertaining other guests.

Am I being weird and uptight about this, or would you also be a bit annoyed?

Obviously it’s a different story if it’s a close friend or family member. And there have been occasions when I’ve hosted a big party that goes late into the night and we end up with a mountain of stuff, in which case I’m grateful for the people who stay behind to help a bit.

But these were both just casual lunches at a normal time with a completely manageable amount of plates.

to which she responded that it will make my DH happy if all the dishes are done and the house is clean 🙄

Did she really say that?

Sister in law does this to avoid socialising. We just leave her to it now. It’s especially bad because she’s shit at it so we have to rewash everything afterwards.

OP, you are not being weird or uptight.
Bossy buggers, don't give you time to sort things out in the kitchen, wash up fast and leaving muck on plates, throw cutlery on to draining board, making my nerves jangle, another grabs the things and wipes them smearily with a sodden tea-towel when I've asked them to let them drain a bit.
Just let them do it and quietly re-wash the next day.
Do they tell you what sort of a drainer you OUGHT to have?

My stepmum is like this, absolutely insists on cleaning up after every meal. She loves cleaning in general to be fair, she came over this morning specifically because she thought my bifold doors needed a go over. I let her get on with it

YANBU. It is kind of guests to offer, but they should accept a ‘no’ from the host in their own home. I would not start washing up in someone else’s home if I had been told no, or sneak off to do it without checking. Offer only!

My mother does this... EVERY time she visits! Fairy Liquid does an excellent job, but it really dries my hands out, and in any case, I have a dishwasher... but, no, the sink is full of soapy water instead! She will never have a dishwasher. I think that, like ironing, she finds washing up weirdly relaxing and possibly sociable.

I just focus on making the mess (i.e. cooking, which I am better at) and she is much more successful at cleaning, so I suppose that it works well!

I wouldn't bother doing it in someone else's house, but if they did, I'd grab a tea towel.

I would NOT trust anyone else to wash the dishes properly. There are a few friends and family members who regularly visit us and they will have a glass of water, then rinse their glass under the tap and leave it upside down on the drainer. Job done. No washing liquid. No hot water. Not even a cursory wipe with a dish sponge. I reckon they think it doesn’t count because it was only water they were drinking. But but but … lips? Slobbers? Possible food debris? It makes me very wary of eating and drinking at their houses.

Agree it's a generational thing.

My DM does this. She’ll use a spoon or a cup and then wash it. I have a dishwasher which I run once a day when I go to bed. She doesn’t need to wash a cup as it’s just wasting water. I just want it to go in the dishwasher!

They’re just trying to help!

You actually think badly of people who are just trying to do something nice for you?

My DH does this, but with his parents. He can do it better than they can, so he usurps. Bit different when it's a stranger, though.

But if you’ve been asked not to, it isn’t helping.

Maybe they want to feel like they have given something back

I'm so glad I found this thread. My in laws do this when they come to visit. Even worse is they'll also rearrange my kitchen at the same time. I've asked them countless times to leave it and let me put stuff away but apparently I'm weird and controlling when I ask this. My husband sides with his parents which is even worse.

Let her clear, tidy the garden instead ?

What would you think if guests just sat there and did nothing after dinner?

They're not, though. The hosts are planning on putting the dishwasher on when there's a full load, and the guests who wash up in the sink instead are disrupting that. Or they're washing up in a different way to the hosts, often inadequately, and making extra work.

The best thing guests can do is offer to help but abide by whatever the hosts say in response. Bring flowers, wine, chocolates etc by all means. Make conversation. Take everybody out for a meal, or pay for a takeaway, if that seems appropriate. Step in and help with children in a sensitive way. Pay attention to their grandchildren and adult children. Admire the house. Leave the spare room tidy. And so on.

It isn't generational. I am 64 and I would never start washing up in somebody else's house if they asked me not to. Why on earth would I overstep like that?

I find it hard to comprehend being mad and resentful about something that has been done with good intentions. Spiritually undeveloped people who can never just be kind

In my culture if you are being hosted you always wash up and leave the guest’s kitchen clean and tidy so they can just rest and relax after all the entertaining. Everything has to be done properly though - so no half clean dishes that need to be rewashed.

It is uncomfortable for me I will be honest when I am being hosted here in the UK and the host says “just leave it”. I feel like my mum is metaphorically side eyeing me.

Fuss about nothing

The people that insist on doing this are always the ones bound to do a lousy job of cleaning, or most likely to break stuff.

My brother is a "dunk in tepid water" washer upper. I get to his dishwasher first and throw everything in and turn it on - after refilling the salt and rinse aid, of course. He probably finds that irritating too

This.

Before dishwashers it was polite to wash up after someone else fed you.

Sometimes it would end up like paying the bill can be at a restaurant with everyone politely insisting on doing it and with that sort of a host the guest would quietly slink into the kitchen and wash up. The host would be insistent they didn't have to, but happy.

Dishwashers and COL changed everything and similarly to you in our old house with an electric emersion heater I've had lots of conversations with MIL about how we couldn't afford for her to manually wash up after every meal or snack.

I rememeber as a teen the rush at DGMs to get to the dishes at Christmas before my very deaf Great Aunt (her sister) who couldn't hear the almighty bashes she was giving the best china!

I'd only offer to do dishes at a good friend's - because it feels quite invasive to go 'behind the scenes' and out of the public facing bit of a dinner party - and I'd always ask and always accept a double refusal 'no thanks' 'are you sure, is there nothing I can do to help?' 'no, really' because I wouldn't want the worry of someone not being careful with my best china and glasses and they may well feel the same.

I think it's very rude to insist past a definite no thanks or just quietly disappear into a kitchen and start poking about without checking if it's ok / they use a special detergent for the pans / don't use that brush on the glasses / that's the hand towel not the tea towel etc etc etc.

I'd be perfectly happy and continue to sit with them and relax after dinner.

If they jump up and start doing my housework I can't carry on having a nice sit down, can I!