Can regular meltdowns at 7yo be ‘normal’?

[DustyGlow]

DS is 7. We probably have on average 3-4 big meltdowns a week, sometimes more (more than one in a day) sometimes less. I don’t know what other 7 year olds are like in terms of their ability to regulate.
These meltdowns are over seemingly minor things (to us), perceived unfairness, not being able to finish something to his satisfaction, having to leave for school mid activity. We usually have a meltdown if we go out to shops. We do what we can to keep him regulated but it often feels like it’s going to happen whatever we do - like the frustration just needs to come out.

He is on the waiting list for an autism assessment.

But all this is saved for us. In the presence of others he appears a neurotypical boy. I know that he might be masking but I’m finding it hard to always be looked at like I’m mad for suggesting neurodiversity. He’s clever and a rule follower at school so one of the top of his class for the points based reward system. In their minds - model pupil.

So would a neurotypical 7 year old scream and shout for a full hour over a missing piece from a puzzle?

Anyone?

Hello, I am sorry for how difficult this is.
I could have written your post almost verbatim 5 years ago.
My son does not meet diagnostic thresholds after his autism assessment, but he's certainly trending high.
Also a rule follower, well mannered, articulate and quite charming for others and all day at school. He's also academically a high achiever.
From 5 years on, (He's Y8 now) he's much calmer, more self-aware, and quicker to regulate himself if he flies off the handle.
His overreacting is still off the charts inappropriate, but it's definitely less frequent thankfully.
It came gradually with time and maturity. I know that feels a long way off, hopefully you will find the same in time.
Read/listen to "the explosive child" if you haven't already, I found it helpful.
Sending love and strength in the meantime!! It's sh1t and exhausting.

Just another thought, ours is clearly about control. We've learnt to try to avoid the ignition points where we can. Any unexpected change in plans is a disaster, even a good one like a nice surprise. He cannot process any break from the norm/his expectations.
Now he's older, we are at least able to have calm and reasonable conversations about this, which he does understand. I say to him that we just don't want him to make his world smaller, we want him to be able to make the most of opportunities and enjoy things, not miss out on stuff he'd enjoy if he tried, and that requires a degree of flexibility. He accepts and tries his best. Mostly.... obviously we don't push him into things he wouldn't enjoy for the sake of it, IYSWIM, he has to be himself and be comfortable. It's a balance.

My dd was like this at 7

Later diagnosed AUDHD

My 8 year old is similar. Diagnosed autistic just before 7th birthday. Very high masking, bright, no issues in school (according to them) and it all comes out at home. It's the Coke bottle effect.

Do you know how much longer you have to wait for the autism assessment?

https://help4psychology.co.uk/blog/its-not-only-girls-who-can-mask/

Yes - there’s definitely a need to control. I have read the explosive child but will dig it off the bookshelf again - it’s difficult to find the headspace to read a book though!
Im embarrassed to say but ChatGPT helps script me through meltdowns and really helps, removes any emotional response from me and it seems able to bring him back faster than I can on my own. But I’ve had to learn there’s no point trying to reason my way through a meltdown.

Absolutely not. You have to stay calm (often very hard!) and talk as little as possible. My DH is terrible at it and it drives me mad.

I listened to it instead! Much easier

So much longer!! He’s been on the waiting list for 2 years. Last time I checked there was about another 18 months to go! I think it will be about May 2027.

Ime yes can be normal. Time solved a lot here - now 14 - and at 10 with onset of puberty not helping the situation we did 12 weeks of play therapy, which really helped with emotional regulation. Class teachers the following two years were also a brilliant support. Now loving life and doing great. Can still overreact but it's rare. If you only do one thing - prioritise your relationship with him.

That’s really interesting about being the class clown. He has lots of friends and I’m always told he’s an all rounder in terms of social and academic. But when I see him, he’s usually pretending to fall over, speaking in a silly voice or running around going ‘arrrgh’. He gets all the laughs at age 7. But this might not work as well as he gets older.

Have you heard of 'Right to Choose'? It's an option if you're in England. You can ask the GP to refer to a private assessment provider that accepts NHS funding. So it won't cost you anything but gives you the option to opt for a shorter waiting list.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/before-diagnosis/how-to-request-an-autism-assessment#What%20is%20'Right%20to%20Choose'?

https://adhduk.co.uk/right-to-choose/right-to-choose-wait-times/

My son's assessment was done through Right to Choose and we only waited a few months.

If you're on Facebook this group is helpful as they list all the providers and waiting times:
https://www.facebook.com/share/g/17hzFyzyo6/

Yes - he’s on that for ADHD assessment (thought I’d cover all bases!) but it’s all changed in recent months with funding difficulties.

I got this email this week (he’s been waiting 12 months so thought we’d be nearing the top) :

‘we expect that you will wait longer than the originally expected 12-18 months for your child’s assessment. Based on this financial year’s activity management plan (see below), our current waiting time is approximately 24 months. However, this is subject to change in the new financial year so we will write to you again in May 2026 with our updated expected wait times.’

I did enquire whether I could be on both waiting lists for autism but I was told no. I’m not willing to give up my place on NHS when there is uncertainty over RTC.

i specifically opted for somewhere with in person assessment rather than zoom which is why I think it had an initially long 12 month wait.

This sounds exactly like ASD to me.

He's struggling with transitions which is very typical, he can't cope with things not being how he expected/how they're supposed to be (puzzle piece), he has a black and white understanding of right and wrong and a very strong sense of fairness, he's overwhelmed by the busyness of shopping, He's very bright and a rule follower and does well at school - he'd have been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome when that was a thing IMO as mine was. School made DS sound perfect when they filled out his part of the assessment. He sounds very similar.

Mine also had lots of friends at primary school but socially things started to fall apart around yr6 when the emotional maturity gap really started to widen. Secondary school was tougher and he really struggled socially. but he got through it thanks to focusing on being academic - he is doing really well now working as a software engineer.

My advice would be to always give a few warnings before any any transition - in 10 minutes/5 minutes/2 minutes we will be leaving for school so make sure you've finished what you're doing. The difference this made to DS was huge. After school time to decompress is really helpful, no questions, a snack a drink and a story or time chilling on his own in his room. Ear defenders might help with shopping if he will wear them.

DS was similar, socially it's much easier when they're younger - he's struggling more now (Y4) and I can see that it will get harder, not easier for him

Y4&5 were the hardest here but it has gotten better not worse. No diagnosis and no issues socially or in school now.

Yes of course you can pursue a diagnosis but can you see traits in either yourself or your partner that are similar? Do either of you struggle with change/transition and the tolerance of strong emotions (namely those you are seeing in your child)? It might be worth spending time noticing how you manage and tolerate change and uncertainty and this in time will/could help your child.

DS1 was like this, later diagnosed with ADHD (although he did calm down a lot by about 7/8)

DS2 is 7 and similar, he is diagnosed ADHD suspected autistic.

My 7yo is the same although much better/happier out and about basically everywhere, it's usually just at home the blow outs, usually just for me or DH. I don't think she's autistic though, she has absolutely none of the diagnostic traits. Big emotions and the courage to display them aren't on the diagnostic criteria for autism after all. She's very sensitive, she's brave enough to express her feelings, she has a deep sense of justice...none of that would 'score' her on an autism screening. She has absolutely no other difficulties. I'm autistic myself for added context. As she ages she gets better and better at both managing and expressing her emotions too.

I'm glad things are better for your DC. Mine has an autism diagnosis, though, hence my worries.

What I meant was, you don't know, I thought the same but we got through. Puberty can have a massive impact. Don't discount that.

Your child is neurotypical though?